I'm not married but I've been cheated on. It is an awful feeling. I hope you and your husband can work things out.

Thank you, LillyGabriel. I hope so too =( It's so freaking wretched! I mean, healing from all of it, I know it'll take time. But a day feels like an eternity. I feel so uncertain about the future, and I'm not used to feeling that way with my husband. It's scary.

I'm so sorry about your situation. Did your significant other fall in love with the person he cheated with as well?

I'm sorry to hear of your hurt. Our situations sound very similar.
The one thing that has stopped any progress for our healing is that he was not fully disclosing everything. So the lies continued.
I asked for full disclosure and he said that it was only kissing between them. I gave him so many opportunities to be honest so we could build from there. No matter how much it hurt me to know the whole truth.
Only now, a month later did I get the worst bombshell. He finally disclosed that it had turned sexual. They call this, the trickle truth. Only a little bit at a time coming out. The lies had continued. I'm lost on how to ever trust again.

I know he says it was out of his desire to not hurt me more. This may be true, but now I see no light.

Be prepared if more truths come out in your future. He may not want to hurt you more.

Try to keep your heart open to if this changes anything, or is your heart still clear.

Good thoughts to your broken heart!

No Trust and E-chord, I'm sorry to read of your situations. Yes, that dreaded trickle truth, that's why I'm of the school of striking while the iron is still hot after D day.

First thing E-chord, and I realize this is redundant and you already feel stupid about it, but it needs to be said: Never allow a husband to get cozy with a female anything other than his sister or mother. This rule should be put into effect immediately, if it isn't already. Are you feeling triggers over anything in particular, and is he home with you when not at work? You haven't disclosed how D Day occurred.

If they met six months ago, being June and professed their love in August, I think it was more adoration and infatuation than love. Cheating partners romanticize their affairs by calling it love, it gives them that extra rush when having sex. I mean who wouldn't want the free upgrade in the heat of passion. I often associate many cheating partners to Twin Flames, who grow rapidly together, but due to the primordial nature of fire, one consumes the other; and this is why express, illicit relationships don't work.

I wouldn't fear that he'll pine over her, and her him forever more, because that will surely see you to the insanity ward. Fear if he hasn't evolved enough to figure out that it wasn't love, and be concerned if he can't get passed it. If he has only now just told you that they were physical, I can guarantee you that they have had sex numerous times, but he's not comfortable with telling you. As the truth trickles, he will say it's because he wants to protect you, but this is bullshit and the first chapter in the Cheaters Handbook. He is protecting himself because he believes that if you were to know, you won't forgive him and seek separation, so he's playing it cool, and in damage control.

There are many BS that have reconciled successfully on this site, but there are things that must be done and maintained in order for it to work, and I hope you realize that it's whatever you need from him to feel safe, so you can start to heal, and eventually get around to pondering trust.

jesf47, I did have a time where I would check his phone and his email when left open. You can probably imagine how my anxiety shot through the roof any time he got a text. Seeing that it wasn't her on her phone, or in the email, felt like a huge relief. But the peace of mind would never last. And I could feel myself getting slightly obsessed with checking it. But I reached a point where I couldn't live like that anymore. So, I don't think hacking and spying is for me.

No_Trust, I'm so, so sorry for your situation. I've never heard the term "trickle truth" before. And I can see why they call it that, and how painful it must be. My husband and I have reached the point where we just lay everything out. He hasn't held back about the affair and I haven't held back on my feelings about everything. For a long time, I wasn't sure if I could handle everything he was telling me, especially in regards to his feelings for the other woman. It freaking killed me to know he felt so strongly about a woman when I used to be the only one. It still kind of does. As far as my heart goes, I think it's still open....but it feels tired too.

Lenoire, don't be afraid of sounding redundant. But you're right. I knew it felt weird, but I never addressed it with my husband, and it's obvious I should've before anything grew. Not that I'm blaming myself for his choices, but I am aware that I should've spoken up from the get-go. Is D-Day the day I found out he was cheating? By the way, I truly appreciate that second paragraph. It makes so much sense! It's a great piece of information to have, especially while I'm still working on things with him. I'll definitely try my best to be wary of his evolving to recognize the truth. He's afraid he won't ever let go of her in his heart. Does that mean the battle is already lost if he, himself, doesn't think he can get over her??

Lastly, he didn't JUST tell me they had kissed. He told me a good while ago. And if they had had sex, I really don't think I would still be here trying to make things work.

D day means discovery day.

