Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Cali123 08/19/2008

Well, I got a message today from OW's H, asking me to call him because he had something for me. So, freaking out, I called him. He dropped the bomb on me. He said that the two of them (My H and OW) have not stopped the affair and have continued to email and communicate for the past 8 months. He even sent me the most recent email, from yesterday. I am completely sickened by it!

It started out with him apologizing to her for her previous argument with her husband, which was because he thought the 2 were still communicating. Then he goes on to say "Yikes. Let me know if I'm emailing you too much. I don't want you to have it hard. I went through all this at home the other week when you were in Honduras. Not really fun stuff." Then: "Speaking of,
I always hate when(my wife) asks me if I've communicated with you, because I never know exactly what she knows from (your H). Part of me just wants to say yeah, so what, every now and then we email.no biggie, who cares- we are friends and have friends in common. Of course, if I say that and that gets back to (your H), he will go into freak out mode on everyone, but doing a bunch of lying isn't my favorite activity either.

We (my wife and I) haven't really talked about this in a couple weeks, but it will come up eventually. I guess I'll just say whatever you want me to say (which I'm sure is that we don't communicate at all) and hope (your H) doesn't get into your stuff like all the other times. You should tell me what you tell him, so I can say the same to (my wife) I guess. Blah! No fun.

Anyway sorry for the downer note! I really don't feel down (smile), hope you're having a great day..um, do ya wanna hang out with me later for a little bit? I know I do.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him when I found about the A in March that he only gets one second chance. What now?

I am really disgusted by him right now! UGH! How could I have been so freakin' blind!

Cali123 08/19/2008

OH, and here is her initial email to him:

"Sorry I'm just now getting back to ya. [my H] and I got into it last night and were up all night going back and forth, didn't sleep much, and I was late for class this morning blahblah....He hasn't found anything like anymore emails or anything he's just "convinced" that you and I are still communicating. I know that he thinks about it all the time and it pretty much consumes his thought process right now. He knows me very well and picks up on things and I guess can just sense that I care for you a lot. Well enough of that. Sorry to bother you with it..."

at the end: "Lots of studying to do! Gotta run!! I'll be thinking about ya.

Kissssses for you!

deleted_user 08/19/2008

OH MY GOD!!! NOT OKAY!!! I cannot believe he is doing this to you. What an asshole! He obviously does not know how to be a husband. He is being loyal to the OW?!? You need to do whatever you feel is best, but if it were me... BYE BYE.

Cali123 08/19/2008

I completely agree - he is a total asshole! Then he has the nerve to ask her to "hang out with him" in a few weeks. I'm sick to my stomach.

She also told him that he' s awesome. I'm sorry, but how can you think someone who willingly does this to his wife is awesome?

Then, the last time he was in her area (they live across the country from each other) they saw each other! This is when the OW's H and I were sure they didn't. But they did meet up. Behind a CHURCH! A CHURCH no less! What were they thinking? If God didn't strike them down, then everything was ok? Seriously!

deleted_user 08/19/2008

Oh Cali, I don't know what to say to you! That is such a painful interaction to read, especially when you thought you and H were working things out. It looks like your idea of working things out and H's are two different tbings. I feel for you!

Hugs
suzym

deleted_user 08/19/2008

OH, god, this must be so dreadful for you. I can relate to these emails and it's gutwrenching.
What IS his idea of working things out, anyway? I mean, what did you agree on?
And I'm sorry for asking this, but, why do these two people even want to stay married? Who does something like this?!!!!

deleted_user 08/19/2008

I went through something similar but didn't find out it had gone on until months later when things had fizzled out. If I had known what was going on when it was happening I would have packed his stuff while he was gone and put it outside. Then when he came home I would have thrown the email in his face and kicked his ass to the curb. I wouldn't have taken his calls or dealt with him in any way. The next day I would have filed for a legal separation.

I have gone over this in my mind - can you tell ;-)

My heart goes out to you, but it sounds like he needs to go bye bye - at least until he gets his priorities straight.

deleted_user 08/20/2008

Wow this is awful. I too wonder why these two stay married are they getting some sick pleasure out of sneaking around.

