You both need to talk about what you want out of your marriage.

Ask him if he thinks you are living in the shadow of his ex. Explain to
him why you feel that way.

Isn't your marriage a relationship? Sounds like it is more of a hook up.

Maybe some sessions with a counselor would be helpful.

You said: "Yes my husband and i both had emotional affairs....mine lasted longer than his, but mine was caused by his lack of emotion towards me and only wanting sex all the time."

This is part of why you two are having trouble. Your are blaming and not communication.

He did not cause your affair, and you did not cause his. His behavior caused your marital problems. Your behavior caused your marital problems. His first wife's decision to cheat was caused by her internal problems, not your husband. Your choice to cheat was caused by internal issues and problems, not your husbands behavior. His desire to have an emotional affair first, even if it was shorter, was caused by his internal problems and issue, not you.

Once you get this down you can then really start to work on your marriage, versus all this his fault, my fault, mine was longer but he caused it stuff that just keeps you apart.

"It makes me wanna just go out and find the first person that will show me some emotion and attention and just make his accusations come true!"

You can do that, but it will just prove that he was right not to trust you. And honestly - it sounds like you've already done it by having an emotional affair.

You guys are both going to have to grow up if you want this marriage to work.

Time for marriage counseling!
Maybe try Imago therapy.
http://www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com/

What Goingtobeok said. His lack of displaying love to you will not get fixed by finding it somewhere else. He is not responsible for how you chose to address the problem. Likewise, you didn't force him to deal with his perceived lack of love from you by cheating. He made that decision, and owns it. Until you both own your own actions and decisions, you'll never focus on how to change yourself to avoid that destructive path because you'll always be focused on what you can't control, each other.

But this sounds like a case where "His Needs, Her Needs" book would help. You probably both love one another, but you are assuming he feels love like you do, and he thinks you experience love like he does. For a lot of men, not getting sex does make them feel unloved (though most don't expect it everyday). It is his way of connecting emotionally with you, and doesn't get why you wouldn't feel the same way. (I've been there, done that.)

Part of the way to heal your marital issues is to learn how to say, "I love you" in the romantic language the other understands. That book can help you work through that, and improve your marriage.

Agree with going. You said you had an emotional A. So therefor you did cheat. I'm not sure if he was "the first person" to show you emotion and attention but he must have shown you some for you to be willing to have an emotion A with him.

Bouncing back and fourth in the blame game won't fix anything. You might as well smash your heads into walls and blame the other for the bumps. There are underlying issues that need to be dealt with and counseling is a great starting point.

Well, since neither of you have gone the gauntlet yet, it sounds like you need a good marriage couselor. He needs to know what feels loving to you. And, you need to understand what feels loving to him. Running off and jumping from the pan into the fire can only make things worse, never better.

I appreciate all your advice and agree with alot of it...i just wish that someone could understand how i feel...For the past couple years i have been having physical issues...i hardly have any sex drive and my husbands is out the roof...I dont feel like having sex as much as he does, sometimes its even painful, and he doesnt care...I need him to be there for me and tell me that its okay sometimes when im "not in the mood" or when it hurts...im not trying to blame him for what he did, but the truth is he blamed me for what i did..actually said that i was the reason he did what he did, because i was "holding sex from him"...that is not what im doing...its completely health related with me...but i do need the emotion that hes not giving me and that is what caused my emotional A.....He pushes me away...i have tried talking to him about what we both need to do to help our relationship work and most of the time his response to any of my suggestions is just "whatever"! I dont know what to do anymore, but i do know that im not all to blame for what is going on...Ive suggested counseling...he doesnt want to go that route either..only says "what good is that going to do"??? A relationship cannot work when only one person is trying..and i feel like i am trying..it was stupid of me to say that i should just find the first person that shows me some attention and make his accusations come true, when in fact i know that i would not do that, but sometimes when you have had enuf you have just had enuf!!

