Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Trying hard to heal, my boyfriend is doing everything right to help with this, but my situation is much more painful for me than it should have been because of the cruelty and vengeance of the jilted Other Woman. She, over 2 months after my boyfriend ended their "affair" of only 2 weeks (she knew he had a girlfriend all along, but she chose to try to steal him anyway), out of anger, obtained my e-mail address through a Google search, and sent me all the e-mails that had been exchanged between the two of them during the time they were together. They only saw each other a few times over less than 3 weeks, but there were a lot of e-mails, and the sex talk and other flirtatious talk in these e-mails has taken a toll on me, especially due to some of the timelines of the e-mails. Their "affair" ended before sexual intercourse took place, though she had begun behavior that very well could have led to that. The "affair" started because my boyfriend and I were having some difficulties in our relationship, and he (erroneously) thought he could have a new friend of the opposite to talk to about our problems, so he shared intimate details of our relationship with her and she, knowing he was weak and needy, capitalized on what he told her and used that information, along with physical aggressiveness to entice him to leave me, and at a time when I was out of town a lot. Fortunately, my boyfriend came to his senses quickly, once he started seeing red flags with her and realized that she was playing the "sex card" to try to accelerate that relationship, in order to convince him to leave me. He told me that he had been so drawn in by her that he did not even give any thought to what he was doing being cheating. As soon as he came to his senses, he cut all contact with her, apologized to her and to me for his behavior, and has been striving to be completely transparent with me and to help me heal. We ended up having to get the police involved, as she sent a harassing/threatening e-mail to him directed at me. As a result of my boyfriend coming down on her really hard for threatening me, she has ceased contact with us for the past month or so, and indicated that we would never hear from her again. But the e-mails are still very hurtful. I know he loves me (we are planning to marry), I know he did not love her, that it was a flame addiction, fueled by dopamine, etc. He acknowledges that not only did he not love her, but he did not even know her really in that short time. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can get past all this?
I am glad your boyfriend realized what he had before he went any further. Just take it one day at a time. Time is healing.
I wish you peace in this pain you are going through.
Yeah, time is all you can do right now. You seem to already be moving on with your marriage so don't give her any more thought or power in the relationship.
If you haven't done counseling that would be good also both relationship and individual if you are having a hard time coping.
Oh - and the "affair" started NOT because you were having some difficulties in your relationship but because your boyfriend has no boundaries. Which by the way should be explored for your future's sake. As in do not rush the wedding.......
How can you get past this? Time. Therapy, Time. Or you might never get past this and just learn to live with it, but right now it has been very little time.
advice .... move far away
if he won't go, them move even futher
Not Just Friends
Getting Past the Affair
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
Me? I would find her car and put dog shit under all her car door handles.
...but I am a bitch like that...
L~
The consensus that the OW was a blessing in a way rings true. Because she sent me the e-mails, I have been able to read all the things that she said and did to manipulate him, and exactly how she did it. She spent a lot of time discounting our relationship in those e-mails, saying negative things about me (she never has met me), bragging on and building herself up, especially in the areas that he had told her we were struggling, building his ego up with flattery and flirtatious talk, and every time they were together, she made sure he had plenty of alcohol in order to loosen his inhibitions physically. For a very short time, she had him convinced that she had his best interest in mind and that she was a good person. But the keyword is SHORT time. She ended up pitting herself against me in sort of a game, even having the audacity (and stupidity) to tell him that "she" was going to win!! I think that when she went that far, that was the beginning of the red flags he started seeing.
The good thing is that he had shared some details of the physical intimacy with her with me BEFORE she sent me the e-mails, or else we might have been looking at a dealbreaker. Like I said, he has done everything right, post affair.
Thanks for the book recommendations. And the flowers idea---how fun!!! I would be tempted to do that if it would not stir up another hornet's nest, and I am a peacemaker by nature. My take on things is instead is to make her wonder if I ever even got her e-mails---I did not respond at all to them---she is definitely not worth responding to!!!
How do you know that once he becomes your husband, he won't fall into the same trap? What's he going to do in the marriage to assure that it won't happen again?
I totally understand wanting to deflect the blame into her and yourself but that won't help heal the relationship nor will it confront the issue of his allowing himself to have an affair. I strongly reccomend you both seek counseling before you consider marriage. Putting the word affair in quotations leads me to believe that you somehow don't see this as an actual affair but it is. Sex isn't needed for it to be called an affair.
I imagine reading his words to another woman must be painful and I'm glad she's not still trying to contact either of you. It takes time ands hard work to get through this but your BF sounds like he's trying hard.
