Oynx,

Actually it was not words but the bed.

I knew he had done the EW An***ly.

So one night I aimed and sternly given a "no".

Then the swallowing issue shortly happened.


Resulted in 2 more coffin nails in the M.

O,

It happened at party.

How much did you drink and what drugs.

How many times did he do you.

Did he ejacualate into you,

Did the friends cheer you into the bedroom.

How could you.

We were friends, our families were friends. He spent about a year leading in with vague flirtation that could be chalked up to just playing.Then, when his wife started to pull away from spending time with me and the kids, he started taking her place...."she's busy but I can bring the boys". So we started hanging out without our spouses. We had always been the intellectuals, as opposed to our hippy dippy spouses, so it felt good to hang with someone who got me. And we were all friends, so I felt safe with him.

Then one night we went to play some blackjack--he had been winning a lot and was going to reach me how. When I lost all my money, he played the Knight in Shining Armor, covered for me by giving me back what I had lost, then took me for a beer.

That was when he set the hook, acknowledging that there was an attraction between us, and confessing that he had cheated once before, and that he couldn't go through that again. He reinforced the idea that I was safe with him, that nothing would happen between us.

It was a slippery slope from there and within a month or so we were comfortable enough to cross lines, affectionate nudges, holding hands, 'innocent' pecks good night. When all of that turned to more and the line crossed could not be denied, we swore it wouldn't happen again.

But when I got into trouble with losing money at the casino, and he bailed me out by giving me a part time job, the door to having a full blown affair got propped wide open. He went from having weekly Team Meetings at the office in the mornings to hosting them at our favorite bar, with food and beer, a perfect excuse for being out with the guys and then spending the rest of the evening with me. Our 'date night' was a mandatory company event, not that I was complaining.

When I look back I can see clearly that he had groomed me for this role for years before making his move. He got to know the condition of my marriage, positioned himself as having more in common with me, made himself the hero, gained my trust, made sure I felt safe. He groomed me like pedophile grooms a child, gradually convincing the child that what is happening is perfectly natural and harmless.

When he said we could have been soul mates if only we had met first, that we would always have a special bond, our little secret...I was halfway down the slope. He said it would be something we would look back on, sitting on a front porch swing, watching our grandkids play together, and we would remember fondly what almost happened between us. It might have played out that way if it had only almost happened.

He asked me would I have an affair with him, I said yes. He was shocked. We had a wonderful romance. Really simple no blame to place no playing around, straight to the point.

I saw my OM#1 once a week when I went to clean a business he worked at. He was flirtatious and I was responsive to it. He liked to joke around a lot and tease me and turn innocent things I said around to have a sexual meaning. His real skill came out when we started texting. His strategy was to keep the texting fun, light, playful, impersonal, sexual.
We did not really get to know each other very well. That was, I believe, part of his strategy. He called it harmless flirting. He peppered the play with plenty of offers to meet up. I had no intention of cheating but I was enjoying the game. Playing with fire. Convincing myself that it was harmless, all the while hiding it all from my H. I knew it was wrong but I didn't want to see that. He knew what buttons to push. He knew very well. I read on a web site once about lines a man can use to drive a woman crazy. He used them all and then some. I resisted tenaciously, though it was hard to do so, until right before he moved far away when I gave him a BJ.

In the interim between OM#1 and 2, I was engaging in Cyber play to relieve the fog cravings from OM#1's sudden departure. This served to deepen the fog and further erode my moral character which I had always thought was very strong until all this began.

OM#2 was different. He simply became my friend and companion. He was always available, always there for me. We worked out together. Touching began. Downhill from there.

OM#1 was all words. All the right words. OM#2 was more actions that drew me in. OM#2 had an easy time of it because I was very very deep in the fog when I met him and I offered little resistance.

I remember the night my husband went to supposedly "end things" with the OW, before they had gotten physical to the point of sex. He met her online and she gave him the attention, the flirting that he was missing. It had only been a week, but they had met up twice, and then I Found the texts on his phone of his "fake" life he had created about being single, etc.

He held me for an entire day, told me he was sorry, told me he would do anything to work on us- everything I wanted to hear. Then he went to end things, and thats when she got the hook and yanked.

She told him, between beers and crying and affectionate petting, that they can't deny there was something there between them, and they "owed it to themselves" to see where this leads. I always call it , she gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. He came home, packed a bag, told me he had to follow his heart and he needed to stay on a friend's couch- he said the friend was Mike, it was really Kelli- and that's when my husband left me for another woman, and his affair became full blown.

We texted very little. It wasn't any one thing he said. He listened to me. Expressed interest in who I am as a person. He held my hand and looked into my eyes when I spoke. We laughed. He has an amazing intelligence and curiosity about things. He is talented. He gave me time. Even though we were "dating" (i.e. it wasn't a work-related flirtation or some other sort of relationship in which you are forced to see the person), and saw each other at his place several times a week, he waited, for months, to pursue sex, because he knew I wasn't ready. It was never "just a hook up"- we fell in love with each other.

It's funny that Fiberjunkie called it "grooming" because it's kind of true. That's why it's so important to PREVENT the affairs from happening. I tell my H all the time the real trouble started BEFORE the affair even started. He won't listen, he's convinced, he can "stop" it somehow or something. But once there's something to stop it's too late........I am firmly against opposite sex friendships and more so after this.

No matter how light the words, the dagger in the BS heart is large.

I find the logic to having an A replusive to say the least. The way people post how it happened full of what is commonly referred today as "feely good".

As i have posted will drive my car drunk into a family killing them all.

Then go on AAA forums and post I was depressed and sad all the time.

