Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Well, my husband has now come to me again and told me that he has broken it off with his mistress. He has done this countless times before. This time is different in that I have kicked him out and he has not been with me for 2 months and has pursued a relationship with her in that time, taking her to Singapore along the way.
Terrible hurt for me of course, but when I kicked him out we were separated and if that was the case I could have no expectations about fidelity in that time.
He came to me several days ago and says he has wound it up with her as he misses his children. That is the main reason, but he also said that he did things with her and came home to his unit and felt 'empty' and missed what we had together. Despite his actions, he has never really ever been able to give up on the bond that we have together. Never. It has always been me who has asked him to leave and he who has begged to stay or return, and here he is doing it again.
This time, he has spent time with his whore, he says he likes her and that he could continue in a relationship with her but would prefer to come home to me as it is what he feels is better. I can see that by spending time with her he has in fact come to terms with a lot of the obsessions that he had about her that prevented him moving on from her for so long. I can see that and I think that is a good thing.
We have discussed changes that we would have to make in our lives to move forward but so far he has not actioned any of them, and I know I wont believe him anymore unless he does actually action them.
My 20 year old daugher still lives with me and she has seen me go through hell for 2 years with heartache and absolutely detests her father because of this. She refuses to let me even think of having him back and has been very hurtful to me overnight asking me to choose between he and her. I can see she is only doing it to protect me from further hurt but it is not right for her to decide is it?
Should I listen to my children, my family and most of my friends and not give him another chance or should I listen to my heart that still loves him dearly?
Terrible hurt for me of course, but when I kicked him out we were separated and if that was the case I could have no expectations about fidelity in that time.
He came to me several days ago and says he has wound it up with her as he misses his children. That is the main reason, but he also said that he did things with her and came home to his unit and felt 'empty' and missed what we had together. Despite his actions, he has never really ever been able to give up on the bond that we have together. Never. It has always been me who has asked him to leave and he who has begged to stay or return, and here he is doing it again.
This time, he has spent time with his whore, he says he likes her and that he could continue in a relationship with her but would prefer to come home to me as it is what he feels is better. I can see that by spending time with her he has in fact come to terms with a lot of the obsessions that he had about her that prevented him moving on from her for so long. I can see that and I think that is a good thing.
We have discussed changes that we would have to make in our lives to move forward but so far he has not actioned any of them, and I know I wont believe him anymore unless he does actually action them.
My 20 year old daugher still lives with me and she has seen me go through hell for 2 years with heartache and absolutely detests her father because of this. She refuses to let me even think of having him back and has been very hurtful to me overnight asking me to choose between he and her. I can see she is only doing it to protect me from further hurt but it is not right for her to decide is it?
Should I listen to my children, my family and most of my friends and not give him another chance or should I listen to my heart that still loves him dearly?
"...but when I kicked him out we were separated and if that was the case I could have no expectations about fidelity in that time."
Why couldn't you expect fidelity hendo1? Wouldn't his being faithful during the time that you were apart be a huge step forward and a positive sign that you are the one he wants? The fact that he used these separations as an excuse to continue seeing the mistress instead of focusing on wooing you back or at least working on his issues is a huge red flag for me. In my mind, separated is still married. It's not permission to continue an illicit relationship. You teach people how to treat you. When are you going to put your foot down?
I have put my foot down many times, and this time I have been much, much stronger than others. He is not back, despite him wanting to be and I am standing firm on that because in truth, I dont think I can have him back.
I will keep talking to him though and test the waters just to see if he is different. And as I said, I will await actions this time, without a doubt.
LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN......
I hear what everyone is saying, and my therapist also alluded yesterday that if I take him back he may indeed just keep doing the same and to cope my life would have to be filled with indifference. I know I dont want that.
Mark is a mixed up puppy. He went to 13 schools and never got the chance to learn to nurture relationships. His mother was very dominant and always made his decisions. He is basically stuffed in the head emotionally and makes ridiculous assumptions at times - where if you look at what he has said you are stunned! But, as my therapist says (and she saw him for a while too), he does not know that what he is saying is ridiculous or wrong. He is too self centred to admit that he is wrong. Everything is about him. He wont change.
In a way, I feel sorry for him. I have propped him up for many years on a social level and perhaps this affair was a way of standing up to that. I stopped propping him up 2 years ago, and gave that job to his mistress.
Maybe, just maybe, he has realised he cant do it alone. Not that I will prop him up again, but maybe he sees me not as a lecturer to him anymore, but as a valuable asset to his life.
Who knows. I am treading very, very carefully and have made no decision one way or another.
My reply was - well, if that is how you think you will endear yourself to her, then that is sad, for if you cut her off you will cut me off. He simply refuses to acknowledge that his kids are angry with him and wont give him the time of day because of HIS behavior. He thinks it is I who has turned them against him. I have said to him on many occasions to put himself in their position, as if his Dad had abandoned him or repetitively hurt his mother, how would he feel and what would his dad have had to do to make it up to him. But I am through doing that now, he needs to grow up and work it out himself. If he does not, then nothing will ever make him improve his behavior. It is about facing his consequences and actually realising he has to do something constructive to fix them himself and not just place the blame elsewhere. Accepting that there are consequences is the first step and I still think he is in denial about that.
His mind thinks that going to his mistress is easy and hassle free, but at the end of the day he feels an emptiness, and that is the void left by not having his family around him. The fact that he has recognized this emptiness shows me that he is still the man that I loved and married, but he has a way to go yet. And I want him to do it with less help from me. I dont mind doing some, but I would rather take on the role as friend, lover and wife, not counsellor or mother. I am not that talented! And the pay is lousy!