I absolutely agree it is sometimes best to lay off visiting this site if you find yourself being effected, There are so many hurt and angry people here (and rightfully so), that it's hard to NOT be affected by the sufferings of others while you yourself are trying to heal.

Take a break and pick up a book instead. ; )

A book that doesn't involve an affair of course. Haha!

Two weeks after dday a friend took me under her wing. She fixed me a loaf of bread and grabbed a bottle of wine and we sat down and she told me her story. She was my fiddle teacher and the only reason she knew something was up because I cancelled a series of lessons, saying I had hit a bump in the road in my marriage. I did not tell her anything else. She just guessed. I was shocked to find someone so willing at a moments notice to tell me about infidelity in their life, but at the same time relieved to find out that I was not alone.

I found DS when I was searching for an outlet for my fear, concerns, and pain because infidelity isn't something you want to discuss with just anyone. In the beginning I came for my own nurturing but now I come to the forum sometimes to payback the kindness that was bestowed on me that day. To share my story and to let a stranger somewhere in the world know that I understand how they feel. Yes, the stories are hard to read and sometimes I have to take a break.

But I am trying to "pay forward" the kindness and solace given to me during a time in my life when I was hurting so bad. Don't we all come here in the beginning looking for someone to talk to? In the beginning to be consoled, later to ask questions, sometime to get validation for our decisions. I have appreciated the remarks and questions put on here from the various posters because eventually you have to take a hard look at your situation and make decisions.

I have actually found that by offering my advice and sharing thoughts and feelings has been therapeutic for me because it makes me focused on helping a friend sort out their issues and takes my mind off my own problems. It also still in a reminder to me that I am not alone with my situation.

I appreciate my DS friends.

I have thought the same thing myself many times. I come here to talk with my DS family and usually end up in tears. I guess I am not ready to let go of the pain because i keep torturing myself. I guess we will know when its time to let go

Yep i'm another one. I am easing a little off the forum/threads slightly, just because i am healing and if i log in at night, as i so love to do, i often find my sleep is quite bad as my mind is triggering things/perhaps i wouldn't have previously.

Then i send my OH random sms and regret it in the morning!

Having said that this forum has and is a godsend for me.
I want to be there and help others also.

So if i put my chats option to away/busy etc, please don't take it personal! I may be logged in to do my journal or on one of the other groups on DS and trying NOT to think of the OH.

I want to pay it forward AND somedays things are very fresh still and desperately need help too :-)

AND i consider many of you friends now!

I think most of us feel pretty much the same way... I love all of my friends on this site... Don't want to loose them, but understand how hard it is to read some of this stuff.. I still post to my journals sometimes, but I find it's going in cycles... I'm tired of hurting, and tired of dealing (alone) with his infidelity... I want to move forward not back... BUT, like everyone else on here, I also want to help others who are in need... I still have my hands full dealing with my own issues, but I find I'm attracted more to the fun sites than anything else. I finally realized it's because I want to laugh... I want so desperately to be Happy again, which is what we are all, ultimately looking for, that' it's THOSE sites that I gravitate to... But, I think it's because my friends are there and I no there is no judgement, nor will I be taken serious...

I used to come here, read the posts and be overwhelmed with emotions. I'd experience the betrayal all over again through others' pain. But, it helped to know that I was not alone, that the other's CS's said the same things, did the same things, acted the same way as mine did. I didn't feel so alone in my grief and pain and discovered I wasn't crazy. That it wasn't me as my ex said, it was him. This knowledge helped me in my recovery immensely.

Today, I login to this site, read what's posted and find I don't feel that pain anymore. There are no triggers. Those feeling are gone for good. The past is in the past where it belongs. I still feel sadness when I read here what people (CS's) do to others for their own selfish reasons and immaturity, but it does not affect me personally anymore. I have recovered from the experience and I have moved on. My time frame was 1 year post DDay and another 8 months post Divorce Day. With a killer therapist, good friends and the people here on DS, I have recovered in a way I didn't think was ever going to be possible. It's true, you can come out of this a better and stronger person and it's not dependent on the CS or whether you stay in the relationship or not. It's about what YOU make of it, how true you are to yourself, what you choose to learn from it and what direction you choose to go with it. I honestly don't think I could have recovered as well as I have if it wasn't for all of you great people here on DS. Sharing your experiences truly helped me to put things in perspective. Yes, it hurt but it also healed.

