I have struggled with this as well. I think it is normal. We probably want to know what is so special about this OW that she could step into the middle of our M and destroy it so completely. Of course she did not act alone, but most women would not cross that boundary under any circumstances!! Is the OW out of your life? My husband and the OW had NC from Dday on. She called and broke the NC. He sent her an email that definitely broke the bond for good. And that is what stopped the obsession for me. Once I knew she was no longer out there waiting for my family to fall apart. go easy on yourself, this OW has done a lot of damage in your life!

He has had nc with her since day or two (kinda fuzzy) after dday when he called her in my presense told her yes he had told me everything and he was sorry he lied to her but that he always loved me and wanted things to work. It was mostly an EA, 5 months from the first hello to dday, all online and phone calls, with one time in august where they got together.

I on the other hand have had contact, emails and fb. It's screwy, and she was not out to destroy our marriage, he told her we had filed it just wasnt final, and that he lived in his own appt. all false, he has always lived at home. She believed him as I did. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

You husband should get his ass kicked, he is a lying predator.

Well Blind, I think I have been doing a lot of ass kicking:) Not to mention h beating up on himself a lot too. We are in mc. Yes he is a liar. I don't think of him as a predator.

I like that you use the word obsession, because in general the word has a negative connotation.

You know that seeking her out is not good. Very few of the people who confronted the OW have gotten what they hoped to get out of it.

I guess you have to find a way to keep your energy focused where it belongs, on you and your husband.

There are some pretty good sites and articles on the Net that you can find with a basic "how to change your focus" search.

Thanks imdealing

I think it is normal to obsess. This is a traumatic event, and the questions have to be answered. Why him/her? What about them is different or the same that the CS was drawn to them? Why would they stay with the CS knowing about the BS? They are a threat to the marriage, and most of them are aware of the marriage and put themselves in that situation. Yes, I agree the obsession can be negative if it goes too far or lasts too long. I know for a fact that the OW in my case did some obsessing and investigation of her own. I was her competition, without even knowing it.

I can understand the obsession- easily. It took a long time to get past that, and even now 2 1/2 years later, I'm still slightly curious. However, in my situation (not rebuilding- we were abandoned and he was abusive prior to the A) I see her as replacing me in the cage and I am now free. :)

I know that you don't see him as a predator as you are rebuilding and that would damage that process....but honestly, as a single woman out there now, I would definitely consider someone that was lying his ass off about being married a predator. That's pretty scary, though I know I wouldn't date someone who was still in the divorce process. Anyway, sorry to go off topic there...there was a topic some time ago where similarities were there between the BS and OW, and a cheater replied only that that was his type. One was not a replacement for the other, he just preferred a certain look. I'm sure that is probably the case for your H too.

I understand. It's coming up on 2 years since I found out about the A. I still look at her FB from time to time. I think it's like Suzy said, I'm just trying to see what was so great about her that she was worth ruining our lives over. I have curiosity about OW in general though. I don't get what kind of woman doesn't care who she hurts to get her own happiness. I've never understood steping on others for personal gain.

Would you believe, Kansas, that I did some obsessing about Spammy? (the OW/now wife to my EX - as referred and named by my kids as the imitation meat that she is.) I do believe I did some obsessing.

What the hell was it about her that allowed her to rock my entire world?

And now? Ha...she is the butt of many of my fav jokes. And that is all she is to me.

sooooo, this obsession thing does pass.It exhausts itself like a good, burning fire. Just don't throw anymore logs on that fire, don't give it more fuel...and it will just burn out.

In time...L~

From what I have read it is natural to have an "obsession" for/om the OP.

I personally stalked him (hacked his wireless network at home) and it was all I could do to not do him substantial harm. It is not in my nature to hurt, I love life. But he was a serial cheater and my W fell as we were not on the same page.

I'm to giving either a break. He is the exception, I would not take his life but I felt like leaving him in a state that he would have to be reminded of what he did for the rest of his life. The only thing that kept me from acting on my feelings was the chance that I would be seperated from my darling daughter. In fact I didn't act towards my wife as the books advise just to be sure that the family stayed together for my daughter.

Now I'm paying every day for that last part. I see my W, whom I no longer no and am not in love with. It is hard to look my self in the mirror. What I have left is my daughter and the knowledge that I did the right thing for her.

Peace to you all

Yeah, there's a season and a reason for everything.

The obsession of the OP, I think folks already said it, is very natural. Especially for a certain period of time, that is. And the reasons are varied: so many reasons, mainly you have to do something with all those pent up emotions, as well as attempt to recreate thoughts in your mind, just to make some kind of sense out of the craziness they caused. And the fact, that they changed your reality and marriage, as you once knew it.

But then the season...
eventually you have to let it go, and let it pass, cuz if you don't it will drive ya crazy, and do ya much more harm. She already did ya enough harm, you don't need to contribute to hurting yourself any further, by focusing too long. YOu don't need to give her that power over you. But then again, it is much easier said than done.

Kansas-

You aren't that far out from dday right? I think it's pretty normal to go what you're going through. It's hard not be curious about who your h was willing to risk everything for. All of us have been there.

I knew the OW and it never stopped me from trying to gather info on her. I will say this though-you should resist the temptation to contact her unless she starts initiating contact with your H....then all bets are off.

Think of it this way. If your h has had no contact since dday, then why open that can of worms again. She's leaving him alone so you don't want to introduce her back into your lives!! She's not worth the effort. That's not to say you won't still be curious but I promise that diminishes with time.

Sending support!

Whatever it is, it is just a way to get closure.
I so understand you, kansas....it is uncomfortable and hard and chips away at life to live this way...thinking about her.
This whole high school love thing is complete bullshit.
He may ab in love with a fantasy, we are not the same people we were at 14. I still have feelings for a lot of men from my past.

It is no excuse to run back to them and cheat on your partner who you married.
He just got too comfortable and was unhappy in your marriage for whatever reason. You were not a substitute. He just regressed to pleasant memories and it just happened to be her vs dealing with reality at home.

I accepted that no matter how much I try to figure out what it is that she has that I don't, I will never know.
It really doesn't matter.

Talked about this at mc last night.
Counselor said same thing H has been saying, that it wasn't about me. Ugh that is hard to wrap my head around since I'm dealing with the consequenses. That H was chasing a fantasy and the reality of what he did caught him and kicked his ass.
I'm the one hanging on to her and keeping her close, not H.
...sigh...
I'm sure there will be a long journal entry later when I've had more caffine........