It may take a while before you can say it to him again. Give yourself time. If there are things on your mind you should talk to him about them. Tell him whats bothering you. It helps to get it out. He should understand. You will know when you are ready to end the marriage.

Tell him how you feel. Don't blind side him a year from now. I think loss of communication and attempting to keep the peace leads to major issues in marriage.

When we are faking it up for the sake of keeping peace we put distance in our marriage. No real rebuilding can come of distance and stuffing feelings.

Who and what are you benefitting by pretending to be ok saying something as important as I love you. If you want honesty from him then he needs it from you as well.

'For those who are divorced...'

That would be me. Cuz I reached 'done' and 'done' is hard to describe but I was sooo damned 'done.' I didn't care about hurting him or pacifying him or anything. I didn't care how much we lost in the divorce. I wanted him shed from me like a snake sheds bad skin.

I was 'done.' Period.

When you reach done, if you reach done, you will know. Beyond a doubt. You won't ask if you are there, or if you have a right to be there. You will sing it loud and clear.

Do your best this month, just do your best.

L~

ditto what pony said. Communicating something that may be uncomfortable for him to hear is better than NOT communicating at all. When we don't share feelings, it leaves things open for suggestion and assumption.

How did I know divorce was the "right" thing for me to do? Hmmm...not until about a year and a half after the divorce was final and I was finally at a point where I felt happy with myself and where I was going in life. I filed for divorce and went through with it when I did because it was the ONLY thing I could do at the time. Right or wrong, you just can't live with someone you don't feel comfortable with and you sure as hell can't share your life with someone who doesn't reflect all the good things you feel about yourself.

Your just afraid to trust him enough to say I love you. It,s really putting yourself in a vulnerable position to possibly be hurt again. That,s the fear. It,s ok to love someone but you just can,t stand the sight of them. You just hate him for what he did. It,s normal. Tell him how you feel, it,s ok for him to feel some of the pain that you are experiencing, because of him.
Just watch,listen and verify if you need to in order to figure out whether he is sincere or not. A lot of cheaters won,t try this hard so maybe he has learned his lesson.

Almost divorced. He left when he got caught, but I filed when I needed support and for logistics to be dealt with.

It was the biggest favor he could have done for me. I think it depends on a few things. How was the marriage before the A? If the CS is doing everything possible to repair the damage and restore trust. I'm not a disbeliever in R, but I am very skeptical. Simply because I know I could never do it! Bless those than can. I wish them all the best.

My marriage sucked. Big time. But I was too scared and too weak to do anything about it. I often thought, I wish he would just cheat on me (stupid wish I know...little did I know how much pain it would cause). I wanted a good excuse to leave him. Yet when it came down to it, I still would have tried R. I would never have succeeded.

I am happier than I have ever been. He is wallowing in the misery he created for himself. I do not wish ( a lot) of harm for him, I just think it's fitting he feel some of the pain and consequences.

So, although it's hard to think divorce is the right thing when you are in the midst of it, it will always get better.

One time, I must have been discussing my situation or something related with my sister and her boyfriend when her boyfriend said something that has stuck with me ever since. His grandparents were married for a LONG time, don't remember how many years, but a lot. I don't really remember how the story went to be honest, but I guess he must have been talking to her about how long they'd been married and how they managed to stay together. She apparently said that there had been a period of about 5 years when she couldn't stand his grandpa, but eventually it all came back around. I thought to myself, "Wow, FIVE years." Somehow that brought me comfort.

"I'm not saying that I do not love my H, but what does it mean when I don't want to say those words to him?"

I think it means that you just don't feel very loving, and I think sometimes that's okay. I am a little over 2 years since my H came home to rebuild our marriage and there are times when I don't want to say I love you, either. But at this point, I don't know whether it has so much to do with the A or whether I just don't like him so much at a particular time (LOL). At first it really bothered me when I didn't feel like saying it back, but it doesn't so much anymore. It is what it is.

"I can't believe I still have so many questions and so much fear this long after Dday. { about 19 months}"

The whole first two years for me were tough. In fact, I wrote a journal just recently lamenting that I wondered if the roller coaster lasts the rest of our lives. It's a slow and difficult process moving beyond where we started, but I figure when you are reduced to dust, is there really any wonder? And slowly, I am learning how to let go of questions I will never have the answers to, and my fear has been replaced with the knowledge that I only have control over myself and I can't prevent anyone from doing anything, including my H. I think I've finally taken that load off my shoulders and put it on his, because that's where it really belongs. No matter what, I will be okay.

"....should I tell him I can't say the words " I love you" to him? Or just keep saying it back whenever he says it."

Communicating is usually the best advice, but I admit that I usually say it back even when I don't feel it and I haven't told him I can't say it. Because, IMO, if you do feel love on some level somewhere, it's not lying. I do love my H, even if I don't always like him very much ;) I kinda operate with the thought that maybe I will feel differently tomorrow. And I usually do.

"What if i really can't get over this? Will I know, or will I stay in my marriage because i've been with him since I was 18 years old?"

I will be honest and say my love for my H was not the primary reason I chose to rebuild our marriage. My children were probably #1, followed closely by my faith and my beliefs in the indissolubility of marriage. But I think the pain we still feel even after a long time is a sign of the love we do have for our spouses, because people we don't care about can't hurt us THAT much. The saying is that the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. If you didn't care about hurting his feelings or what this meant for your marriage, then I would be concerned.

"Just some of the things that go through my mind. I don't want to get him a really mushy card for Valentines day or our anniversary if I'm not really feeling it."

Then don't. It took a LONG time for me to be able to pick out any kind of mushy card for my H. Instead, I chose funny ones or ones that didn't go on about what a perfect husband he was and how my love had grown for him. Gag. I think it was last Valentine's Day when I got him one that talked about him being a great dad and the kids looking up to him, which was true. It wasn't until his birthday last October, so almost 2 years since he'd come home, that I got him a card that was more like the ones I used to buy without having to agonize over it. He had apparently recognized that (I always assume he doesn't think about these things) because he told me how much he appreciated it and said he teared up when he read it.

Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. So sometimes if we act in more loving ways, the feeling follows. There are many things your H and you can do for one another to try to rebuild those loving feelings.

thanks everyone for you replies. I do feel better after reading them. This is such a difficult thing to adjust to. The one person who you love and trust with your heart can hurt you so badly.

I know my H is sincere in his remorse. But I am human and my anger and hurt come into play as I try to accept what he did. And you are right, if I didn't love him, I wouldn't care at all if I hurt his feelings or if he felt bad. But I do care.

This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Thank you all for being there and making me feel that I am not alone. Hugs to you all!

I just re-read and realized it seems like I was advocating for divorce. I'm not. I do understand why people opt for rebuilding. I think sometimes I offer that side of the coin to say "yes, it's scary....but can be done". However, I was not offered the choice. I can imagine how difficult it would be to make that choice.

I think Natty nailed it and was perhaps a better response in that she understands exactly how you feel as a rebuilder.