Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Today I am feeling somewhat better even though I still have a major headache that just won't go away but thinking back now I can't even remember the past weekend. It's like it was all a blur. Like I was living in a haze. I guess I was just doing what it took to get through the day but I don't like that I can't remember even the simpliest of things from those days. We talked a bit about it but I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to hear her name ever again and I made that quite clear. The mere sound of her name sickens me, tears at my insides and hurts in ways that he will never understand. He just doesn't get it or maybe it's just that he doesn't care.
For now we are together but I don't know if it is something I can continue in. I love him dearly and I can forgive him but I can never ever forget that he turned to her even though he knew how badly it would hurt me. While I was sitting home alone waiting to for him to come home from a weekend away, he was having sex with her. While I was working, he was spending time with her, sending her love songs and poetry, trying to win her back. He could sit there and lie right to my face and not feel one bit bad about it. While I was begging for some physical attention he was giving it to her rather then to me, the one he was suppose to love. While our sex life was bascially non existent, from the messages I read, theirs was very hot and passionate.
It is my constant thought. When I look at him, when I talk to him, when I lay next to him at night that is all I can think about. I can't understand how he could do that to me, to us. How he didn't care about what he was doing. That having sex with her meant more to him then spending time with me.
I fall asleep at night and I see her face. I dream of them together. I can hear them laughing at me, mocking me. Its pure torture. Everything reminds me of them. I don't know if I can ever overcome that. I know I will never ever trust him again. I can't and how could I? There has been so many lies told and I can't help but feel that our whole relationship is one big lie. I doubt everything he has ever said now and everything he tells me now. He tells me he loves me but I can't help but think, "really??" I say it back but it takes a lot of effort on my part to say something that once came so natural. It just doesn't feel right saying it anymore.
I can't understand his need to keep in touch with her, why he couldn't let her go? Why he ever became involved with me if his heart belonged to her? None of it makes any sense to me.
I know I deserve better and I know if he truly loved me he never would have run back to her first chance he got. He never would have pursued her and went away for weekend get aways with her while I sat home alone. If he truly loved me he would have remained true to me, there never would have been room for another person in our relationship. If he truly loved me there is no way she would have ever been able to get back in his life and if he truly loved me she would have remained in his past, where she should have stayed.
I hate that so many of us are having to deal with these liars and cheaters. There is no excuse for it at all..love should never be this way!!!
For now we are together but I don't know if it is something I can continue in. I love him dearly and I can forgive him but I can never ever forget that he turned to her even though he knew how badly it would hurt me. While I was sitting home alone waiting to for him to come home from a weekend away, he was having sex with her. While I was working, he was spending time with her, sending her love songs and poetry, trying to win her back. He could sit there and lie right to my face and not feel one bit bad about it. While I was begging for some physical attention he was giving it to her rather then to me, the one he was suppose to love. While our sex life was bascially non existent, from the messages I read, theirs was very hot and passionate.
It is my constant thought. When I look at him, when I talk to him, when I lay next to him at night that is all I can think about. I can't understand how he could do that to me, to us. How he didn't care about what he was doing. That having sex with her meant more to him then spending time with me.
I fall asleep at night and I see her face. I dream of them together. I can hear them laughing at me, mocking me. Its pure torture. Everything reminds me of them. I don't know if I can ever overcome that. I know I will never ever trust him again. I can't and how could I? There has been so many lies told and I can't help but feel that our whole relationship is one big lie. I doubt everything he has ever said now and everything he tells me now. He tells me he loves me but I can't help but think, "really??" I say it back but it takes a lot of effort on my part to say something that once came so natural. It just doesn't feel right saying it anymore.
I can't understand his need to keep in touch with her, why he couldn't let her go? Why he ever became involved with me if his heart belonged to her? None of it makes any sense to me.
I know I deserve better and I know if he truly loved me he never would have run back to her first chance he got. He never would have pursued her and went away for weekend get aways with her while I sat home alone. If he truly loved me he would have remained true to me, there never would have been room for another person in our relationship. If he truly loved me there is no way she would have ever been able to get back in his life and if he truly loved me she would have remained in his past, where she should have stayed.
I hate that so many of us are having to deal with these liars and cheaters. There is no excuse for it at all..love should never be this way!!!
Now, he cannot rebuilt with you and stay in contact with her. They changed that relationship forever by doing what they did. Choices have consequences. And your right, you will not be able to do this long term if he does not understand how to help you heal.