Yes that is the answer to feel good.

With my H and the AP. There was texts at least 60 times a day. First thing in the morning ( She was the first thing on his mind when he woke up). And he had the nerve to say he was putting in 80 percent effort into our marriage.

As it turns out, my H has been browsing profiles on dating/hookup sites for the most of our relationship (I found one account he created in 2005). In effect, I feel like he was grooming himself. He felt sorry for himself and probably told himself the things an AP would have said to help him justify his actions. He was primed and ready when his ex-girlfriend turned up looking for a "friend." They were able to "connect" over their mutual unhappiness in their respective marriages. My H was already far down the slippery slope, even though he won't admit it. He downplays the fact that he was browsing dating sites since nothing ever came of it (that he has admitted to me at least). But I really think it was a matter of time.

Admittedly, she gave him attention, and that was enough. I do think she pursued him. But again, I think it was only a matter of time until he pursued an affair on his own. He was obviously fantasizing about it if he was creating dating profiles (which blatantly said "I'm bored and I want to have an affair") and browsing other women's profiles.

I spent 12 years with my OW as "best friends". One or the both of us always seemed "unavailable" but had moments in between. Actually, I was one of her OW's during one of her past relationships a few years prior to meeting my W. When I met my W, I was completely lovestruck. But then she started pulling away and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. For 2.5 years I felt alone...sleeping next to a roommate. And my OW/BF had always been there to make me feel loved even if we were never together. So one night, alchol got involved and she told me she loved me. Which wasn't odd for us, we'd been saying for YEARS even prior to my W. But then she looked at me and was like "No. I LOVE YOU". she repeated a couple times, and since I was already feeling like my marriage was a complete bust and that my W didn't really love me, I kissed her. More happened that night. And I was in the fog for quite some time after that.

For me it was feeling safe, loved, sexy, and everything I wasn't feeling from my W for years. But something I knew I COULD and HAD felt from my W. I figured she just decided to settle for me and just couldn't fake it anymore. She seemed completely indifferent and then here was this person I'd had feelings for, for so long, telling me she loved me. of course I should have known when all I could say back was "um, ok".

I am not a WS, but I am an OW and I was separated from my CS when we first met and hooked up. In my case, it was much easier to justify "cheating" on my husband since he had already cheated on me for years and we were separated and already seriously considering divorce.

Still, when I met my AP, I knew he was married and I remember telling myself that I was NOT going to sleep with him. What did he say to change my mind? What did I say to make him want to cheat on his wife? It's hard to pinpoint that exactly.

I think the first step was that we were able to share our marital problems with someone who understood. We could talk about the lack of sex, the disrespect and mean words, the way they tried to make us feel "less than."

The other aspect, obviously, is attraction. We flirted. We laughed. He sat a little too close. He put his arm across the couch cushion behind me - just short of resting his arm around my shoulders. There were a few dirty jokes.

On my part, I responded positively. I laughed at his jokes. I played into the sexual inuendo. I contradicted the negative statements his wife had told him (that he was only good for his money, that no one else would ever want him, that he couldn't ever hope to do any better).

Then there was the alcohol. A LOT of alcohol. No excuse. We both drank willingly. It just made the decision a little easier. It made it easier to get carried away. It made that first little "push" easier to swallow - made that little voice telling me it was wrong quieter. Once we were over that first hump, every time was a little easier. It was a given that I was going to spend the next 2 nights in his bed.

As for the texting... We do text a lot. Like really a LOT. Thousands of texts per month. He tells me good morning and good night every day. We text about our day. We send little pictures and things like you see people posting on Facebook. We have done sexting (sorry if that is too much for people here). Mostly, though, it's about what we're feeling and thinking in the moment. I get a lot of "I'm so in love with you" and "I need you" texts. He vents to me about work. We flirt and joke. Not sure if you want any more details than that, but I am happy to share more or answer any questions you want.

jaded - I appreciate you posting here, it cannot be easy.
I keep wondering about something and it seems that you might be in the position to answer. How did it feel for you when you were suspecting that you husband was cheating on you and how did it feel when you found out? I have not hear of a BS who would not be completely devastated by it. For many (if not for all) it is the biggest pain we have ever had to endure. It has changed my entire thinking about affairs. I cannot imagine I could possibly beTOW, after all I have found out about how it it. Was it not that painful for you for some reasons? Are you justifying it somehow to yourself that this is different? That his wife is build of different stuff and will not feel that way?
This is not to judge you, I have been wondering about it for a while, looking at the posts by people who were in BS shoes and yet either became a CS (on another person) or an AP.
So I will appreciate if you could share your thoughts (if you dont want to do it here perhaps message me).

Onyx- I find it interesting that your first comment is "What is it that the AP said - even the details - to get you - the WS to be draw out of your marriage and to give it all up?"

Who said the AP is the one who started it? Sure, someone flirts first....but we ALL flirt at some level, even to the same sex when we want acceptance or attention. In a woman to woman or male to male flirt, the goal may not be sexual...but nonetheless we all do it.

IT"S THE REACTION THAT BEGINS AN AFFAIR.

You are a betrayed male, and like myself like to think of our BS's as the victim of a smooth talking man.

Flirtation was met with mutual flirtation. Most men are the initiators of it (NOT ALWAYS), just like it is in the dating world.

Affairs begin the way men and woman meet. Harmless conversation, flirting met with interest, then.....the slippery slope.

Some CS's here will characterize themselves as being a victim to a cunning plan to get to them. Let's not pretend we are stupid. We ALL know when others are interested before we have sex. The rare exception is having sex 5 minutes after we meet.....but even then we have a few minutes to know where it's going.