Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Ha. That should have been my user name instead of "getting2good," which I chose because I am trying to have a positive attitude!
After 23 years, what was once my reality became no longer. Through the horrible discovery of some very descriptive texts, saved to his e mail, discovered my husband was sexually unfaithful.
It has been almost a year since he finally told me the truth. I lived with his continual lies for a year prior. And yes... I wanted to believe his lies. But we all know that never works, especially if there is any chance of restoration. So finally after a year of begging him to be honest with me, and spending a great deal of time on my knees in prayer, he finally confessed. It was as if i could breathe again, believing that YES! we have a chance, we can do this! We can HONESTLY work toward the goal of saving our marriage and start that long road to recovery.His infidelity was a one time occurrence. There hasn't been ANY attempt of any contact from either party. my husband is repentant and has been working on repairing our marriage. Willing to do whatever it takes.For which I am thankful and so grateful.
For all of us who have been through this, i know i do not need to describe the pain, the onslaught of emotion in the different stages of grief and within each stage, there is yet another, how we can be doing okay and then "out of nowhere," the searing raw pain consumes us again,
I STILL struggle on a daily basis. Some are better than others. unfortunately i have a very good memory and so many of the words i read are branded on my brain... I have a difficult time erasing the images they have created. There were also those words used that were at one time only mine. (Well lets face... There were a few things that at one time were only "mine," weren't there.) The triggers are powerful and plenty
ANYWAY... I am stuck. As i said, some days are better than others, but I am void of the joy I once had. And yes! That makes me so ANGRY! Although I HAVE accepted some other bad decisions my husband has made, and have, for the most part, moved past those, i KNOW i need to reach that acceptance in ALL things, but I just do not know how! How do i accept that our MARRIAGE OF 23 years has been forever altered? How do I accept that what was once my reality no longer exists? How do accept that the person I once was no longer exists.
This is where someone might say, well you will come out of this a better person! Well... Truthfully... I kind of liked the way I was ! Now i am insecure, cynical, on guard and much less carefree than i used to be. ( it is that void of joy thing) I am broken! If there is anyone who has struggled with (or is working on reaching acceptance, I would love to know what you are doing to achieve that which eludes me!
After 23 years, what was once my reality became no longer. Through the horrible discovery of some very descriptive texts, saved to his e mail, discovered my husband was sexually unfaithful.
It has been almost a year since he finally told me the truth. I lived with his continual lies for a year prior. And yes... I wanted to believe his lies. But we all know that never works, especially if there is any chance of restoration. So finally after a year of begging him to be honest with me, and spending a great deal of time on my knees in prayer, he finally confessed. It was as if i could breathe again, believing that YES! we have a chance, we can do this! We can HONESTLY work toward the goal of saving our marriage and start that long road to recovery.His infidelity was a one time occurrence. There hasn't been ANY attempt of any contact from either party. my husband is repentant and has been working on repairing our marriage. Willing to do whatever it takes.For which I am thankful and so grateful.
For all of us who have been through this, i know i do not need to describe the pain, the onslaught of emotion in the different stages of grief and within each stage, there is yet another, how we can be doing okay and then "out of nowhere," the searing raw pain consumes us again,
I STILL struggle on a daily basis. Some are better than others. unfortunately i have a very good memory and so many of the words i read are branded on my brain... I have a difficult time erasing the images they have created. There were also those words used that were at one time only mine. (Well lets face... There were a few things that at one time were only "mine," weren't there.) The triggers are powerful and plenty
ANYWAY... I am stuck. As i said, some days are better than others, but I am void of the joy I once had. And yes! That makes me so ANGRY! Although I HAVE accepted some other bad decisions my husband has made, and have, for the most part, moved past those, i KNOW i need to reach that acceptance in ALL things, but I just do not know how! How do i accept that our MARRIAGE OF 23 years has been forever altered? How do I accept that what was once my reality no longer exists? How do accept that the person I once was no longer exists.
