Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Six months ago, my husband met a woman at his work. They got along really well, and formed a decent friendship. He told me about meeting her, and she seemed likeable enough. Their friendship turned into a genuine connection. Looking back, I can't help but feel a little stupid at ignoring the signs. He would share things with me about her, and he was so....touched and emotional (which isn't his nature). He developed a sense of care and protectiveness over her. And not too long, it morphed into....love. He had an emotional affair with her, and they fell in love with each other. And I didn't see it coming.
They both confronted me about falling in love with each other back in August. And I felt like I was drowning. My heart just collapsed, and I couldn't breathe. I found out that they had kissed as well (twice altogether). Since then, it's been an awful and heartwrenching rollercoaster. She's moved out of state. My husband got rid of every single thing she ever gave him (gifts, games, pictures they took together, emails, texts, everything). We both deleted her phone number, and any calls in our phones history so that neither of us would have a way to remember how to contact her. He deleted her email address, got rid of social media so that he wouldn't be tempted to keep tabs on her (even though I do at times with my social media profiles). I'd love to say it got easier after that, but it hasn't.
I've chosen to stay with him, and he with me. Neither of us find it okay to drop everything and quit without exhausting every option first. But it hasn't been the same. My trust in him is broken. My heart is still mending, and I'm sure it's got a long road ahead of it. A part of him still loves the other woman. And I'm sure she still loves my husband. I'm trying to live with it, but I'm also trying to have hope that my husband and I can grow into something new and beautiful. Something stronger.
I just felt tired of feeling like I'm the only one in the world going through something like this. I needed to know there were others out there who understand me, and get what I'm going through.
I don't know how you sustained this, and I don't know how he could have the cojones to do such a thing. One thing I feel strongly about and that is, there's no way they just talked till 2:30 a.m. and perhaps you're too fearful of your own consequences to face the possibility of it.
"One of the last things she said to him was "How could you do this? How could you show up here? How could you do this when I want to be with you so badly?"
Read the last sentence over, this tells me they had sex, until 2:30 a.m. How does it strike you to think they may have had sex in the car that night and prior to that as well? Would you be able to handle it? I think your H knows you wouldn't be able to handle it, and because of that, he won't tell you what really happened.
Explaining how it ended, tells me how deep your husband is in this, and how unfinished the whole business of the affair is. Something more happened that night for her to blame that night and your call as the catalyst for putting a plan into action to move on without him and without him knowing. Please, what size violin shall I bring out; she's creating drama.
" I called him. And according to him, me calling him is what broke the camel's back for the other woman. He told me she was infuriated. And that she told him, "If you and your wife have problems, you need to figure it out with each other. I can't be a part of that."
Why would she say such an usual thing? Is she an idiot, or am I missing something here? It's almost as if they have both been acting like childish idiots throughout the entire affair.
I don't think he's capable of being on the same level as you, to be able to emote his true feelings. He's protecting his imaginary love affair like a trophy. I don't think he has the emotional maturity to figure out what is so wrong with what he's done, and feel authentic remorse towards you, and I'm afraid that until he does, your future with him won't be secure. You'll have to keep one eye open, and that's no way to live.
To be able to reconcile successfully, both partners have to want to reconcile the marriage, and be with one another, without any pining on the part of the CS. When a CS cannot move on, that wanton desire remains, and can shift onto someone else somewhere down the road, or re-ignite itself at the site or sound of the AP.
Be certain that everything he does, he is doing without you leading the hand, as this can be a BS's undoing, and potentially lead to a false reconciliation. Make sure he walks the talk, as actions will tell you more about his direction, than any words can.
Ideally, he should seek a therapist to help him work this out, and perhaps shake some maturity into him. A committed experience of weekly appointments for a long period of time is recommended to get any benefit from therapy. You would also benefit from being able to talk to a professional for an entire hour weekly, about how this has crushed you, because you are going to have to rebuild your self-esteem.
It seems like you've been in crisis control since D Day, and haven't taken the time to grieve what has happened to you. Being told you can't force me to love you, is not going to be easy to overcome, and without therapy you won't overcome it, no matter how many times he may say he didn't mean it or now he does love you, you will forever have doubt.
He had no idea how damaging those words are, and you will discover just how once you're able to drop your shoulders and grieve what has happened to you.
I wish you both well.
But I think you're right. I want so much for everything to be fixed and solved....I mean, to the point where I'm exhausting and killing myself emotionally and mentally to get there. Also, I'm pretty sure he will NEVER be able to comprehend what his actions have done to me. Even now, he apologizes and....gosh, it's not enough and I so wish it was. Maybe I'm afraid of grieving fully because then that makes EVERYTHING that happened.....real.
I think that because this infidelity has happened to you the way it has, slowly and right in front of your eyes, you are still riding on that wave of lunacy. You need to climb down off the surfboard and wade into shore, and take the time to grieve, so you can look at him with authenticity, but more important, to be able to look at yourself with authenticity.
I think you should decide on what's best for you first, then the relationship second.
The title to your post summed up my summer the same way. My husband was having an affair emotional-sexual--full on affair where he fell in love with the other woman, all starting at the beginning in June with some girl he worked with.
You are not alone. Here is my story if you care to read:
June 1st- he told me he kissed the other girl at work and said he had feelings for her. He told me that they had been communicating outside of work through texting and he just felt a connection with her. At this point, it wasn't love, just a connection and curiosity.