I do not blame myself at all for his poor decision to cheat. I do not believe that one person should ever take responsibility for another's actions and/or poor choices. Nobody has that kind of power. But the reality is that had there not been issues in our relationship that were very painful for him, he would have not been so easily tempted. He was not out looking for someone to cheat with. Through a lot of soul searching and discussion and extremely long talks, he and I have identified exactly how the problems came to be in our relationship, and it was really pretty easy to fix. We now understand what each other needs much better, and we are more than eager to meet those needs. Nothing is a struggle. Things between us are wonderful. I think that the healing process from his cheating has brought us closer together. He has been doing everything right ever since, including being open to discussing anything I need to talk about in order to heal, and making the time to do so. He values us as a couple, and he has told me he will never cheat again. We are Christians, we are now taking a Bible class together, and we are definitely on the right track. We have also done a lot of reading on how to avoid cheating in relationships, which we plan to use as a guideline for the future. He recognizes that he did many things wrong (like sharing intimate personal details about us with her for example---BIG mistake) that allowed this woman to capitalize on what she learned. He learned that in the future, he needs to be more upfront with me about what he is thinking and feeling, and I will do the same. We have talked a lot about our issues since, and they were easily resolved. It was mostly a communication issue; we were really not understanding each other. Both of us really want this relationship. We connect on many levels and we feel that we were made for each other. He felt that almost as soon as he met me, but it took me a while longer.
As for the OW, I have absolutely no regard for these selfish, unfeeling predators (there really are not words in the English language bad enough to describe how I feel about them), and yes, they do carry some blame for the destruction of relationships. Why??? Because that is what they do. Many prefer attached people to pursue for relationships because they believe that attached people are more attractive and better catches than the unattached. Many pursue the attached because taking a partner away from someone else is an ego boost. Many just like to play games and play with people's feelings. And they do pursue, they pursue with a vengeance----in the case with my boyfriend, she REALLY pursued him. They find weaknesses in people and capitalize on those weaknesses for their own selfish gratification. They lead with the "sex card". IMHO, they do carry some blame for disrupting the lives of other people. Yes, it takes two to tango, but had she not been there ready to pounce with her claws, this would not have happened. Mate Poachers, that is what they are called.
I am all for taking the time needed to heal----many of you have mentioned time, and you are right--time is key to healing. Thanks for your responses. Just being on this site has been very therapeutic for me.
My H is also doing everything right after DDay. We have had no contact from OW, at all. Scary part for me is my gut says she is not out of the picture and will try contact at some point, as she had a whole life in her head with my H. Biggest issue is I leave soon for almost 3 weeks....alone with my mother. He is joining us in a week for a few days. I have enough trust built up over the past month to not think he will start up with her, but I do not trust she will not try to make contact.
My H's A was all text, lasted 6 weeks, never met so I was able to build some trust before leaving (although I was doubting I would on DDay).
You sound like you are well on the way to rebuilding.
I have recently read Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. I found it an excellent book on rebuilding. He also wrote His Needs, Her Needs but the Affair one, includes parts of His Needs Her Needs and is specific to post affair rebuilding.
I read all the books mentioned by Cole50, including Healing Infidelity, by Rick and Lenita Copple which was the first book I read, and so did H, and it helped us A LOT in those first days after DDay.
Here is hoping you find your way through this rebuilding. I am sure you will find peace, as you have a great attitude.
Something else I did that helped was that I went online and found a lot written about flame addiction, which was something I had been unaware of. I think this type of addiction (not sex addiction) was the case with my boyfriend. From reading about flame addiction, I found another great book that has really been helpful called The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity by Dr. Scott Haltzman. It is an easy read and a very well written book. I am reading it for the second time now.
You mentioned being concerned if the OW will contact your H. I think I might be able to help with that, though I do not know your entire situation. What needs to happen is that the concern/focus needs to shift to what your ex will do if she does contact him, and if he is wanting to do everything right he will agree to the following (IMHO):
1. He needs to agree to cut off all contact with her--to not even respond (or block her if possible), and
2. He needs to agree to let you see or read anything and everything she sends/says to him if she does recontact him. Total transparency.
If he does these things, whether or not she will contact him becomes a nonissue, really.
My boyfriend agreeing to these two things worked wonderfully for us, and because he values our relationship so much, my boyfriend did not have any trouble agreeing to them. The OW did contact my boyfriend, once about a month and a half after DDay, sending him a very long e-mail that she claimed took her days to write, trying to get him back and being very negative about me. His response? No response, just as we had agreed. His no response was followed up by her sending him another e-mail the next day asking him why no response. His response--no response.
However, as a result of what all she had written in that long e-mail that took her days, it was evident that she was stalking both of us online, so we did some blocking of sites to make that more difficult for her. This angered her way beyond what I would think reasonable. After we blocked her she sent him a very angry letter. He did respond then to tell her again that he felt that cutting all contact would help everyone heal (but not after letting me in on her e-mail) and he apologized again to her for his erroneous behavior. He let me read the e-mail to her before sending it.
This was followed by more e-mails from her to him--first threatening him with sending me all their correspondence, then actually sending them to me, and then another e-mail to him threatening me. He let me read all these e-mails immediately after he got them. I got the police involved immediately, and then he and I crafted an e-mail to her together stating that she needed to stop the threatening behavior. This e-mail to her was so strong (we like to say we are SO good together) that the next day she sent him an e-mail regretting sending the e-mails (claiming she was drunk when she did all that, but the e-mailing did go on for about 8 hours so I have doubts) and saying that he would never hear from her again.
And----so far---so good.... :-)
Hopefully if the OW in your case contacts your H, you can have the same outcome, and I would bet it won't get near as nasty as ours did. Just hang in there. You also have a great attitude, and reading the books that you have read says a lot.
P.S. Another similarity in us--much of the A between my boyfriend and the OW, AND when all the e-mailing/threatening at the end came, I was out of town taking care of my mother!!