I can appreciate what everyone is feeling. I guess you never really get over infidelity (entirely). That's one of the main reasons I know I could never reconcile with a cheater. I haven't met many people who have tried to reconcile. The few I have met, were kidding themselves and miserable. Always stressed out, watching, waiting and in one case, just accepting.

Even here, most of the people who reconcile aren't happy. Their spouses are still cheating (or trying), but they remain stuck. These people need someone to listen to them. They need to be able to rant and rave. Maybe they can even get a little strength from some of us. I didn't have DS when I was going through that misery and anger.

I like to watch for the posts that talk about success. Those are the ones I love. There just aren't very many of them.

It seems cheating is all around us now. It happened again in my family just recently. I fully understand the need to want to escape from it.

I am still trying to understand infidelity. I admit, I don't! I come to DS because I think the 'give and take' discussions can teach us something and just maybe provide a little help from the misery and fear that we can all relate to.

I agree, it's hard sometimes.

Rosita, reading your post sounds like your only view of success is when the BS leaves.

My h and I are doing great and I can name a couple of others that are as well. I can also tell you that I am NOT "kidding myself" Getting through it was alot of hard work on both our parts so having you trivialize it does make me a bit angry. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. I have experienced it both ways. I left me ex-h and did so with 4 children including a newborn son so I am certainly not one to stick around just because I am afraid of being alone. I also separated from my current h for 2 years a while back because he drinking and he had a choice, me or alcohol. Until he was willing and able to address the alcoholism and get treatment, I was just fine with being on my own.

When you post as you have you do a disservice to those of us that have come through a very hard thing. You chose to leave and you felt that it was the right course for you. I certainly would never trivialize that. Try to remember that there are all kinds of us on this site.

and Rosita if I misread what you posted I will apologize now. It is just that when you fight through something this hard it is not easy to see a post as you wrote.

It takes alot of damn work and hurt to work through it. There is not going AROUND it. The hardest thing I had to do was to actually empathize and listen to my h. I thought I would bite through my lip more times than I could count!

As far as understanding infidelity, you couldnt possibly. I dont think it is something that can be understood since to me it is a matter of absence of all reason. It is all about being totally selfish and caring only about that "good feeling" they get when they are either contemplating cheating or doing it! They dont even consider the fall out from it till it happens. To me it is akin to being a teenager! That is the mentality I equal it to. But like any other human weakness or frailty it happens. Does it make the person unloveable or unforgiveable? I think like any other weakness or frailty it depends totally on how they handle themselves when it comes time to pay the piper and also the A itself and how involved it really was. How long, who with, why they did it? All of it but mostly how and what they are willing to do to heal the hurt and injury they did to the BS and marriage. If the marriage before the A was even worth trying to fix? All of it.

If you can come through it all with your sanity, self respect and the understanding that it is NOT ABOUT YOU, then I think you have found success!!

Thank you all again for your replies. As you can see I have a hard time reading some of the posts on DS but apparently I can't stay away for long. I value everything about this site, the friends I've made here, and the tough discussions as well. They all sem to pertain to me, so I read and learn. I hope I learn. Adn I to hope I can help others with what we are all going through. Today I thought I'd die as the triggers were through the roof. My wife wants to sweep all this under the rug. The more she does this, the more I want to scream out and make her understand that's this is too difficult to just sweep. It's more like pick up a peice at a time, and hopefully eventually it looks clean enough to be presentable. Right now it's not. Its still out there for me to see, touch, feel, breathe, smell, and taste. Yuck!!!

I need an Altoid!

Thanks again to all my friends! I value YOU!
Me