I see you have 2 kids, I do too. That is my main motivator. I don't know, did you try counseling? Sounds like you are at a stalemate with this. The pain hasn't been dealt with, you need to do that to see if there is anything left. I am in this for my kids, it is hard.

Not in the position of choosing to stay and wishing I hadn't, but I have felt some of the things that you are talking about.

I have made the choice to stay and try to work things out. We are still in the middle of this mess right now with him deciding what he wants and coming out of the fog that he is in.

One of the hardest things for me is to look at my husband and know that he is not the man he once was. He is not as strong as I thought he was, he did not have the faith in us I thought he did, and yes, he is one of those men who could cheat on their wives.

I have looked at him and wondered why am I doing this and his he really worth all of this pain. I have wondered is there better out there for me; is there a man out there who wouldn't do this to me? I have wondered why do I want to be with a man who can't see how lucky he is to have me?

I have thought long and hard about the man I have right now and I can't measure him by this mistake he made. It isn't possible for me to discount every wonderful thing he has done for me in the 19 years we have been together. From the rose he gave me at some point during our date on the first 12 dates we went on, to the time he tried to make me swedish meatballs from scratch after telling him I loved them as a child. From the heart shaped opal ring he spent months looking for to give me after I told him about the one I used to have and lost to sitting up with me all night long when I was sick. Little things and big things that he did for me in a span of 19 years that he did with love and purpose. So to continue to have that man in my life, I will take this chance.

I didn't have a choice in the chances he took with our marriage, but I do have a choice in this and if it fails, I will know that I gave it my all.

he needs to work harder at fixing your marriage, he destroyed it, he needs to rebuild it, and you need to tell him to figure it out and start showing some real love toward you...or how about an open marriage? that always gets um going? it's been 6 months for me, and i still feel like the first night, i can look at him and claw his eyes out...sex with him is a drag because i feel like i'm in an orgi with all these others...good luck...no real answers for you...hang in...

I spent a whole year where you are at after finding out about the first ow....I left and he moved right in with the second ow. (Yes, two!) I felt like I was going crazy...(he even told me I was!) he just wanted to sweep everything under the rug and have me deal with it, I guess.
I am sorry you are going through this. Have you both tried counseling? Is he owning up to what he's done?

Hello,

I only found out about H affair two weeks ago. We have made the commitment to work things out. We have already gone to our first counseling appointment, which I must say helped a lot. H starts his private counseling next week to figure out why he did this. I know that I am very new but I have already been going back and forth in my head if I should stay or go. I do have to say that you mentioned things going back to the way they were, I already know that this can never happen. Those people are gone, there is no going back only going forward. Besides whatever you were before, as with us, clearly wasn't working on some level or we wouldn't all be in this mess. For me, all I can do is learn who this new H is and let him know who I am. We can only look forward and try to make our marriage everything is should have been but had let get away from us. We let all of life get in the way, had completely lost sight of each other and now we know that we can have the marriage we want we just have to make sure to always keep our marriage as the number one priority.

At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right to you. Just saying that you would work things out with him does not mean that you are committed to stay. It is your life and you have to live it.

Hang in there, you will figure it all out.

You need much more time than 10 months. It was two years before I could look to the future at all or feel any sense of security. Sadly in my case there was no happy ending but my H is a serial cheat and compulsive liar and will never change whoever he is with : (

I can't even mention therapy or counseling, I never got an apology for any of it ,I think in his own way he has tried to make things right ,and I think it was the only the one time that he slept with her ,I think the emotional part was longer. I can't believe all the lies and half truths he started telling, by the time we were done talking I didnt know what happened and what didnt happen, he told me at one point that half the stuff he said was not true only did it to get a rise out of me, The bad days are getting far and few between ,Strange thing was that I made the decision to end it when I found out ,and asked him to leave , he did ,I started to get my stuff together , facing being a single parent ,finding a job ,but atleast I had closure ,then he started calling me and wanting to talk , I spent the last 18 months trying to talk and save our marriage he wanted no part of it ,then when I think he got what he wanted , wich was out ,with out looking like an ass , he wanted back in and make it work ,now he wants to act like nothing ever happened and doesent understand why I get upset over things .sometimes I dont know if I am coming or going, Does any one feel like you live in the twilight zone .Were nothing makes any sense ,or groundhog day , keep reliving the same day over and over, a little humor helps me somtimes.

You say he won't consider counseling. He's never apologized.

IMO, you need both to truly move on. Your last post sounds like you think he is only staying because he doesn't want to look like a fool in front of others?

Is that the man you really want? As the betrayed, you're within your rights to want some of this on YOUR terms. The situation you describe doesn't sound much different than how it was during the affair.

I've known about my husbands emotional affair for 2 years, and about the physical affair for 1 year. We're still struggling. But he has taken responsibility for his actions. He has apologized numerous times. He is taking action every day to work at rebuilding my trust in him. He's read books, we've both gone to counseling. He has answered every question I've put to him about the affair.

If he hadn't done these things, I would have kicked his sorry ass right out the door.

You need to move on, for a few reasons.
1.) Hes a game player and loves playing with your emotions so obviously he likes being an emotional abuser, which he is.
2.) the obvious- he cheated, wont own up to it and won't help you heal.
3.) Cheaters that WONT own up to it, aren't remorseful, etc usually end up doing it again and again.

I have no advice other than to leave.