jay - I'm fine sharing here. I have actually had that conversation with myself quite a bit.

First, it was incredibly painful when I found out about my husband cheating on me. He is a sex addict, which I didn't know when I married him. He had 4 affairs with women off of the internet. There was months of sexting and pictures (and lots of the things I'm doing with my OM). There were so many lies I can't even count them, and a year and a half of false recovery. I have a few blogs, and on one I wrote a whole post about how it was the most painful thing I have been through.

I still stand by that. So how could I do the same to someone else? You hit the nail on the head about justifying to myself that it is different. I will even share my justifications here. Before I do, I want to add the disclaimer that I realize none of these justifications make it "okay." He is still cheating with me. I'm still "the other woman."

I also want to preface this by saying I think there are several different types of affairs and cheaters. One of the best things I have ever read about that to date is this post from a fellow blogger - http://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/24/different-types-of-affairs-yes-it-matters/.

My husband was the Tiger Woods type. His cheating was completely about his addiction and his inner issues. There was no correlation between his cheating and the state of our marriage or relationship. In fact, it went opposite to what you would think. Because sex addiction is an intimacy disorder, the closer we got and the "safer" he felt with me, the MORE he cheated on me. Sick.

With K (my AP, OM, whatever you want to call him), he is definitely the "The Exit Strategy -Im Deeply Unhappy with My Marriage Affair." She is emotionally abusive. They argue constantly. He was resigned to the fact that he would never be happy. For 10 years he thought being in that unhappy, unfulfilling marriage was all he could ever hope for - because that's what she told him. She makes him feel that his only value is his money.

I see more in him. We connect on so many levels. She pops into my mind from time to time. I do think about causing another person hurt and pain like I went through. It is what weighs on my mind heavier than anything. But I choose instead to focus on him. On the person I know. On the person I have fallen for. I choose to believe the things he tells me (even if that is naive).

I realize how much of a double standard that it. I realize I'm hypocritical. I know that even though there are different types of infidelity, they all hurt the spouse. Even if she seems harsh and calloused and indifferent to him, she could be wrapped up in a negative cycle that could be corrected. I choose to focus on something else. That's how I get past it.

My h initiated all contact. They only had to exist to draw him in. Cheaters don't need lures; they're already looking for it long before it happens.

blindside - thanks for the response as well as everyone - i think what i am asking is - as you have stated - we all flirt - I can flirt but I know where to draw the line - but the AP - knowing that the person they are about to engage with is "married" - i guess growing up - with my parents still together after 50 years - grandparents etc all together - when i hear someone is married - thats it

what kind of mind frame is there for that aspect as well knowning someone has kids - i believe its all an ego boast anyway for them both - i know it takes 2 to tango but the whole thing just makes no sense to me.

I know the WS has a thought process of the brainwashing effect - I'm just getting more of the WS side - if they were 90% responsible and the opportunity was there - or if the AP was so conviencing or if some had some emotional void that they needed to go over to the other side.

its complicated but i think its worth the listen to and everyone has a story.

onyx- In many cases (sans sex addict), there is not a lot of thought in the stages leading up to the affair. Most don't consider casual flirting to be cheating, so it is easily justified.

In most cases, the stage from 'innocent' flirting to a full affair is not a many year decision. Often, it's after meeting together for the first few times. Even upon the first personal meeting, if no sex was involved, they do not consider themselves cheating. They know it's WRONG to meet, but they are not technically cheating in their mind.

If it becomes physical, thats when they know they crossed the line. AND...that's when the justification begins. It's to protect their ego. They don't want to feel like an evil cheater, so they begin to justify it....which usually includes the demonization of their spouse.

I have wondered this many times as well. as I'm sure most of us do because we want so badly to understand HOW our spouse could do such a thing. In the beginning of all of this I wrote several poems to try and work through my pain. One was about this very thing with the line..
What did she do? What did she say? How was she able to lure you away?

I know my H told me it was the conversation at first, the emotional bonding about personal things that drew her to him. Being able to tell her things he was too embarrased to tell me. ( his wife of 21 years!)
And after their " hand jobs" in the parking lot after work, it was easier to go all the way with her because he knew he already went over the line and cheated. And of course the justification had begun too.

But I do still wonder what exactly was going through his mind that he was able to have sex with her. It is probably something that will never be fully answered or understood.

I was not looking for it long before it happened. I didn't look at anyone before OM happened.

I would believe that there has to be some physical attraction at first - or these AP would have to be great at conversationalist/buillshit artists - which I suppose I/we all can be but I also have lines I don't cross plus i just have too much normal life/activities going on -

I really couldnt do with all the drama that it brings - to me its not worth it - i can sort of fast foward to see things - where they would go and end before anything happens and snap myself back to say - ok that would not be worth all that i would lose if that makes sense.

i love you blindsided...............keep it real.............100!

yes as blind sided has stated -

"If it becomes physical, thats when they know they crossed the line. AND...that's when the justification begins. It's to protect their ego. They don't want to feel like an evil cheater, so they begin to justify it....which usually includes the demonization of their spouse"

This makes total sense to me. I just wonder how long it takes for that nonsense to wear off or perhaps it never does.

It doesn't have to be physical for justification to begin. 2500-7500 texts per month: "We've been friends for 20 years." "I was bored at work." "I needed someone to talk to that wasn't you." "I knew you'd be mad, that's why I didn't tell you."

They'll find a way to justify everything they did from beginning to end until they finally see what they really did...and even then I'm not sure they will fully admit to themselves how wrong they were in their actions.