So many of us here, have said the very thing you say now, only to discover down the trickle truth path, that our CS's did have sex with them, numerous times, and vehemently denied it, numerous times. Cheaters only admit to what they've been caught with. When there's no evidence to force upon them, they'll throw you a tiny bone, and make you think they were honorable and stopped after two kisses. It's all bullshit, and the reason CS's don't tell, is displayed right here in how you say you wouldn't stick around if they had sex. He knows this, therefore mum's the word.

You haven't told us how it went from them coming to you, to profess their love for one another in August, to her suddenly moving out of state, with all evidence of her existence, burned in the fire. What happened here? Why did they come to you to profess their love and what was their demise? What were they hoping to achieve and what failed? There's a massive chunk of this puzzle missing.

The love word comes out during sex, in passionate affairs, not staring into each others' eyes over a banana shake. If he has admitted to kissing, they more than likely had sex. I'm not sure you know everything that went on between them yet, and if he's still lovesick, I think there's more here, and perhaps this is what is triggering you.

Lenoire, D-Day occured after my husband attempted to kiss the other woman before leaving work. She dodged the kiss, and she was the one who urged him (and herself) to come clean about the feelings they had developed for each other. Their friendship at work continued through keeping in touch on social media and texting one another often. I mean, it was constant. A lot of it, I was unaware of. It was kind of like he and she created this friendship and got really close, but to make it okay they tried to squeeze me in there and include me too. "Hey, if the three of us are friends, it doesn't feel wrong, guys!" But I could never catch up. I could never get their jokes, and I became the outsider in my own marriage. How jacked up is that? Anyway, they got closer, she addressed him by asking what "this" was, my husband tried to kiss her, she stopped him and said they had to tell me. Thus, leading to the worst day of my life.

When they told me, I felt like I was suffocating. I mean, it was HORRIBLE. Tears and anger, and I just felt like I was dying where I stood. He told me he loved her....like he loves me. And I told him, "You're a freaking idiot if you think I'm gonna let this twisted thing be my life!!"

Following that day, they still kept in touch. They saw each other at work all the time (I mean, they literally sat four feet away from each other). And it reached a point where they just....didn't wanna fight their feelings anymore. So, they were talking one night after work in the parking lot, in her car. And they gave in. Thus, the first kiss. He came home late that night, and I remember asking him if there was something he wanted to tell me. And all he said was "Not tonight." I got it out of him the next day.

I'm sorry, I don't think I'm doing such a great job at sharing things chronologically! It'a sll kind of spilling out of me as I type.

Thank you for clarifying, it makes your situation easier to understand, and you are explaining it perfectly well. How did it lead to her leaving so suddenly and all trace of her being eradicated?

I'm glad to hear you had the strength and volition to shut it down. I don't know what or how they were expecting you to react. Did he ever mention this, what they could possibly think the outcome might be?

People do "fall in love" during strictly EAs, but I also agree with Lenoire that many CS claim it was an EA rather than a PA because news of a PA is generally taken so much worse by the BS.

Lenoire, they were still bumping into each other at work. Trying to avoid each other, and sucking at it. She even moved to a different work desk, completely out of the zone where he is every day. He would come home telling me how much he wanted to see her. Even if he could just peek in and look at her at her desk. Even if she didn't see him. I swear, it was like watching my husband go through a freaking breakup. It killed me to see him just....lovesick over this person he hardly knew! Even now, it makes my stomach churn. Anyway, later down the road (I can't remember specifics...maybe late October/Early November), she was putting on a play. It was closing night, and he knew it. And he just had this....surge/ache to go see her. Talk to her and be with her. And I told him I would physically fight him if it meant keeping him from going. Crazy, I know. But I might've been desperate. I even wrestled him, which started out as playing around but, for me, it turned into something heated. After we exhausted ourselves, he said, "You can't make me love you. You can't will me to love you."

I was so quiet. Tears streaming down my face. Because he was right. All of the things I had been doing up to that point were led by a desire of controlling his feelings. And I wanted control because I had absolutely none whatsoever! It was almost midnight, and I told him to go. And he did. He asked me why, and I said because it's your choice. So he left. They talked for about 2-3 hours, and you can imagine how out of sorts I was. Wondering if he'd come back. Wondering what they were doing. I think it was about 2:30 AM (maybe 3) and I just couldn't take it anymore. I called him. And according to him, me calling him is what broke the camel's back for the other woman.

He told me she was infuriated. And that she told him, "If you and your wife have problems, you need to figure it out with each other. I can't be a part of that."

One of the last things she said to him was "How could you do this? How could you show up here? How could you do this when I want to be with you so badly?"
Needless to say, my husband had given her all of the power. And I had none of it. He came home that night. I don't know how he expected it to go. I think he's an idiot if he thought it would go well.

