Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Just to recap my story, my H was involved with a Bunny Boiler, and when he broke it off, she sent pics of them having sex to my children and pretty much told the whole town. So, many people know what's happened in our marriage.
Now, let's fast forward to my friend, who has been divorced for about 4 years. She recently started seeing a man who is married, and somehow thinks I should be consoling her about all the trials and tribulations of having a clandestine relationship.
Her new beau is of course telling her that he's miserable in his marriage, and he and his wife are platonic, they're only together until the kids get older, etc.
Since we live in such a small area, I have asked her why this man's wife has never even hinted at the "misery" of their marriage? Why are there still PDA's between them when they're at social functions? Her MM has of course explained that his W wants to keep up the image of a good marriage. What about the jewelry she got from him for Christmas and posted the photos of, complete with the "thank you" kiss? Her MM said that it was for show, and his W actually bought the jewelry for herself and wrapped it "from him" because she didn't want the kids to see that he didn't even get her a Christmas gift.
My friend is not stupid. She is choosing to believe these half assed stories because she wants them to be true. I get that.
I can't sympathize with stupidity. Just as people who play with other types of fire (drugs, alcohol, etc.) and get burned don't get my sympathy, I can't support someone who is KNOWINGLY doing something WRONG and choosing to plead ignorance about it.
She is furious with me, and insists that as her friend, I should be supporting her. This all came to a head because she found out that her man can't be with her on Valentine's Day because his evil W has already committed them to attending an event with mutual friends that night.
I can't feel sorry for her. I can't approve. I think I'd feel this way even if my H hadn't cheated. I know that friends should support one another, but they also have to be honest with one another, and I think she's making horrible choices.
Opinions?
Now, let's fast forward to my friend, who has been divorced for about 4 years. She recently started seeing a man who is married, and somehow thinks I should be consoling her about all the trials and tribulations of having a clandestine relationship.
Her new beau is of course telling her that he's miserable in his marriage, and he and his wife are platonic, they're only together until the kids get older, etc.
Since we live in such a small area, I have asked her why this man's wife has never even hinted at the "misery" of their marriage? Why are there still PDA's between them when they're at social functions? Her MM has of course explained that his W wants to keep up the image of a good marriage. What about the jewelry she got from him for Christmas and posted the photos of, complete with the "thank you" kiss? Her MM said that it was for show, and his W actually bought the jewelry for herself and wrapped it "from him" because she didn't want the kids to see that he didn't even get her a Christmas gift.
My friend is not stupid. She is choosing to believe these half assed stories because she wants them to be true. I get that.
I can't sympathize with stupidity. Just as people who play with other types of fire (drugs, alcohol, etc.) and get burned don't get my sympathy, I can't support someone who is KNOWINGLY doing something WRONG and choosing to plead ignorance about it.
She is furious with me, and insists that as her friend, I should be supporting her. This all came to a head because she found out that her man can't be with her on Valentine's Day because his evil W has already committed them to attending an event with mutual friends that night.
I can't feel sorry for her. I can't approve. I think I'd feel this way even if my H hadn't cheated. I know that friends should support one another, but they also have to be honest with one another, and I think she's making horrible choices.
Opinions?
I hope your stupid (at least right now) friend will understand it one day and appreciates it fully. If not - too bad for her (and sadly for this man's wife and children.....). Stick to your guns!
Also I can't believe she expects you to support her and sympathize with her after what you have been through!
Hugs!
Ok - any non friend would agree say "hey" party over here - your about to jump off a bridge - that's cool with me.
Any "real" friend would scream/point out - your about to jump off a freakin bridge.
My advice - point it out and leave it at that and if she brings it up just say listen - you and I see things from totally different lenses - you don't want to hear my opionion you want me to agree to you to jump off a bridge - I "care" too much so for now I will keep my mouth shut.
If you want to talk about how this is going to affect you in the future - I will have those talks - if you want to discuss how you are a robber in the night and stealing "quality" time away from the spouse (would you want that to happen to you?)- I am here for that conversation - other then that - this is your life - you are a grown person - do as u wish.
Just remember the karma train is about to come around for you. You already purchased that ticket when you started this. You will have to get on and it will be collected - non refundable.
Thats what I would say.
Onyx, you give good advice.
Furthermore, my friend LOATHES the Bunny Boiler.
She just really wants to believe that her MM is in a different situation; he's not "cheating" because his marriage is "just for show". He has an excuse for everything that indicates that's untrue. She's just turning a blind eye (in my opinion) and she thinks I'm just overly sensitive because of my H's affair.
I am half tempted to invite her and the MM's W for drinks (we're all acquaintances, but not really friends) and just let her HEAR this woman talk about her family directly.
Stand your ground with her and let her know that she is not just hurting herself in this situation.
Think about having her get on this sight and read how often these goofy,cheaters say the very things that he is telling her.
Kids always think they are responsible. Your friend should never be the other woman.
Feels a bit like playing with fire.
It might solve the issue (at least for your friend, because this poor woman's husband will simply find himself another lover) but it might also cause a lot of damage - both to your friendship (your friend might hate you for that) and to the wife who perhaps has very little idea of waht is going on and perhaps is not prepared to handle the reality which might come out accidentally.
I do understand though that you are trying to both protect your friend and that family from falling apart. I actually do have a similar dilemma....
How about saying to the wayward husband, "I will not be with you until you are divorced. Once your divorce is final, we can be together, but not before! I will not be a trollop, whore, family ruining swine!"
Infidelity's foundation is deception! So why would the cheating husband be telling her the truth about his marriage or anything at all?
I wish there was an injection that you get when you are married that if you stick your beef in any bun that it shouldn't be in, then you have 30 days to live unless your faithful spouse gave you the anti-venom (a pardon).
That's just MY opinion, tho. :)