hi, sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself and be sure to keep processing (like this) what you are feeling.

yes, it can be normal (not in my case). depending on the frequency and intensity of the intimacy it may be referred to as hysterical bonding.

lots of times where there is infidelity in a couple's relationship there will be an intense period of re-bonding, during which time there may be very intense sex, feelings, etc. Kind of like trying to reclaim what was almost (or was) stolen.

So, yes, it can be normal and lots have had the same/similar situation. Not for me though.. my situation is special, like in the bad way. haha

I agree with racr.. keep inclose touch with your feeelings and remember it is not true intimacy.. . it is trying to recapture something. My ex and I had more and better sex after he came back than when newlywed! He still walked out again. Keep in close touch with your gut feelings and understand it is filling your heart and may not be filling your love. Good luck with this minefield - you deserve the best!

I went through the same thing.....and I felt so crazy during that period! Like I was letting him have his cake and eat it.

Just a warning though....it WILL wear off. I shudder at the thought of him touching me now.

Yes, I felt the same way. I would want to have sex but the feelings just weren't there. I would cry afterwards. Its been six months to the day that I found out. I cannot even begin to think about a future. It is still too painful. I think phoenix is right, its trying to recapture something- anything that may resemble true love and intimacy. But unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. I too feel like I gave him a "pass" and let him have his fun with our money and family time and then he had unprotected sex and came home to me. Now I am left with the bad feelings- god only knows what he's left with because I don't feel he has any true remorse- only sadness that I found out. I say if you feel good about yourself before, during , and afterwards then go for it... If you don't and it is emotionally taking it's toll then don't do it. You are more important than that- they didn't care enough about us but we need to care about ourselves and not worry about "them".

I went through this as well. And felt like a fool afterwards, but I did read that it is a common almost textbook reaction like racerX wrote.
I'm sure I saw it described on Dr. Phil originally.

Reading the other resplies I believe I went through the same experience myself. I explained to my husband (we both couldn't understand it at the time) that it was like a desperation to capture something I thought had always existed - he feeling scared about losing me and me wanting desperately to have the husband I thought I always had. I must admit that since discovery our sex life has improved vastly. Maybe b'cos we're devoting time to our relationship assisted by the fact that oue kids have left home.

Wow... thank you all.... This really does make me feel better hearing / reading this. I so had to "google" this hysterical bonding, I have never heard of that before. Interesting and I think is right on the money.

Altho the "act" isn't a hysterical one... the desperation I feel in my heart prior to I think is a close description.

Like I am desperate to fill that... the "see he does love me" thing.

I do feel good emotionally thruout it all. So maybe for me it is helping.... Maybe not... I don't know... If I go day by day it is all good.

I am so glad to read of others experiences with this. It makes me feel less crazy and a little bit more sane.

=)

I agree with Jenn119's post entirely. When my wife first came back it seemed like we couldn't have enough sex...I think there is some instinct in us to preserve what we think we had - to keep what we consider to be ours, and escape from the pain. Initially, the sex seemed better than it had in years but over time, as the full gravity of what had happened sank in, sex just became an obligation that was emotionally damaging to me. My advice to you is not to have sex with anyone you don't or can't trust...it will just leave you feeling cheap and dirty later on.

Thanks Avien - When you and Jenn119 say that it "the bonding" ended..... how long were you in that phase??

i agree with everyone that its pretty normal (although i didnt feel that way with my exwife) but my take is alittle different. if you are going to work things out, then sex is part of a normal happy relationship.

Reading RunnerKate's reply, I'd have to say that I agree with that one too - very similar to what I experienced...In my case, I think it lasted almost 6 months, but not quite, and then things deteriorated rapidly for me inside. Many of these replies bear a lot of similarity to each other...but it isn't this way for everyone. I think that once you find yourself at the end of this "phase" in your relationship, then you will know whether or not you REALLY have a chance at making your marriage work. Like Pheonix said, be mindful of how it is that you really feel inside, and I would add, be honest with your husband about it too - for better or for worse. What I learned the hard way after all of this was that I needed to take o myself first - as many people ofte say - before I could really take care of my children or my responsibities to anyone else.

Sorry I am late on this one. Still piping in.

Yup, did that alot the first time around - after his first little fling. (He's the EX now) Yup, it defied everything that I thought I would feel if I found out that he cheated on me. I thought I would be repulsed and all. Instead, I could not get enough of him.

I chalked it up to this...for 20 years, forever, he was the one I turned to with all my hurts and problems. I went to him with everything. And then? Even with his cheating, he was still the one that I turned to. It didn't make any sense, but it's what I did.

Hysterical bonding.

The second time? His second affair. Wasnt' that way at all. That time, I was sickened and repulsed and very done. He never touched me again after that.

Take care of you, L~

I did exactly the same thing. We had more sex during his affair than we did in 6 months before. And I could not get a handle on it either. I was discusted with myself. I wanted it and was totally confused as to why.
If you havent already, read this book. AID FOR THE BETRAYED. The author even emailed me and is a wonderful insightful guy! In his book, he explained about wanting the sex. In a nutshell, I needed to prove that I was still the alpha sex partner. There is a lot more to it, but, my God that was it! It made sense to me! The passion was not there, the connection was not there, but I needed to prove something with the sex. Please read the book. In all the library I have obtained on the subject, this one is my bible. I no longer felt that I was nuts.

I desperately want my husband to touch me again, but I think he is afraid of me at this moment. I will not let him think what he did to me is ok but inside I want him to want ME and need ME, maybe it is an ego thing but I miss him. It really pisses me off that I feel this way.

outoforder ~ Thank you for the book suggestion. I ordered it last night!

:-)

AvienMael ~ 6 months huh? that scares me...I would like to think that thinks wont go south that far away. Kinda like it is unfair somehow... but this whole darn thing is unfair to me to begin with! Sigh.... So, did you end up staying or going?

Lstecker ~ I totally get the for 20 years he was the one you turned to.... I get that and am so there. He is naturally the one I would go to.... It is so darn confusing. My family is all on the west coast... and I am on the east coast. It is times like these that I wish I was closer! (Well there are alot of other times I wish I were closer too :-) )

hurt37 ~ I am right there with you about the desperation thing. Everyone tells me to hang in there day by day.... or even moment by moment. I am so new to all of this too. Hang in there.