They no longer spoke to each other at work after that. Avoided each other like the plague. There were times he'd pick up shifts for her, which I told him to put a stop to because that's still considered doing things for her. The week before Thanksgiving, he found out she was moving from a co-worker. She had informed him herself later, and said that the night of the play is what put that in motion for her. She had been wanting to move forward with some plans/ambitions she's had for a while. And the night he went to her play (and my phone call) propelled that plan forward. So now she's gone. Well, physically, anyway.

Before she left, my husband and I came up with the plan to get rid of everything together. He had things at work, and even here in our home from her. He gathered books, emails, photos, a google Doc they had shared. Everything. There were even gifts she gave me (when the 3 of us attempted to be friends) that I saw to the garbage can really quick. He had an entire box of stuff. And he gave it to her (which I'm regretting, and wishing I had just taken a match and burned it all). She deleted his number. We deleted hers. There's no physical trace of hers. He doesn't have social media, and I'm trying VERY hard not to keep tabs on her. I think I do it because I'm scared she'll come back one day. And my husband....even though she's gone physically....still has feelings.

Oh, and about the outcome, I'm pretty sure they weren't stupid enough to think things would continue after they told me. But they did. And that's where my stupidity comes in.

gravinggirl, I'm aware, more than ever, that the cheating spouse is capable of lying, and keeping entire truths from us. Heck, I found things out yesterday (regarding conversations he had with the other woman earlier in the affair) that I was never informed of. I don't doubt that there are still details my husband hasn't shared with me. But I know for a fact....even though he did share physical affections with her....he didn't have sex with her. The image of the man I thought I knew may a bit warped, to say the least. But I like to think I still know him, and that he respects me enough to not drag this marriage out by keeping a vital detail from me like having sex with a woman who's not me.

e-chord, my ex was a serial cheater. I just lost feelings for him because I couldn't trust him and ended up leaving him. It still hurt. I got half truths also.

I knew a woman who's husband was pulled over by the cops for a DUI... with a naked woman in his car. He swore he hadn't touched her! The wife ended up leaving him. He had been a serial cheater too but never admitted to anything. She found out through "friends".

No one but your husband and this other woman know exactly what happened but my guess is, it probably went further than a mere kiss. Online affair partners can grow feelings for each other without consummating them, for obvious reasons, but your husband was in her company more often than he was yours so there was enormous temptation, and the means to act on it right there within his grasp. They also continued their affair after telling you, which leads me to believe that neither cared too much for your feelings so there was no respect for you at all. I think her leaving may be for totally different reasons than you've been lead to believe. Or, she could be the one who wanted to end things and not him. Only they know. Whatever the reason, I agree with the other posters that you're probably not getting the truth. He was untruthful enough to cheat. Why would he suddenly grow a conscience now and choose to be noble? That would take respect for you and he certainly didn't have that when he did what he did.

I'm sorry your Christmas is weighted down with this heartbreaking situation. I hope you are able to find some joy somewhere and possibly work things out if you choose. And remember, every one of us could be wrong. All we know are the few words you've written. Whatever happens, I wish you peace.

LillyGabriel, I understand. And trust me when I say I take absolutely no offense to the thoughts and advice that you all have given me. This platform is the first time I've spoken about it at all, with the exception of a therapist and my church leader. Believe me, that in and of itself is a HUGE weight lifted off of my shoulders. I thought I could keep it inside myself, and be okay just talking to professionals about it. But I needed more, and I'm getting it!

I know only typing so much on a post is merely pieces to the story for all of you. I guess I'm still recollecting what I've been trying to suppress from all of this, thus the "spilling out as I type". And you guys may be right. You may be wrong. But I'm sure as heck not going to rule anything out at this point. I appreciate the feedback very much. Brutal as it may be, but I'm sure we've all had our share of brutal thanks to infidelity.

By the way, I'm sorry for that lousy ex of yours. No one deserves to be treated as such, especially when your biggest crime was loving him! I think my feelings for my husband might be getting buried under all of this. And that's so....foreign to me because, once upon a time, I knew I could love him forever and ever! And I believed he could too. But then this happened, and now I'm not so sure of anything anymore. Not like I used to be.

I think it's better not to talk about it to those who know us and are closest for obvious reasons but sometimes we just have to get it out. This is a good place to do it. Sadly, too many are going through the same thing. It's wonderful that you believe in God and I hope you're trusting in Him to work things out for you. It is so painful to be betrayed by one so close to us.

I'm well over that incident and I wish him well. You take of yourself and I hope you have a Merry Christmas!