Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Vulnerability
A little over 6 months out from dday, last week, my wife and I had some time apart. 3 days/3 nights
Over the past month I had found myself pulling away from my wife I didnt want to accept any comfort from her, didnt want to be vulnerable, didnt want to be intimate, didnt want to be dependent.
We decided we both need a break from one another as we talk every night about whats going on, and it at times becomes exhausting as we are swimming in this every second of every day, so the break was a good idea
Thing is, the first morning she was gone, I realized I missed her.
The second morning she was gone, I realized that pulling away from her wasnt making me happy or helping me healit was making me miserable and crazy
Im at a point in my feelings and thoughts now (at least today), that I feel, all I want to do is be vulnerableopen I want her to hold me in her arms.to tell me she loves meto comfort me
I want to allow her to comfort meI want to accept her comfort
I want the physical connection with her, not just sex, but hand holding, kissing, caressing
Its like a a lightbulb went off in my head THU morning, when I realized, I need thatI need all of that.and pushing it away is hindering my healing at this point.
The thing that still gets meis that I am consciously and willing to open my heart againand we all know the risk in thatis to have the heart broken once again.
It doesnt make any sense to me
It kind of makes me think Im not being rationalthat Im starting to get a little nutsy again
But its what I WANT, right now.
How can I actually WANT to be vulnerable at this point. My thinking was basically, trying to NOT be vulnerable, intimate and dependent was making me ever more miserable.so why not try something else.
That sounds logical.but when I thought about what exactly the something else would be. And realized it was the exact opposite of what I had been trying to do for the last month.. I just thought man.you are nuts!
A little over 6 months out from dday, last week, my wife and I had some time apart. 3 days/3 nights
Over the past month I had found myself pulling away from my wife I didnt want to accept any comfort from her, didnt want to be vulnerable, didnt want to be intimate, didnt want to be dependent.
We decided we both need a break from one another as we talk every night about whats going on, and it at times becomes exhausting as we are swimming in this every second of every day, so the break was a good idea
Thing is, the first morning she was gone, I realized I missed her.
The second morning she was gone, I realized that pulling away from her wasnt making me happy or helping me healit was making me miserable and crazy
Im at a point in my feelings and thoughts now (at least today), that I feel, all I want to do is be vulnerableopen I want her to hold me in her arms.to tell me she loves meto comfort me
I want to allow her to comfort meI want to accept her comfort
I want the physical connection with her, not just sex, but hand holding, kissing, caressing
Its like a a lightbulb went off in my head THU morning, when I realized, I need thatI need all of that.and pushing it away is hindering my healing at this point.
The thing that still gets meis that I am consciously and willing to open my heart againand we all know the risk in thatis to have the heart broken once again.
It doesnt make any sense to me
It kind of makes me think Im not being rationalthat Im starting to get a little nutsy again
But its what I WANT, right now.
How can I actually WANT to be vulnerable at this point. My thinking was basically, trying to NOT be vulnerable, intimate and dependent was making me ever more miserable.so why not try something else.
That sounds logical.but when I thought about what exactly the something else would be. And realized it was the exact opposite of what I had been trying to do for the last month.. I just thought man.you are nuts!
I could be way off... but with 3 days as a break, it can be hard to determine, at least in my opinion, which of those feelings are real and true to you, or just ones that are manifested from inner fears-- such as fear of being alone, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection..
just perhaps thought I could add some ideas in to see if you were still feeling those feelings... I know for myself,, the 72 hour mark of no contact is the worst, it is a lot of times the point where I break, start to obsess and over react and become very emotional and irrational... so at least for me, if I were away for 3 days and felt what you felt, I would consider it my anxiety and my fears colliding together, but again that is just me.
I do hope you missed your wife, I think we would all of course miss our SO if we were away, but time alone, for self reflection, maybe not even on the marriage--- do you ever just get tired of the relationship being the main focus? It can become overwhelming to anyone... sometimes, you just have to think about yourself.. and there is no shame in that...
I could be way off here... but I saw no one had replied, and these thoughts are what came to mind when I read your post..
I sat with each thought for a time
"I want to stay apart"
"I want to be with her"
and being with her was what brought my emotional distress down.
then i can become aware of the emotion.
anger...fear...anxiety...etc
and i almost almost realize that there was a thought that preceded the emotion and feeling
once i identify the emotion, then the preceding thought, i seem to be able to calm down
i applied that technique to these questions and decided that the correct approach was the one that decreased my emotional distress and gave me some sense of peace and serenity....
i let my feelings dictate my choice...instead of my thoughts.
if i had let my thoughts dictate my choice, as i had been doing for the last few weeks, i would have remained in the state of emotional distress. my thoughts would say "don't do it....you'll run the risk of getting hurt again" my heart says "love is all about risk...it always was about risk"
my therapist talks about personal vs social interactions and relationships.
personal being open to being
dependent
vulnerable
intimate
social being
independent
not vulnerable
not intimate
so , is it the right or wrong decision?
i don't know
but Im going with it NOW..... will i stay there tomorrow? i don't know
i thought i was going crazy those first two months...still wanting to be intimate w her...and during the early part, all the mind movies would play in my head of her and other men. it was horrible
after 10 weeks of 9hrs/week therapy, plus additional IC, and MC, and 6 months post..... i have a better grasp on my thoughts and can dismiss the bad ones when the surface.
this state of being open to be vulnerable again is different then hysterical bonding....its a much deeper emotion