Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Well, my husband has now come to me again and told me that he has broken it off with his mistress. He has done this countless times before. This time is different in that I have kicked him out and he has not been with me for 2 months and has pursued a relationship with her in that time, taking her to Singapore along the way.
Terrible hurt for me of course, but when I kicked him out we were separated and if that was the case I could have no expectations about fidelity in that time.
He came to me several days ago and says he has wound it up with her as he misses his children. That is the main reason, but he also said that he did things with her and came home to his unit and felt 'empty' and missed what we had together. Despite his actions, he has never really ever been able to give up on the bond that we have together. Never. It has always been me who has asked him to leave and he who has begged to stay or return, and here he is doing it again.
This time, he has spent time with his whore, he says he likes her and that he could continue in a relationship with her but would prefer to come home to me as it is what he feels is better. I can see that by spending time with her he has in fact come to terms with a lot of the obsessions that he had about her that prevented him moving on from her for so long. I can see that and I think that is a good thing.
We have discussed changes that we would have to make in our lives to move forward but so far he has not actioned any of them, and I know I wont believe him anymore unless he does actually action them.
My 20 year old daugher still lives with me and she has seen me go through hell for 2 years with heartache and absolutely detests her father because of this. She refuses to let me even think of having him back and has been very hurtful to me overnight asking me to choose between he and her. I can see she is only doing it to protect me from further hurt but it is not right for her to decide is it?
Should I listen to my children, my family and most of my friends and not give him another chance or should I listen to my heart that still loves him dearly?
Terrible hurt for me of course, but when I kicked him out we were separated and if that was the case I could have no expectations about fidelity in that time.
He came to me several days ago and says he has wound it up with her as he misses his children. That is the main reason, but he also said that he did things with her and came home to his unit and felt 'empty' and missed what we had together. Despite his actions, he has never really ever been able to give up on the bond that we have together. Never. It has always been me who has asked him to leave and he who has begged to stay or return, and here he is doing it again.
This time, he has spent time with his whore, he says he likes her and that he could continue in a relationship with her but would prefer to come home to me as it is what he feels is better. I can see that by spending time with her he has in fact come to terms with a lot of the obsessions that he had about her that prevented him moving on from her for so long. I can see that and I think that is a good thing.
We have discussed changes that we would have to make in our lives to move forward but so far he has not actioned any of them, and I know I wont believe him anymore unless he does actually action them.
My 20 year old daugher still lives with me and she has seen me go through hell for 2 years with heartache and absolutely detests her father because of this. She refuses to let me even think of having him back and has been very hurtful to me overnight asking me to choose between he and her. I can see she is only doing it to protect me from further hurt but it is not right for her to decide is it?
Should I listen to my children, my family and most of my friends and not give him another chance or should I listen to my heart that still loves him dearly?
But you are telling me that for two years, he has been cheating on you, and that you have kicked him out relentlessly for two years, and he still continues to be with his whore, then comes running back home to you.
And, you said he is all talk and no action. he is using WORDS. Thats it. Words. His ACTIONS have been fuckin another woman!
I am NOT trying to be harsh. And no, it is not your daughters decision to take him back. it is YOURS. But I am BEGGING you to STOP taking his damn calls.
He JUST told you that "I could be with her", but I "want to come home to YOU
.
In OTHER words, he is saying you BETTER pick him, because he has NO plans on changing his relationship WITH her... he can still HAVE her, be with her.
What prevented him from moving on for so long is NOT that he is deeply in love with you and wants only you. Scratch that. What has PREVENTED him from moving on with HER is that SHE is his sex toy and YOU his Mother, in a sense. The one to run home to when he misses his home.
May I ask what bond he feels you two have? To me, it feels the the nurture/fix type of bond. You nurture him, patch him up, DIE on the INSIDE at HIS hands and then he goes back out into the world with his whore.
Tell him if he WANTS to come home so damn bad, to try LIVING on his OWN and being faithful to YOU at the same damn time. If thats what you really want.
But I am asking you to put your love for him aside and look at yourself in the mirror, and repeat after me. I am NOT a doormat.
First of all, you have to bury the guy you made up in your imagination. He murdered that guy and he ain't coming back. You can only be a victim once; stick around and you are a volunteer, an enabler and a co-conspirator. It IS a choice. You don't have to see him. You don't have to screw him. You don't have to text him or call him or IM him. You do those things because you want to do them. Not because you have to. Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that you have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something you will decide to do eventually. What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, your problems. As long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be. "When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig loves it." It isn't going to change anything, but your H will likely get a big ego over the fact that you can't move on past him. And in the end, you just get to start over with all the pain again. Maybe this image will help. You're lying on your deathbed, reflecting on your life... just how much of your legacy will you feel good about devoting to pining over a lost love? Please stop wasting time with this situation. You are needed elsewhere on this planet. This man doesn't have a real hold over you and you can stop it any time. Don't worry about recovering yet - first make the pain of staying stop. When you feel the control come back into your life you will see that there are many ways to heal, however painful. Sit this man down and tell him it is over, that your pain is too great to continue. A big problem that many of us here have is a need to control an uncontrollable situation. We want to predict, to pine, to wallow, in the hope that somehow the outcome will change. That is as futile as trying to control another human being or anything else in this life.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The ball is now and always has been in your court. If you really want to end this, sit quietly with the pain, right now, and do NOTHING. Don't expect a call, Don't expect him not to call. Get comfortable with uncertainty and watch how your life can change. No Contact IS the best. It doesn't open up the gates of heaven and let you in, it opens up the gates of hell and lets you out.
