Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I want to save my marriage and I don't know where to start.
Last week I caught my husband sexting another girl, telling her that his marriage to me was over. This was news to me. We had trouble for the past couple months, but I always thought this would be a difficult time that we would work through in the long arc of our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage). We're both young, 25, and we have been each others' best friends for a very long time.
We really had a great marriage. It wasn't until he went back to school this year, met younger people, got a new job as a bouncer, and started hanging out with a lot of new friends that he started to change. On top of things, I decided to get a second job to help pay our bills while he was in school, so I was home less often. I don't know what has made him change so drastically. We would get into arguments because he would be texting someone else while we were out together, or trying to watch a movie. He said he didn't know if he loved me anymore. He seemed to resent me. He would tell me that he couldn't see his life without me...and then text his friends that he wishes I would just sign divorce papers and make him free.
I'm so crushed. I moved out last weekend because I could see that he would only keep hurting me. I wanted to make a clear statement that I would not accept this behaviour, as much as it hurts. We have not talked since, except to sort out a few of our bills. I left him with a short note that told him I loved him, and if he felt the same way I did, we should talk. Of course, I did not expect him to contact me, and he didn't.
But the thing I can't forget is that, besides these last few months, our marriage was rock solid. I know in my heart that he loves me, and that I still mean the world to him, despite everything he said. He lied to me, and he lied to his friends, and he lied to other girls to get attention. He seems to be going through a very self-destructive life crisis. I left to give him the space he needs. He has been fantasizing about being single, and I know he needs to explore that path. I'm hoping that it will become less exciting now that he can do that freely.
The only way I will be able to save my sanity and my marriage at this point is by using the 180. No phone calls, no texts, no gifts, visits, talking to his family, his friends, nothing. Cold turkey. He's so angry...I think because he was caught in the act of an emotional affair. I think of his anger like a wall, as as long as that wall is up, I will never be able to get through to him. I know this will only get better over time. He needs to start wondering where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing. I want him to be in the same place I am. Missing him, wanting our marriage back, because it was good. It was amazing. But I've moved out, and he's not showing any signs of wanting to talk ANYTIME soon. He's already mentioned divorce to his family, but I've chosen to ignore this right now, because he's angry and I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth at the moment.
Is it too late for the 180? Have you used it? How did you stay strong? Did it work?
C
Last week I caught my husband sexting another girl, telling her that his marriage to me was over. This was news to me. We had trouble for the past couple months, but I always thought this would be a difficult time that we would work through in the long arc of our 8 year relationship (6 year marriage). We're both young, 25, and we have been each others' best friends for a very long time.
We really had a great marriage. It wasn't until he went back to school this year, met younger people, got a new job as a bouncer, and started hanging out with a lot of new friends that he started to change. On top of things, I decided to get a second job to help pay our bills while he was in school, so I was home less often. I don't know what has made him change so drastically. We would get into arguments because he would be texting someone else while we were out together, or trying to watch a movie. He said he didn't know if he loved me anymore. He seemed to resent me. He would tell me that he couldn't see his life without me...and then text his friends that he wishes I would just sign divorce papers and make him free.
I'm so crushed. I moved out last weekend because I could see that he would only keep hurting me. I wanted to make a clear statement that I would not accept this behaviour, as much as it hurts. We have not talked since, except to sort out a few of our bills. I left him with a short note that told him I loved him, and if he felt the same way I did, we should talk. Of course, I did not expect him to contact me, and he didn't.
But the thing I can't forget is that, besides these last few months, our marriage was rock solid. I know in my heart that he loves me, and that I still mean the world to him, despite everything he said. He lied to me, and he lied to his friends, and he lied to other girls to get attention. He seems to be going through a very self-destructive life crisis. I left to give him the space he needs. He has been fantasizing about being single, and I know he needs to explore that path. I'm hoping that it will become less exciting now that he can do that freely.
The only way I will be able to save my sanity and my marriage at this point is by using the 180. No phone calls, no texts, no gifts, visits, talking to his family, his friends, nothing. Cold turkey. He's so angry...I think because he was caught in the act of an emotional affair. I think of his anger like a wall, as as long as that wall is up, I will never be able to get through to him. I know this will only get better over time. He needs to start wondering where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing. I want him to be in the same place I am. Missing him, wanting our marriage back, because it was good. It was amazing. But I've moved out, and he's not showing any signs of wanting to talk ANYTIME soon. He's already mentioned divorce to his family, but I've chosen to ignore this right now, because he's angry and I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth at the moment.