Right now there are 3 people in your marriage, regardless of is they are having sex or not. If there is communication with her, she is in your marriage.
I wish it was just about his loving you enough to do the right thing for your marriage. However, it isn't. It is about you loving yourself enough to draw real clear lines in the sand about what you are willing to accept.
When your sick and tired of sharing him, you will draw your lines in the sand, and then he will have to chose between you two.
Until them, you walk in a daze.
But .. in the mean time, start exercising. Eat something healthy weather your hungry or not (or get some ensure). Take physical care of yourself, or you just may end up in the ER like I did!
http://WinRomanceBack.net
Barr62 I feel your pain, too. I read all your posts and I understand everything you are saying. Hard to trust again once that trust has been broken.
MassOCH Thanks for your reply. Sorry you are going through a similar situation. No I have never tried any meds. I am weary of taking meds but I am thinking I may need something just to get me through this and for my own sanity. I can't keep living like this. I hate being in emotional pain everyday. It is very exhausting. I, too, have wished death on myself and I know that just isn't right. Just so many things going through my head right now. Maybe I will look into seeing what I can get to help me get through this.
Mariafoxsay thanks for the article. I looked at it but I really don't feel to go out of my way to win him back, to make him desire me. If he can't accept me for who I am then it's his loss. I am beyond trying to win him over. If in the end I decide to walk away it will be his loss. I didn't make him sleep with his x. He made that choice on his own and if he doesn't desire me for who I am then we shouldn't even be together!
You have received good advice already. Do take care of yourself. Seeing a therapist will help a lot.
I worked on my marriage first. I found out about the affair, made a choice to stay, sought out a lawyer, a therapist and THEN confronted him. I think this all gave me more of a sense of control. I was the one who also had a "secret" - (my knowledge of the affair, but they didn't know I knew.)
But once I did confront him, my story parallels yours. My H still wanted a relationship with BOTH of us. He was still sneaking around. Still lying. The OW and I knew one another so it was a double betrayal for me.
My H kept telling me he loved me and would go off to be with her. It was horrible. I do not know how I ever lived through it, frankly.
We did all the right things: communication, seeing a MC, spending time together, reading books. But he was still connected to her - he worked with her as well.
What changed everything was when I finally got tough. I told her H
(and denied it). I told him I was going to go to management and expose them. I told him he had to leave. I would not tolerate any more
communication between the two of them. I told him I had too much respect for ME to tolerate any more of this. He if could not commit to me, honor his vows, be honest - then he was more than welcome to get the hell out. I just piled consequence upon consequence.
Suddenly he got it. I think you need to do the same. I think you need to fight for your marriage. You need to find the strength deep inside of you. I know the pain is there, but kick it into the corner for now, find your backbone and stand up to the two of them.
Make a list of conditions. It starts with he has to end it with her. Total transparency, etc., etc. Feel free to out her as well. Part of the enjoyment of it all for them is the sneaking around. Expose their dirty secret and it won't be as much fun for them.
Don't think of yourself as victim. Rather see him as a damaged person, a coward, someone who has made bad choices. Rather than
come to you and have a talk about his whatever, he sought out an affair. Stupid. He put so much at risk. Go ahead and hate him for now if it helps. You can always change your mind. You are in control now.
I think he does love you. But he also loves how the affair makes him feel. This is something you will have to reconcile.
You are experiencing everything through your pain right now. I know how hard this is. We all do on this site. But try to step out of it, and set your goals. And most important, set your boundaries. Read, read, read. There is a lot of info on this site as well as surviving infidelity.
You are in a long term marriage, raised kids, and have a future to look to with grandchildren. You can always walk away. Now or later. But
if you do want to stay married to him - the time is now to fight for what you want.
You say you can forgive him. I say don't bother. I will NEVER forgive my H. I still watch him like a hawk. I give him hell when he slips up.
Things are good between us despite all that. Maybe one day I might finally "relax" and not feel like I need to monitor him. Right now I think that day will be when she is dead. I wish for that daily. Sounds terrible, I know. But it is how I feel. I do hope they both get to experience the pain they put me through. That is my true wish for them.
I think this all normal and to be expected though. Betrayal is the worst.
Especially in a long-term marriage. Had this happened pre-kids, I would have been gone and not looked back.
Good luck. Be true to yourself. The pain will lessen over time, and when it does, I hope you are where you want to be.