I'm struggling with that right now , should I stay or should I go????? Recently watched the movie "fireproof" and I think finally my H gets it! The movie was very emotioanl describing a couple threatened with divorce. I bought it for us to watch together to see if that would make him look at our marriage and realize that it could be ending. He has told me that he can't stop thinking about the movie and the different meaning or the partnership of the marriage.

Well, I think it would of been harder if I didn't see my H putting in work to save our marriage. Right now I will say it was worth saving since he has tried to do better. If he was still doing the same things then I think I would of been gone a long time ago.

I have thought about it before in the past when times were really hard things have been a lot better.

If the person is up to the same thing then yeah I'd understand why you would feel you aren't moving forward like you would like to. Yeah seeing them will remind us, but that will start to fade and not be as powerful in time. It will help if they are trying to fight and work on the marriage with you.

I have stayed (So Far) and I will get back with you on whether or or it was I will be better off. I have tough skin and ego. My wife actually has been doing all the heavy lifting as far as trying to repair our relationship. And we are starting MC again. So we will see.

I suppose I wouldn't think on this as much if I felt my W was working harder.

I'm not a big fan of letting time tell... :(

Chewdy, I'm glad your H has finally seen the light! I've heard that movie is good.

Up until now I feel like I have been the one who has worked harder than H to repair what he broke. The movie was very well worth it! I would like to see if he starts to put more into the repairing of this marriage after watching that movie.

Myself, I was not given a choice. Actually never was given a choice in anything in our relationship. It is funny how he tells people that I had to control everything (anyone who knows me knows different) when it was he who started and ended everything. He decided how I would feel and how I would respond and so then decided what I should know and what I should not. He decided when fights started or ended. He also decided when our 13 year common-law marriage would end and what I would know and not know about it.
I think if the cheater owns what they did, is truly remorseful and willing to go to the mat for the relationship then the betrayed can heal and the marriage relationship can also heal and become stronger. However, if the cheater wants to shift blame to the betrayed or bury and ignore what they did then I beleive the betrayed is far better off going it alone and moving forward to find a more mature and complete partner. The cheater's often just want to ignore what they have done an have things get back to normal. They won't. It has to be faced honestly again and again and again until the betrayed partner has been allowed to work through their pain and rebuild the trust that was lost. It can't be ignored. It happened. You can't "not talk" about it. It happened! If the betrayed needs to talk about it every day for 300 days or more then the cheater needs to listen and take it. If they are not willing to do whatever it takes for the healing to happen then it is not worth staying. It just isn't.
No matter what the issues in the marriage may have been, the betrayed never deserved it and deserves way better. I truly beleive it can be worked out but it depends solely on the couple and espcially on the mindset of the cheater. Just my two cents.

Newwoman, what you say makes a lot of sense.
I guess it comes down to whether you feel they're doing what it takes. If I felt that, then I'd feel good about working through it.

I guess they can't do what it takes if they don't understand what was done. If they choose to ignore that, then they won't understand what it takes... ugh.

I can't be sure if my W just has no understanding or just doesn't care enough.
I dred the time and agony I'm going to go through in finding out which it is. And if it's that she doesn't have enough understanding, how much more time and agony will there be in gaining it...

There is so much confusion inside of me that I often wonder if I'd have saved myself a great deal by bring closure to the cause of it a long time ago.

Bullit,

I feel the same way. My H doesn't take responsibility for what he's done, just wants to move past the consequences. He actually said last week "You just need to get over it!". Like I can just forget it ever happened and live happily taking complete care of him until it happens again! As if!

Well, I don't know what to do either.

I have met lots of married men who want to cheat, or do cheat, and if your husband has cheated on you, he always will, he is just going to say or try to do what he needs to keep you and sleep with everyone he can get away with. So, you ladies have to decide if your ok with the thought of your husband always having a mistress, because he will because you did not leave him, and he knows your not going anywhere and he can do whatever he wants. I know your emotionally attached blah, blah, blah, just leave them, they are going to give u AIDS or herpes seriously, there is to much you can catch from an unfaithful partner now a days it is not good for your physical health

I stayed for a year after the first OW....(Should have left then). It was more degrading for me after finding out about the second one. Would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache. I do applaud the BS's & WS's who are trying to work things out TOGETHER...I didn't have that option. It IS possible to move on if you are BOTH commited.

If he stays faithful, then it is/was worth it. Unfortunately, we cannot see into the future.

I am in a similar position now. We are trying to make it work, but the constant thought of her and OM is hard to get over. How far from D-day are you?

i have those days. actually having one now..... but i wonder if thats the only way to feel empowered? i mean... i am a common sense person if he or she cheats.... you leave rite? its a no brainer! but here i am wondering why im here. he has always treated me wonderfully aside from the whole affair...sounds crazy, i know. but things have changed and i should feel empowered because so to speak the balls in my court. and i dont mean it in a malicious way just hes making sure to keep our marriage going i am the one who struggles with it. i dunno im thinking i know exactly what you mean..... so why do we stay? i know ill always have love for him just not the crazy intense unconditional do anything for you kind of love i use to hold for him and thats why the affair killed me! yes the whole ow thing sucks but ultimately he took an amazing feeling i had and trashed it and i know ill never get it back. i guess thats why im here trying to find that feeling again... and im scared ill resent him for it and never really search for it or try as hard as i can to make it work.

Mike, I'm coming up on 2 years, still as fresh as ever. 2 years of promises, 2 years of "discussions", 2 years of wondering why she isn't stepping up for me... I'm well aware the pain can resurface decades from now. How far are you?

Jes, I always thought I'd leave too. In fact, my W knew I left my previous relationship b/c of infidelity. To me that says she knew what she was risking and slapped me in the face anyway. I don't know why I'm still here, I certainly don't feel that same type of love like you're talking about.

Evisor8d, I wish I had your tough ego :)

Maggie, Ouch! At least my W pretends... or maybe that makes it worse on me... to me that's cold and shows blatant ignorance.

It's been 8 months, my husband is doing EVERYTHING anyone could wish for. I couldn't have it any other way, but I still keep hurting and wondering if it was best to stay together.
You have to be satisfied with the strides your spouse is taking to make it up to you and you have to be able to forgive her. I think only then it will be a success.
I'm working on part 2.