You really need to open the lines of communication. You need to have a rule in place that says that the other person will listen to what the other says without judgement and without getting defensive. Try no using the words "you always" but instead discuss how it makes you feel if he doesn't value your feelings, for example... You need to do this in a calm and rational manner and maybe some individual counselling to help you get over the feelings of " I feel like I might as well go out and have an affair...since he is accusing me of it anyways." Remember two wrongs don't make a right and if you value you relationship at all you won't fall into that trap.

My husband gave me the same kind of entitlement bullshit for the first few years of our marriage. That was the beginning of tearing down my self esteem, that implication that sex was all I was good for. That was a sense I had worked hard to get over in counselling; when I was young I thought that if a man wanted to have sex with me it meant that he loved me and would stay. It didn't.

I fought hard to stand my ground, that I was worth more than that and, after about 5 years and finally telling him that I felt like I was being raped, I got through and he stopped demanding. But, in the meanwhile, he had fallen into other controlling habits, believing that I was withholding sex to control him, so he took control wherever else he could find it.

Eventually I cheated. It almost ended our marriage and destroyed what was left of my self esteem. It's been a long, hard road to rebuild.

Last year I found a book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship http://www.amazon.ca/dp/B004GUS7OG and, for the first time in 15 years, I felt heard, visible and understood.

He believed that he couldn't be abusing me if he didn't call me names or hit me. That's so far from the truth. Most of this book read like pages out of our life together and he finally started to wake up. We still struggle but at least I have something to go back to and say 'look, remember what the book said? Do you see that you're doing it again?'

I don't know if your H would get to that place, of wanting to participate in healing your marriage. The control may be more important to him. If that's the case then at least this book will help you to see clearly all the ways that he's been messing with you, most like more than just the sexual issue. Maybe this gives you the tools to run like hell before the next guy takes you through hell and back.

Be kind to yourself. You've made poor choices and you have to own that, but you've also been through a lot and you deserve to be safe. I hope you succeed in creating that safety for yourself.

Well, he can say he isn't willing to go to counseling. And, if he isn't willing to learn what is wrong in the relationship, what do you really "have" to work with. Cheating is not the answer. But, divorce may well be if he continues with refusal to address the issues. You may well bring a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

And how about you? Have you sought a counselor? Have you made an appointment for yourself with a doctor?

It is so sad that you have to go through this. One thing that is clear is that you are not connecting to each other, which why he doesn't understand why you don't have much interest in sex. Most men between certain age tend to have a high sex drive more so than women. Often times they can be selfish about it, but they can be helped. He probably fits that category. This can be worked out but you have to seek to better communicate and understand the needs and the desires of each other.. You have to find a way to help him to understand what is happening to you. In addition to sex there must be some other way you can get his attention (please not when you are upset). When you get his attention then try and explain what is happening to you try and come up with a solution that will meet your desire and his as well. Good Luck

http://getmarriageadvice.net/

Talk is cheap. I think because your husband is angry, and he has been controlling, he doesn't truly believe you will actually divorce him. So if I were you, I would get going on those divorce papers and maybe if you actually hand it to him, will he wake up and decide to go for counciling. However if you give him the divorce papers and he just happily signs it, then you know that he was never going to do anything to create a better marriage, so you basically ended a whole bunch of years of pain and suffering. Good luck to you and my prayers go out to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this.