I'd not suggest counseling- I'd mandate it. Tell him you're going with or without him. If he goes, it's how to save the marriage. If he refuses, it's to figure out what to do that's best for you.

If you are having physical issues that's making sex for you impossible and he still finds fault with your for it and you give it to him even though you don't want to and it hurts, hun, that's abuse.

Now your talking. His blaming you is wrong too!

I agree, mandate counseling. Tell him counseling or divorce.

Counseling or a sex therapist, who will likely recommend counseling too. Also, a book called 7 weeks to better sex. Yall read it together.

Dude has some stuff to learn about foreplay.

Good luck, but remember when it gets bad enough you want to cheat its time to leave.

Thank you guys so much for seeing my point...maybe i didnt explain everything plain enuf in my initial post...i hope that things are going to get better..if it doesnt stop i will definitely demand counseling and or a sex therapist...Thanks for the support...Hope you all have a great day!!

Also thanks for the book recommendation "going"..im gonna try and find that... :)

There are 2 seperated issues here. The starter is the sex between the two of you. I can relate to some of that. My sex drive has never matched my husbands. He has a much higher drive. He was insensitive about my low drive and I was insensitive about his high drive.

We eventually manage to push eachother away. We didn't know how to relate. He was of the old school mindset that I owed it to him as his wife. I was of the mindset to love me not just when your "gettin some".

You both chose to cheat because of how the sex within your marriage made each of you feel. But again it was a choice you both made to fill a void. Not a good path and that too needs to be dealt with. I don't think it can be until you both find a common ground and understand the others sexual drive. There needs to be some kind of middle ground where both partners are satisfied. Ways of engaging in sexual behavior that doesn't cause pain like oral or masturbation together. And there needs to be an understanding on his end that he needs to respect your sex drive is lower

If your drive is abnormally low like almost non existent then I would also reccomend a doctor for you to make sure your not having hormonal imbalance.

Let him know that a counselor is ther to help you both hear and understand the others needs and help you find a way to be together and happy. They are not fix alls. The good ones have a way of making you see things through a different lense sometimes.

Sending you support, Anxious.

Wow, this is pretty huge. For anyone to require another person to have sex, whether they want to or not, to prove anything at any time, is controlling and even abusive, in my view. To require sex even when you are hurting, well, that is just cruel.

For him to not want to go to counseling to address issues, but rather, be more than happy to have you live with his ex's mistakes, accuse you of cheating, blame his affair on you for withholding sex, just keeps one unhealthy relationship alive and kicking, doesn't it? Most times, the most unhealthy people refuse counseling all together, cuz they just like having this kind of bullshit game playing going on in your head. In other words, doesn't it make his life easier when he can mess with your head, unchecked, rather than find some good constructive criticism/tools in order for him to be a better husband?

Really, I would be requiring counseling also. This is kinda unhealthy/abusive. If he refuses? all he would be saying to me, in his refusal for counseling, would be 'I would rather perpetual this shitty situation and be able to mess with your mind, and have a crap marriage, and keep myself happy than to be married well and have you happy...' and that? Well, I would pass on that.

It's alright for you to set some boundaries up for yourself and your peace of mind.

Go out and find someone to make all of his predictions come true? Anxious, there is no way in hell I would give him the satisfaction, or make myself lower my own self esteem, over his own insecurities. I would not advise you to do that either.

Counseling or he can hit the bricks...L~

Well we just had another argument and i told him that we needed counseling or that we needed a divorce, but not to say that he wanted a divorce unless he meant it...he told me that he WAS NOT going to counseling, so go file the papers...so i guess thats the end of this relationship...my 3rd failed one and i can guarantee that there will not be another man in my life to disappoint me and my children ever again..i will be perfectly happy single and taking care of myself and my children..i wont be treated like a whore in my own home and by my own husband who is supposed to love and cherish me, not treat me like shit every chance he gets or everytime i dont give it up when he thinks i should...thanks for all the advice and i'll be sure to let you guys know the outcome altho i think im pretty sure that i already know it....have a good night to you all...