After this disclosure I asked him if he still wanted to work on our marriage, or did he want to be with this other woman, he said she didn't want to be wth her and that he would tell her that their relationship "could not go any further" because he loved his wife (me). I believed him, and I tried so hard to be better wife, lover, friend, because I felt like it was my fault. I figured I would learn to forgive him for the kiss and betrayal of him communicating with her behind my back. So I tried all summer to just be a better person and forgive him.
Throughout June, July, and August we would get in heated arguments because I would question him, since they still worked together, and he would get mad for me questioning him.
September 22- D day-- everything comes out, well mostly, he tells me that they had sex 3-4 times starting at the end of July/ August. He also tells me that he does love her. But he tells me that he wants to be with me that he does love me and that it was all a mistake. I make him call her in front of me to tell her it was over to prove to me that it was, which he did. I was in pure shock and I didn't leave him. He said all the right things to make me feel that it was all a mistake. Shortly after this heartbreaking disclosure, he has some kind of mental breakdown where he attempted suicide, because he felt so much guilt. So, since I still love him after all he put me through, I helped him during his mental breakdown and Helped him get help.
It's been 3 months, he's gotten help, because he was diagnosed with depress. She doesn't work there anymore. He's really been trying in our marriage by listening to me, being more of a husband, and just making me feel special. And we've been attending marriage counseling for a month now. However, Today was a hard day because we discuss more of the details about the affair. Because I still feel there are questions that he never fully answered or lied about. One of the questions I asked today was: "when was the first time you had sex with her?" He said it was the 2nd week of June. so all summer, right after the kiss, they were seeing each other and sneaking off during their breaks. It just hit me so hard today to hear it. I really don't know how much more pain I can take. And I'm really struggling with anger at myself for not leaving back in September, D day, when he told me he had been lying. I just feel so stupid.
I just feel like I'm back on square one. Feeling how I felt back in September.
I just wanted to share my story and show you, you are not alone. It's so hard to move on or to know what is the right thing to do. I love my husband and I appreciate that he is trying, but I don't know if I can forgive and live with feeling the way I do for the rest of my life.
The two of us have been talking about details of his affair lately. We're trying to be open, and I'll admit I want him to be open because I hate the thought of him lying to me. I mean, that's how I got here in the first place, being deceived and all. Anyway, when he's open, he is OPEN. Him being honest about physical affections with the other woman sure make me livid....but it's the way he describes how she made him feel that makes me feel like I'm dying. It's freaking awful.
Anyway, it's nice to hear you're both trying to get back on track together. I still feel like my husband and I are on shaky ground, and it's got me feeling tired/depressed. My husband asked me last night why I still stick around after everything he's put us through. I told him it's because I don't want to give up on us. If you don't mind me asking, what is it that keeps you going?
My husband just started "trying" about a month ago by trying to make me feel like he does want this marriage and is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right again. He also feels how your husband feels in that he still has feelings for this other woman and fears that he will always have them. When I think about that it makes me soooo mad that I really don't know why I am still here.
I feel the same way you do about knowing all the details. It hurts, but I feel like I just need to know. And when he tells me, I feel like all the signs were there I just didn't want to see them at the time. It really makes me feel like a complete idiot. I also feel like if I did "catch" him in the middle of it all then I would have left. I keep replaying these scenarios of where I would have left him. I sometimes wish I would have caught him in the middle of it all.
I totally understand what you mean about that awful feeling of some other woman having that affect on your husband. My husband tells me about this "connection" they had and how she "understood" him, even though they only knew each other for a couple of months and him and I have been together for 9 years!!! It's like, everything I've done for him in the past 9 years didn't even matter.
I have to admit that it is mainly my husband who is "trying". I'm still trying to understand it all. I thought I had accepted it, but with new things coming up about the affair, it's like I'm back to trying to accept it again.
I also feel tired and depressed. The other day when I wrote you I was having a horrible depressing day, today is a little better. But I always have this cloud over me. And I feel like all the hopes and dreams I had for my marriage and my life are completely shattered and I don't know how to pick up those pieces. I hate seeing our wedding photos around the house, I hate see old photos or memories that pop up on Facebook, it even annoys me when I see other "happy" couples. I feel like our marriage will forever be tarnished and it only just began (side note-- we've only been married for a year, so he was having this affair during our one year anniversary).
I guess what keeps me going is that people make mistakes. He seems truly sorry for what happened and keeps telling me that he got "lost" and became someone he never thought he would be. I guess in a weird way I trust that he just lost his way and it's not who he really is, so I should give him another chance? But honestly, I'm still in the middle of my decision if this is the life I want. I was thinking of giving myself a year. If I feel exactly the same way I feel now, then maybe it is best that I move on from him. I don't want the years to pass me by still feeling the way I do. But I don't know, maybe I shouldn't give myself a pressured time limit.
I'm still so lost. Obviously.
If you have only been together for a year, and he's had an affair already, and says he still has feelings for his AP, you'd be stupid to stick around and accept his lies as remorse.
You describe a lot of triggers, and without removing every single one of them, you won't be able to heal from your grief or have any chance at recovery. His excuses of getting lost and becoming someone he never thought he would be, is pure bullshit; it's exactly who he is and exactly what you will have to deal with in the future.