Take the power back and keep it otherwise you will remain in limbo Hell indefinitely. The big mistake we make in this life is giving other people, not just the unworthy ones, the power to determine our value. Facing this head on is the only thing that is going to free you from the limbo that he has made your life. Hopes and dreams won't do that. As much as you love him, he simply isn't a positive addition to your life. You can forgive him, but forgetting what he did to your heart and soul is beyond "unconditional love". Don't stay in that miserable place to keep the door open for 'round two'. Right now you are torn between listening to your head or your heart. Right? Well, your head is thinking for YOU, your heart is thinking for HIM. What about YOUR needs? When is what you need ever going to be a priority, even for yourself? Stop making yourself feel guilty because you are doing what you need to do for you. He's just a man- nothing more, nothing less. Just a human being going through some shit- and so are you. He is no more important than you. His needs are no more important than your own. It won't be easy to reprogram your thinking from obsessing about him to working on your own healing, but if you want it badly enough you can make it happen. You are much stronger than you think you are. :)
My question is - what has changed? BetrayedAngel is right with her post. You need to stop thinking with your heart. I know it's hard but that is the only way you will survive this man who is so clearly behaving like a spoiled little boy.
Now that he has tried it, he feels it was not worth his obsession.
I know this man, I know his immaturity.
Dont you think now that he has it out of his system we will be ok? When we actually got back together after each time I kicked him out in the past (5 times), if he did not hear from her or we did something else together like a long holiday, we were as happy as any married couple could be.
I have asked for change. I have asked to move.
I guess I dont know realistically if that is possible with his business.
I think it is just having him sit in front of me, explain that he missed me and felt empty and cried for his kids each day (and I know he did cry), I just melt. He is the man I knew and married. The man I love. I cant get past that.
My daughter has phoned me and given me shit again. She will stand by me but if he moves home she will move out. I will never sacrifice her love for my husband. If I have to choose I will choose her, but then I will know in my head that i did not make my own decision, but it was forced on me and I will forever wonder if it was right.
And I hated seeing him and imaging him with another woman.I hated it. I could not cope with it. He is my husband. My lover. Someone who loves me in his own way. How do I cope with that?:
He has agreed to go to counselling. We recognize we cannot do it alone.
I have not committed to him yet. The idea of him spending time alone does nothing as it is just not his personality. He simply cannot do it. Sounds ideal, but are there any men out there who actually would? Not many.
I have great doubts and fears to both take him back and to go it alone. I almost feel out of control of my emotions today. I hate my daughter angry with me. I love the support I get from friends and everyone here, but something in my heart tells me to believe him this time. It feels right. It has never felt right before. Not 100% yet, and if it does not reach 100% then I will not go forward, but I feel I need to listen to him to see if he can get it to 100% by his actions. If he can i would like to give it another try. If he cannot, I think I am wise enough to see through his crap now. I dont know.
I agree with all of the above. If you just cannot let go now...tell him that you believe that if you take him back, you would not be showing self-respect. Tell him that IF he has decided he want to be with YOU! Not his children, not his reclyner, but YOU, his wife, the ONLY woman he loves..then here is the plan...
Then begin to really test his love before you allow him to cause chaos. There are lots of ideas from this group.
Get involved in something..just for you..that makes YOU feel good about yourself! Make him take an apt elsewhere and be accountable for his time, letting you know where he is at all times etc. Use techn ology such as the GPS in his phone. If he is contrite and agrees to this and follows through, does not see HER for any reason, goes to couple counseling and maybe ind, for 6 months...well then you can reevaluate..with your therapist! He must prove himself worthy or he is not!
Good thing is I know that and each and everyone of my friends and family tell me the same thing.
I will just look at actions. I will see what he comes up with in actions. Only actions. I promise. I will not let him back home unless there are changes that suit us both. I will not let him back if I sit with him and his words show doubt in any way. I will be strong for I am not a doormat.
OMG - is that a new name for the skanks? If so...ding...ding...ding...ding...
Nave is the new winner of naming the b*tch!
Even though I know how torn you must be, I will admit that I WOULD shake you until your teeth rattle if we were face to face. :)
I said that I would organize a marriage counsellor who would set up guidelines for us to follow and that was my only stipulation other than the changes to our life that were to be made by his actioning his words.
See how that goes.
And --- I can feel your shake!
And yes, men can live alone. Two of my exs did it for over a year.
Crying doesnt make him honest this time. Actually getting up off his ass and doing something about the way HE is, that HE caused might work better.
Good luck. And yes, I would shake the living shit out of you too.