In my case, the effort comes and it goes again...

Long story short:

Yeah, I would have been better off to get this over with two years ago.

Im only about 6 months into this. Most days are good. But those thoughts seem to creep up on me every few days. I too never thought I would tolerate something like this, but here I am.

that is a hard question to answer as you know . it is hard to be comfortable when you have been cheated on an felt the pain in your heart. is it going to happen again or has it ever stopped. i would do anything to rid myself of that question everyday . i dont want to give up cause i love her, but i dont want find out that im the only one that is in love. we seperated after she cheated and i started feel better as time went on but we got back together to try and make it work between us . but struggling everyday to relax and beleave her when she tells me that she loves me . all i can say is that it is something i have cure in me but it isnt an easy thing to do. i guess if your love is strong you may be able to make it work and it doesnt turn into the pain we fear the most. good luck

I totally understand this feeling. My h. worked hard for a year to get me to come back into our marriage. I still have doubts, esp. when his negative behaviors surface back into his personality. We've both been through private and personal counseling. Time was the biggest healer for me. But frankly he'll never have my trust 100%. That was a one time shot...just like losing your virginity. But slowly it's rebuilding into a different type of relationship and marriage. Would I have been better off getting out of our relationship...I don't know the answer to that. I know if it happens again I'm out the door and not looking back.

I'm struggling with the same thing. I almost did move out yesterday but realized I might be making a "bad" decision. Under stress, I find myself doing that alot. I've started to at least think through things a little more clearly now even with those harbored feelings. I'm not well enough to handle a lot of stress at once and I have to take one step at a time. To much at once hurts me more. Your answer will come, it may take more time but I'm sure it will come to you eventially. If you both are committed to your marriage it can work.

I agree with Eviser, and many others here. The toughest thing for me is: Is this effort real, or fake, because before I thought he was my faithful husband, and I was wrong before. It is so tough to tell, even though my H is "acting" nicer, is it just an "act" to get over the bump he made, out of total disregard.

I still struggle with that, and D-day was May 7th, almost 3 months ago, and at times it seems like it was forever ago. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp, sometimes in a reality warp, sometimes in a emotionally suspended warp. All because of his betrayal.

I think the only way is if they come clean. Mine swears that it was not physical, my gut says it was. He swears that he was obsessed with her, but never thought of her sexually, or did anything sexually. I don't believe it, and that's my hurdle. If you don't believe that the story is completely and wholly revealed, then I think the couple can't move on, and is only fooling themselves.

So I'm on this journey to recovery, but I have to insist over and over again to get the full story, and he insists over & over again, there was no sex. What a tangled web we weave, when you do in fact deceive!! I hate this merry go round!!!

Errrr, I really don't want to persuade anyone in their decision but...

I left...and then went back to try yet again...and left again after like 7 months...and stayed gone.

When you are ON the rollercoaster constantly, I don't think you really take note of the upheavals and all. When you get OFF the rollercoaster, you notice it. It is very real - the not being on it. Then to go back to that rollercoaster??? How I noticed what he considered to be normal...and what I no longer did. That is when I left and stayed very gone.

Like I said, I don't want to persuade anyone to make any big decision based on my personal experience. It all comes individually, doesn't it? As far as this whole question really goes? I think it comes down to 'is it worth it? how much more can I endure? how much more do I WISH to endure for this relationship?'

Just my two cents...L~

Thanks to all who responded. I think it's helped me work through some of my thoughts.

Which time?

I wondered about it every day for years after her first affair. But I realized if I hadn't forgiven her and tried, I'd of been a quitter, or at least I would have lived feeling like one, but more importantly, I wouldn't have had my three younger daughters, and I know that it was God's plan for me to be with her long enough to have those four girls with her.

I absolutely feel like I wasted four months of my life trying to save the marriage this time around. I should have, on D-Day (December 17), told her to end the affair or get out. She was disrespecting me and our family and I shouldn't have tolerated that. I wasted a lot of tears and caused myself a lot of stress I didn't have to, we wasted a LOT of money we didn't have on marriage counseling, and it allowed a relationship to form between me and another woman and that ended sourly and caused more trouble between me and the STBX additionally.

In the end, all that time together did was give her more chances to lie, disrespect and humiliate me.

Next week marks the 1 year 'anniversary" of his cheating.... Do I ever wonder, of course. I said the word Divorce several times the night I found out about the affair, feeling adamant that I was out the door. I am here, and 1 year later I am content re the decision I made to stick it out for the time being. I didn't want to look back and think that things could have been different if I had stuck around. He is in therapy, and his communication is different then prior. I am not hopeful or hopeless at this point, but I know that I need to be here right now. Some days SUCK royally, but he listens to my anger and pain....and if he didn't, I can't imagine being in this relationship at all.

I stayed for 4 miserable years...He showed little remorse...In fact he moved out in the beginning for these reasons...'He could not bear to see my pain'...and thought I needed time to heal on my own?? (very thoughtful of him..haha)...I went to Hell and back...My kids were emotional wrecks...our lives were totally destroyed...He seemed to just continue with his life...like nothing had happened...I could not get over the betrayal (ow was my 'best friend')...It haunted me every day...counselling helped a bit, but I could not trust him...It was such a low point...I even wondered if I could trust my dogs...He claims he 'worked' at the marriage...buying material things does not do it for me...I was never convinced the ow was completely out of the picture either...During the first 6 months of the 4 years...I got that old familiar feeling and decided to contact a PI...He retrieved cell phone records and there it all was in black and white...they were still in contact...By this time we had moved cities...my sons were in new schools and we were building our 'dream' home...I confronted him again...and he swore on his life etc...that it would stop...I didn't believe him, so wrote him a 3 page letter laying out the terms and conditions...The contents of the letter in short, stated...If I was to ever catch him out again...he would sign over the house, business, cars, etc. to me...He signed it and I gave a copy to our counsellor...From there on things improved slightly...but everytime his phone rang, or he was late getting home, I had that unsettled feeling...The detective in me was always there...working overtime...We even redid our marriage vows and not even that helped me regain my trust...Well, he did not deserve it anyway...Right at the end of the 4th year,I caught him again with the same woman...up to his dirty tricks...This time, however, I booted his ass out immediately and filed for divorce...Looking back I think I stayed mainly because I feared the unknown...financial reasons played a big part too...Hopefully your journey through this 'thing' turns out well...It is a terrible place to find yourself in...I sympathise with each and every one of you...

Chewdy, We looked at the movie "FIREPROOF". Did no good. As a matter of fact she's even more of a B than before. Guilt is a MF ain't it?
prince

Sometimes I wonder how things would have worked out if we hadn't of made our marriage work after his affair. Today, I'm glad we did everything possible to save "Us" because I never stopped loving him. He has done everything- including leaving his career, family & lover behind 800 miles to save our marriage so I know he loves me. I know I needed to forgive in order to move on-sounds like you may have some forgiveness issues.