Is it too late for the 180? Have you used it? How did you stay strong? Did it work?
C
you can have 50 repsonses to this and they could sell you the pros and cons of the 180 but in the end, you just have to figure out the situation and see if it will work for you
Since you are not living with him, he might not notice that you are even doing the 180.
You need to take care of you, and be prepared if he doesn't want to stay married. Be strong forself. You can do the 180 for yourself.....
My husband (now ex) changed a great deal suddenly too.
We had been together for nearly twenty years, and more importantly, we were together nearly 24/7/365, which implies a palpable closeness, one that existed throughout the marriage .... until the last year.
In the final year, he hooked up with an online prostitute/sexworker and left me, robbing me on the way out. There was NO reason to imagine he would ever behave like that. NONE. But. the behavior was real, and suddenly I had no value anymore, except as a wallet an someone to blame when hooker gf dumped him. I had to file for divorce, because he had just completely changed. He didn't love me anymore and was happy to tell me that. I do not understand it and never will.
My ex also thought he had missed out on things in terms of lots of sex with lots of women. I hope he is happy as a single now, because what could be better? I don't think he is successful with women, and of course, the prostitute left him after getting all the money.
I hope you won't be upset to hear this, but at 60 I can tell you that being with someone 8-10 years is really not a long time. When people's values change, everything you thought you could count on previously disappears. Your H is running with a fast and shallow crowd now and talking about divorce. You need to heed that he has changed and that his values are lowlife ones now, shallow, like the values of people who spend time where bouncers would work generally are.
I don't know if he will return to normalcy if you 180 him or not. I understand why you would want to resurrect your relations with him and marriage is scared to many of us and well worth defending.
It is possible that he is not the man you married anymore. I hope that is not the case for both of you.
He is young 25 years old - he sees stuff on TV (MTV world) - probably feels like he is missing out - you have let the cage door open - I can pretty much guarentee you - you are on his mind. He is wondering what your doing etc.
The 180 is also to help you - get the cancer of your life right now - this situation out of your life - instead of not taking action and letting them walk all over you. It also allows you to get your voice - confidence - self esteem back when your ready to take on that challenge of talking or if hes ready to talk.
Is your heart broken? heck yea - Your young - you have your whole life ahead of you. Is this how u want it to end? heck no - so you are doing the right thing.
Your self esteem is also probably shot - look at Demi Moore - do you want to go dancing around like that? Please know your worth and u will find a guy that knows your worth.
You can talk to dude/him/WS like others have suggested but you have to be able to understand and except that he may just tell u he wants his freedom - its not that in time you won't be able to talk to him - its just with the 180 u will have more a voice at that conversation table because he will now feel the full force of life without u and what it is fully about.
Partying looks great from the outset - hall passes look great from the outset - once he tastes from those dishes - most likely he will start to get sick and wonder what the heck he is doing and has done and hopefully come to his senses.
Unfortunitly there is no silver bullet to fix this unless he comes around and at that time u will have major resentment once u figure out he is not going anywhere and truely wants to be with u - this is all so stupid in the end and pretty much pointless but empty folk will be empty folk.
Heck - if you had just meant the right dude from the offset or this dude had the right mindfreame - that pushed himself to achieve xyz and u both were achieving xyz - there would still be complications in life - but this one complication is a major blow. Weather the storm - we are here to help.
Hang in there and follow your gut. You may find yourself in a much better place in a few years, either because he makes some massive changes, or because he is out of your life and you are building a better one than you could have ever had with him.
Stay strong. I think that's what the 180 is all about anyway.
I commend you for standing up for yourself and setting a boundary. Please do two things; call an attorney just to get some advice on your legal rights and call a counselor to help you with the emotional pain. I made these two phone calls and it was the best thing for me. It doesn't mean you have to get a divorce, but it is better to have knowledge and be prepared in case you go that route.
Sending all sorts of healing hugs! I'm sorry.
It might help to read my articles labeled "Healing Steps for the BS" in the following link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/
There are others there that may help, but especially read the one dealing with an uncooperative CS. Reading the one on "Healing Steps for the CS" would be good too, to get a picture of what he should be doing, so you'll have a good idea when he's being cooperative and when he's not.
But, it may not matter what you do, he's going to do what he's going to do. So the 180 at least helps you prepare for that if it goes the way of separation.