Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
It's been just over 3 years since d-day and we are still together. Im wondering if other bs have felt the same as I at this stage.. Still have horrible days where it hits you hard (though I quickly recover myself). Other days, I feel like I've given so much and didn't get enough back quick enough. My h has changed, for the better. He really has. But it sucks because it isn't the same.. I know it will never be the same, I've read it a million times. But I didn't think I would feel different about him. I've read that I would be easier by now and in many ways, it is. Is this normal to feel this way? I fought so hard to keep him and our marriage. And though we've gotten to the place I always hoped, something feels missing. Thoughts? Has anyone felt this way?
However, being cheated on opens a door that was closed before. Even though the logical side of your brain might really trust him, the emotional side of your brain still has the imprint of how devastating it felt to be betrayed by the person you loved with all your heart an soul. You read all those text messages that drove home the fact that it was an emotional and physical affair. He actually fell in love with another woman and was planning on dumping you for her. You said you fought for him and he changed his mind. Unfortunately you won the party prize, only to realize that doing so came with a whole other subset of problems,
There will always be that little doubt clouding your interactions with him, because you know deep down inside that it could very well happen again. Heck some tiny part of your brain must wonder if she finally stopped stalking you both because they are meeting for a quickie every now and then. Those are kinds of thoughts the betrayed are left to grapple with. We also sometimes don't trust that we are really enough and wonder what will happen the next time he gets a wild hair.
I don't think things will ever be the same. What you need to ask yourself is if you have the courage and interest in continuing with him, even though you might find out he's cheated again in five or ten years.
Having a family is important, but you can't keep letting this get to you. You either have to leave or shut the door in your mind and find some peace. If you don't the OW is sill walking around with your personal power. That's the way I see it.
Yes, it's normal. Yes, it sucks. Everything is different now. Perhaps you just need to accept that. So you feel different about him. Perhaps you always will. Is that so bad?
Focus only on the positives for a moment. Write these down if it helps. There must be something now that's better than it was before.
For me I can think of three things off the top of my head... Our sex life has improved. It's more frequent and more adventurous than it was before. This is a direct result of some honest conversations about what we do and don't enjoy. Her work. She runs her own business and I'm now more actively involved. In the beginning this was about me keeping an eye on her but it turns out I really enjoy her line of work. My hobbies. I've returned to hobbies I gave up and started a new hobby I always wanted to try.
I'd recommend a TED Talk on Infidelity by Esther Perel. Have you seen this? It's upbeat but also realistic about the state of a relationship post-affair.
What are your positives?
In any statistical probability we tend to put ourselves on the favorable side be it adultery or cancer, being hit by a bus etc.
It's hard to let go of that fantasy but we can never go back to that perspective because it has happened to us.
That doesn't change if you are with your CS or a new person. You will take this level of awareness into any relationship.
I don't think is a bad thing per say. Seeing reality a bit clearer is a good thing. Red pill world is a bit dirtier but you realize you can't trust anyone completely because we are all flawed, but living in a safe blue pilled world is putting your hands over your eyes.
It's not just accepting your reformed cheating spouse as a flawed human, but everyone you know that will help you deal with this new reality.
I am new to this so each day is a learning experience for me now. I still seek truth. I still seek to fill in what was omitted for self preservation. For me, it is a way to start building trust. And my hope is that once it starts to build it will continue. But, I will never fully trust anyone again. It would be impossible to do but again, that new normal comes up. I guess that I never reach that level of trust with my wife that was once there for so many years.
I wish you luck in this battle. I hope that whatever the new normal for you becomes, it will be enough for you to feel it was worth all the effort. So much effort.
bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!! the weakness to choose, infidelity, to choose to betray, is not something we are flawed with.
fowardmotion do you and your partner get tested for stds regularly because your partner and you "we are all flawed" therefore you can't trust each other?
Gutted, on some level, I think you are right and I didn't think of it that way.
Hopefulhusband. You sound alot like me in my day to day and there are positives and they sound very similar to yours.
Forwardmotion, it is hard letting go of that fantasy. But it's true, i don't trust anyone fully anymore.
Foolish1, I'm sorry for what has happened to you. When you say "at this stage of recovery" please know that I am lightyears away from what used to be my "normal" after dday. Finding out truths, for me, was important too. I know many advise against it, but it me, it was to take back control of my mind.. But where do we drawl the line and say "I have enough truth" to move on.
Refurb, thank you for a different insight. I like your complete honesty with what you feel. I see what you're saying, that cheating is a choice, not a character flaw. But I see what forwardmotion is trying to say too. (And I have been std tested every year since, for my own state of mind).
Thank you everyone for your opinions and insight with your truths and I wish you all the very best <3