This is where someone might say, well you will come out of this a better person! Well... Truthfully... I kind of liked the way I was ! Now i am insecure, cynical, on guard and much less carefree than i used to be. ( it is that void of joy thing) I am broken! If there is anyone who has struggled with (or is working on reaching acceptance, I would love to know what you are doing to achieve that which eludes me!
ight there with you, but I also know for as much as I've been changed so has he. The man that stands before me today is a completely different man than the one that had an affair and I cannot imagine living in his shoes, much rather be in mine. If it was me who had been unfaithful I would scrap the marriage as opposed to facing that guilt every time you look into the other persons face each morning. He deals with my meltdowns and flashbacks even now a year and a half later and never ever tires of doing his best to pick up the pieces as I fall apart and yes, all those shattered pieces are caused by him, but truly if the tables were turned I doubt I would have it in me to do what he has done every day since dday.
i know I'm not giving you any helpful advice but know that you are never alone in your feelings, we're all right there with you
But there were things about my pre-A self that I lost. That were good. That when I look back on, I still mourn losing. Our marriage is certainly better now than pre-A, though we both thought it was pretty good back then. I've improved as a person in some ways, but in others maybe not so much. I guess there is a bit of numbness there about life in general. But that comes from not just the A, but all life has thrown at me the last few years. Betrayal by my job and unable to get another, betrayal of my body by symptoms of Parkinson's setting in, feeling a loss for all the writing time I've lost and will lose over all this stuff (2011 I was cranking away at my writing, until dday hit; I should have had a lot more books done by now than I have).
But I came to a point where I felt in my heart that what happened, happened. There wasn't one single thing I could do to change it. All I had was the future, which was going to suck if I spent my time lamenting over things I couldn't change or get back. There was a point I let it go emotionally and embraced the future, to make it the best it could be.
Each person is different how long it takes to get there, and everyone's circumstances are not the same. Also, acceptance doesn't mean you no longer think about it, or hurt over it. It means you're not going to let it devour the rest of your life.
I can't get back the life I had, no matter whether I see any changes as positive or not in the aftermath. That life is history. But I can work toward a brighter future. Acceptance is realizing that's just the way it is. As Sam Gangee says, "There's nothing for it." You're going to go into the future one way or another. Might as well learn what you can, use what you can, and plunge ahead in the best way possible.
Consider reminders a memorial of sorts.
Thank you all so much for your replies and your words of encouragement. I learned something from each of you, somethings just hadn't occurred to me and i welcome being able to see things from a different angle. I guess that is what a support group is all about. (What took me so long to get on here!?)
This IS truly THE most difficult thing i have had to do.
I am saddened that you all have been through this. And Cole, i know first hand how an illness (i am so sorry!) can add another layer to the healing.
Instead I got
Holy shit he can't move back in yet
I'm not in love Infact I'm feeling more anger and hate as the 1 year mark is approaching.
I feel pressure to be "over it" or "past it".
I fee like everything is crashing in and I'm losing hope and control.
What did I do when that happened?
I took a break from working on the rebuild
Told my cs where I was emotionally and spent my time considering the reality that we may not be able to be together
Read books
Came here
Worked on finding peace and forgiveness
Took the shame ands embarrassment off of my shoulders
It was the turning point. From that 1 year mark came insight and better understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to heal. However there are certain common occurrences like the 1 year set backs. How you handle it is really up to you and what you think will work best
The good news your current state of mind is normal
The bad news is, you've got some steep hills yet to climb
If you can climb them with him, great but if you need to climb them to your own that's ok too.
Also, look at info on narcissists and codependents. Seems each of us have some of both traits in us -- human nature. The point is to understand how these traits really play out in us, and to where we are on the spectrum.
These 2 characters -- narcissist and codependent -- are attracted to each other. Fatal attraction.
Parts if me are still drying up and blowing away.
I thought hope died too.
I don't know why but one day I felt hope.
Hope comes and goes for me, still no joy, but I do think that joy can only spring from hope.