Socrushed,

I think its a positive thing that he was willing to give you so much info. Even if he wasnt truthful (and how would you know if he wasnt?)....at least his attempting to give you some assurance that always has and still does care for you. In many, many cases on this board, the cheating spouse refuses to talk about it and wants it to magically dissappear.

Good luck to ya

So many don't even come close to demonstrating the level of remorse that your H has. You have so much to be grateful for.

Blindsided will show up for this one, I am sure.

You know, if he felt his bad (his losing wieght and not eating) about his actions, I just can't see him portraying you like the villian at the same time. It just doesnt' work in my mind...

Sending you support, L~

Hi Socrushed!

I know u are in a lot of pain, particularly during the holiday season.
It does takes a few seasons of recovery to get back to normal.

All affairs have their nuances, but they have similarities......common threads.

I have read repeatedly, that an affair is generally when TWO vulnerable people cross paths.
Another authors opinion is..........The 2 major internal components of a person prone to an affair is: Low self-esteem combined with poor conflict resolution skills.

Whether this vulnerability is completely internal to them (midlife etc), marriage challenges, life struggles, work stress, deaths, but most of all CHANGE. This is why many affairs occur during pregnancies for example. I mean....that is the MOST horrible time to be cheating......but I think its a VERY vulnerable time as well. Moving, new jobs, recent deaths.....often precede affairs.

Many times, the betrayed can see a combination of these and other factors that preceded an affair.......sometimes not.

We usually cannot understand how they went THAT far to actually become physical or emotional. I mean.....WHAT WERE THEY THINKING.

This occurs via breaking boundaries one at a time. The time frame is different for each affair. Sometimes it's a ONS......sometimes it goes on for some time.

It goes like this.

Each boundary broken is justified because they did not 'technically' cheat. It can begin with chatting......then lunch.....then a meetup.

During each boundary break, they feel they have NOT broken the sacred vow.
During this process, they are getting positive attention. It feels good. They typically still love their spouse.......but they are now heading down the slippery slope.
They know they are doing something wrong, so they begin to justify it to alleviate guilt. The easiest target of course is the spouse.

At the same time......to keep the addictive feelings going....they they flatter and show concern to their 'future' affair partner..... In fact....they are doing what they WANT with their spouse.....but are unable to because of a communication break down, fear of judgement, NEW resentments, etc.

Finally......if it becomes physical.......they must do the ULTIMATE justification. Nobody wants to feel like a cheater......a bad person.
So....they often view their spouse as a reason that led them there.

Then......as a result of the physical side of the affair.....they feel its too late...they ALREADY cheated....so any future intimacy does not feel like another boundary break.

Then ...the most insidious part of this. When a man and woman become intimate.....chemicals rush in. It feels good. Its the same chemicals that make us crazy about one another in the beginning of any new legitimate relationship. We are made this way to procreate. These chemicals / feelings are like a drug. The addict returns to the drug despite the consequences. They FEED their addiction with ALL the bullshit/words/expressions that make us sick thinking about.

We want to know what the cheater and OW/OM said....what they did. We want to make sense of it. We think if we hear ALL of it....the pain will subside.

The fact is......it can be viewed as temporary insanity.

I am so sorry this happened to you and all of the people on this forum.

I do make a point of redirecting the anger at the spouse.
I made a person or two upset with this.
My intension is....to place the blame appropriately where it belongs.
Misdirected anger will have negative consequences in the relationship.

Some OW/OM are truly predators.

The fact is......we ALL know there are people out there whose morals don't match ours. It's up to our spouse/lover/companion to be committed.

Socrushed, I have to say that what Blind wrote is almost identical to my own story. Two vulnerable people leaning on each other for comfort. Started out with simple conversation and elevated to each of them fulfilling a need for each other. I do not absolve my H of any of the responsibility, nor will I absolve the OW of any either. They are equally responsible. I didnt promise to stand by her for better or worse, so I owe her nothing. Counselors will try to help you let go by telling you that the OW means nothing to you and doesnt deserve one second of your time. Its hard not to be angry at her. Maybe some day I will be able to get her out of my head, but not yet....

Nicely said Blindsided.....

One thing I've come to understand in this whole process is that I am partially to blame for my H's EA because I helped create his vulnerability.

I'm pissed at the OW only when she tries to reconnect with H and/or insert herself in our lives. I was sympathetic until she got vindictive and wouldn't take NO for an answer. Once he told her it was over and she persisted, she's 100% wrong.

Thanks for the kind words! I know it is hard for all of us to take what our spouse has said to be truthful. My H has always said that none of this was my fault. I am grateful that he never blamed me. I know so many others were told that it was something they were doing wrong "or not doing at all " that caused their spouse to stray. And I do believe that he never said an unkind word to her about me. Crazy that I can be so sure of a few things. These few things have made my heart feel a tiny bit better in this awful situation. And it is so nice to have this site to come to. I value everyones input!

well said Blind.

My H. was on, would you believe, a "self-improvement" course through the company. The OW in his discussion group "stroked his ego".

Socrushed, I apologize for adding the above. It offered no comfort or value to your situation whatsoever. I'm letting off steam.

Blindsided said it perfectly.

Well said, Blindsidedagain. That's exactly what happened with me. Job change, location change to the other side of the country, moved away from friends and family. Affair with good friend (and his co-worker). I've learned they call it a 'transitional affair.'
Some of our family history comes into play also (his family is more nuturing and mine is more...let's just say awkward.)

My heart aches for anyone who has been betrayed either emotionally or physically. The pain that we've endured coupled with the flashbacks, triggers, and other memories can be unbearable at times. My only hope is that we all grow stronger and wiser as a result of this. I am grateful for this group and each of you.

Blindside, I appreciate your post, as well. The truth hurts, but there is no way of escaping harsh reality. I think all of us betrayed have one thing in common, our self respect.

Blindsided as you usual, wise words. My H's A occurred 3 months after our 1st child was born. I was going through a hard time, adjusting to a new baby, complications w/ my c-section, hating my looks post-baby etc. It's more devastating to me the fact that he wasn't there for me when I was so down. He instead god his 'ego-stricken' and found another person to make him feel good instead of talking to me about how things had changed for him and him feeling neglected.

Northernlady, I can so related with the whole ego thing. This really made me lose respect and admiration for my husband. I always saw him as someone so confident and sure in himself that compliments and other types attention didn't phase him but after the A and him telling me that his ego was stricken and how he liked the attention made me see him as less of the man he once was to me. Even now I have a hard time not thinking he's so pathetic for this.

A's are so damaging to relationships. I really do hope it gets bett
er b/c right now it's still so hard, I sometimes just want to call it quits :(

Northernlady, I did not take any offence to your comments. Go ahead and let off steam any time! We will all listen. Emylian. I too had the same image of my H, self assured and always confident. I admired that in him because I am not that way. I always felt safe and protected when I was with him. He too liked the ego boost, but the thing is, he has had women flirt with him and as i recently found out a proposition or two thruogh the years as well. So what made this one so different? Was it a mid-life crisis, or boredom or what then?? That is the really hard thing for me. The not knowing what made him give in. I mean he has said it was an ego boost and of course lust, but this was so out of character for him! I guess this is where acceptence has to come in, because for whatever the reason. He cheated.