I know exactly where you're coming from. When my W was afraid everything would hit the fan, she was most worried that this might destroy his family, hurt his relationship with his kids, mess up his marriage!!! He obviously didn't give a rat's rear end about what this has done for my family! And my wife just took it for granted that our kids would not be affected by what she did.

I met the lousy SOB once before I really knew what was going on (or was still partly in denial, not sure which) and called him on the phone when I found a text from him on my wife's phone. But nothing beyond that. I too am trying to take the high road, but sometimes wonder why.

Hang in there!

Good. This is an important part in YOUR process. When you stick up for yourself - it demonstrates some self worth. If you dont treat yourself well, no one else is. Stick to it.

Hey, rock on! Anyone can be nice as hell, but there is nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself.

It's said about me often, 'L's a wonderful person .... just don't piss her off!'

Hey, I can live with that.

Socrushed, there is nothing wrong with being a bitch. Nothing at all. A bitch is just a woman who deals with what people bring her way in a solid fashion, very cut and dried.

My grandma told me to be a bitch.

She also said, 'don't be an ass.' An ass stirs things up in others people's lives that is not necessary. They are the drama queens. They are the shit starters. The pot stirrers.

So, be a bitch. Don't be an ass.

p.s. People know I am a bitch...and I don't care.

((((big hug)))))

L~

(and your man? I think he just wants this all put to rest. Sure, is willing to work it out with you and wants you and is willing to do the work, but as far as everyone else goes? He just wants it all put to rest.)

socrushed, I'm not sure how I feel about this (not that you need my permission, lol) and here's why. I think you may know my story. I found out about my H's A when the OW whack job sent me a message on Facebook way after the fact. I don't know her, nor have I ever met her, but I think it's safe to assume that if I questioned her about why she felt the need to disrupt the life of my family, in addition to just mine, I'm sure she'd justify it by saying something like, "I thought you had the right to know." Of course, we all know that's pure BS!

Her only motive was revenge. Her life turned to sh_t by her own making and she didn't want my H, or me for that matter, to go unscathed. In her emotionally immature mind, she failed to think about how our innocent children would be affected by this. She couldn't just accept that it didn't work out (why would she think being with a married man would work anyway?)and move on with her pathetic life and let us live in peace.

Even though you are upset that your H is thinking of the other people in the OW's life, I think it's noble that he is. I wish my H's OW would have had that nobility...at least after the fact. Just think about it a bit. If you really feel compelled to send the letter, than do what you need to do, but if there really is a chance her kids could read the letter, ask yourself if that's what you really want. How many more people have to be hurt by this horrible mistake your H made? Just my unique take! God bless!

This thread reminds me of a quote from the movie Dolores Claiborne, " Sometimes you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto".

Anyway, trash or burn the letter.
She isn't worth your time, effort, or potential reprisal.
She already takes up too much space in your head, do not give it fuel.

Don't mail the letter. She'll probably self destruct anyway.

Yeah, I am with Mommy. No need to send the letter, but...

...if the bitch shows up again, go bitch on her.

L~

I feel I have to disagree with u Znz. After D-day, I called her husband and told him about the affair (which is not revenge--it's just the right thing to do. I am sickened by the people who knew about my H's affair and didn't tell me). You said that it is 'noble' hor her H to care about her family's feelings. I don't find it noble at all. If my H was noble, he wouldn't have cheated in the first place. I think that my H's initial response to stop me from contacting her family was about his misguided feelings of 'protecting' her. Our H's should be caring about our feelings, especially after what they've done to us. My H doesn't try to stop me from contacting her anymore (I gave up on that for my own sanity), but I will never see his 'protection' of her as noble; I see it as nothing but a continuation of his ultimate betrayal.

Znz...plz don't mistake my rant at being directed towards u; it's directed at my H and the now divorced and lonely (due to me telling her H) skank he had his 4 yr affair with. Ok. Taking a deep breath now. My rant is over. :-)

Maybe I'm just a little vindictive... but I believe Karma is a Bitch, and she has a Loooong memory. There's a web site now...http://cheaterville.com/ where you can post things anonymously. If revenge is your bag. Think it through first, though ; people have killed spouses over less.

Jackiee, I totally didn't feel as if you were ranting at me and I totally see your point of view. I guess there is a big difference between the BS telling the OP's spouse and the jolted OW telling the BS. The former is out of a sense of decency; the latter is revenge, pure and simple. My H's OW was nowhere near decent. Her only motive was to hurt and destroy my family. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I see your point.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm sure I won't do anything with the letter, it's just the idea that someone can try her best to destroy your marriage and not care at all about you. But I have to let all of that go and can't even tell her how I feel about what she did. { I know H is most at fault here, just talking about HER part in all of this}

It just isn't fair that someone can hurt you like that and you can do nothing at all to them. Not even have your say. But I guess there is nothing fair about this situation to begin with.

Still trying to accept things and be NICE!! thanks again!

This is such a huge struggle. I'm tired of always being the "nice" one too. The OW makes me so angry some days I could scream (and sometimes do). When the A came to light in my situation the OW wrote an email to my H saying she is worried that I will ruin her character and career and she has worked hard to maintain that. WHAT? HUH? What did she just say? Maybe she shouldn't have had an affair with a married man at work then!!!

I did write her a letter, ONE letter right after I found out and had confronted her. I stated how she was to stay away from myself, my husband and our family or I would be in her office and we could discuss her character and career in front of her co-workers so we would both have witnesses. Last we heard from her!
Now when I want to contact her just to say " just thinking about you" lol.,I stop myself because it would be ME bringing her back into our lives and I really don't want to deal with that again.

Sometimes we just need to vent and I think writing is a good way to do that. Sometimes that is enough, sometimes not. I really understand when you say "who cared about you and your family when this happened?". Why should you be the good guy now? Oh...I get that in spades!! My opinion is this. You do what you need to do to move forward. If it's to send the letter, so be it, and maybe just reading it to your husband or out loud to a friend is enough.
I really hope Karma comes to bite these OP in the butt one day and I hope Karma gives us "nice" people a break!!!

Hey, I have an idea...why don't we start a thread titled, "Letter to the OP" We can post the letter we would like to send instead of sending it. Perhaps the OP will see it (if they are stalking us, lol) perhaps not, but maybe it will make us feel better? I'm pondering this one myself...