Your h may just need to face reality, kick him out and see if he comes down to earth.

deleted_user 08/20/2008

How evil these two are astounds me. Cold calculating no thought for their spouses feelings, or respect for that matter!! You gave him his second chance. If he kept on lieing hes not gonna change...I think you know what you need to do girl!!!

deleted_user 08/20/2008

Cali you told him only one second chance. If you don't throw him out he will see this as a sign of you will tolerate this behavior. It may be very painful to show him the door but how much more of that crap are you willing to take. That stuff he wrote to her is disgusting. He's more worried about her than what this doing to you and your marriage. I'm so sorry you're being treated this way. I think deep down you know what you need to do.

deleted_user 08/20/2008

I agree. If you don't kick him out, he's going to think he can do this forever. I think you have to take action. Thank goodness her H let you know what was going on.

I know you're just feeling sick. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

Stay strong!!! You deserve better!!! HUGS!

Cali123 08/20/2008

Thanks everyone. I know he needs to go - it's just not a good time financially for that to happen. this is why I feel so stuck. I hate this! I just want to be finished with him. I know he doesn't deserve me. No matter what he says about me.

he is a cold, calculating, lying, manipulative jerk! To think that he had previously told me that this woman's H was trying to get at him and ruin him, and he told me that I have to tell him each time I get contacted by this man. Screw you! You're caught now, and there is no way you can weasel yourself out of this one.

It makes it that much worse that it is obvious where his loyalty is - with her! I can't stand it. I have to go in to a meeting now. Wish me luck concentrating. Boooo!

deleted_user 08/20/2008

The finances will work out. The details always work out. We tend to use that kind of stuff to avoid moving forward.

My advice, for what it is worth and acknowledging that you didn't ask for any, is to see an attorney and find out what you can do to protect yourself financially while simultaneously moving towards getting him out of your life.

This man is no good. You really need to let him go. Print out copies of those emails and give them to your attorney.

And, you shouldn't say one single word to your husband about why you are ending the marriage. Just do it. Don't give him any information to work with. When they have information, they know how to manipulate you and the situation. Just tell him it is over and you are moving on. Let him stew in his own confusion.

deleted_user 08/20/2008

When my ex and I separated, I worried about the finances as well. I couldn't make the house payment on my own as well as daycare, utilities, car.... well, you know. What I can tell you is that 8 months after he filed for divorce, things aren't great, but I'm managing. I got into a place that I can afford, make my bills on time and can even manage to get some money together to take my kids out to McDonald's once a week. It's not much, but they enjoy it. What I found is that I needed to get creative. I found places to take my kids that are free - the library, the park, the community swimming pool, and some days we do nothing but sit in our jammies, watch movies (we get for free at the library) and eat popcorn, put puzzles together or just sit and read for hours. What I've discovered is that even though dad takes them all these really cool places (baseball games, the zoo, museums) he doesn't really spend TIME with them. And that's what they really want. TIME with their mom/dad. They don't care if we're at the library, or just sitting at home coloring. In fact, they prefer it because they have me 100% to themselves and dont' have to share me like they do their dad (dad lives with OW and her son).

So, things are tough, but manageable. I have had to lean heavily on my family and my friends throughout this. If you have a support network of any kind, USE IT!

You will be okay.

Cali123 08/20/2008

Would an attorney or a financial advisor (or fin. planner) be better? I have benefits at work that entitle me to both.

This is almost harder for me to take than initially finding out. Then he gave me the sob story that he wanted to be with me, he was sorry, and all this. But, now I can see that it was lies, all lies. I really want to call him out on it, but you're right he will use it to manipulate me and the situation.

I know that you are all right - he is a bad man and he needs to be banished from my life. How can one come home and look a "loved one" in the eye, tell her she is beautiful and that he loves her, and be doing this on the side? It's just sick! I need help in figuring out the next steps. Maybe I should create a new topic for that.

deleted_user 08/21/2008

See an attorney through your work to find out what your options are. I have been thinking about you since I read this post and wondering how you are doing.

He wants both of you so he is playing both of you, but that is not right. Find out what your financial options are and start coming up with an exit strategy. Be cordial to him until you can work things out so he won't start manipulating things so you can't go. They get very creative at making it financially and emotionally difficult for you to get away.

Do what it takes to buy the time you need to get your situation together so you can dump his sorry ass. Have everything in place and then spring it on him so fast he won't know what hit him. Ultimately you may work it out, but approach the whole thing as if you won't. I wish you luck.

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