Nope, looks like html tags are ignored.

Cole - omg!

When I read this subject line I thought..."really? Is that REALLY an excuse being used now?"

But, what you said made sense, from an intellectual standpoint.

I think some people DID lose their spiritual way and allowed Satin to guide their lives.

It's not an excuse, but I do believe it happens.

That's why I think it's so important to keep lines of communication open and God in the driver's seat of the marriage.

But how do you explain when preachers do this- it's common, you know. It's like they have a God complex from the start. If someone's "too" religious, sometimes it's an indication of a personality disorder. Sometimes.

Quoting Deli: I think some people DID lose their spiritual way and allowed Satin to guide their lives.

Personally, I don't allow Satin to guild me. I'm a crushed velvet kind of girl. :)

Sorry, the typo literally made me laugh.

Yep and the devil made me kill OW....bet that wouldn't work...LOLZ

Thanks, State! I just got the image of SatAn wearing a crushed velvet jumpsuit!

It's about as ridiculous as blaming him for your poor choices.

We're ALL tempted in this life. That's why there's this great phrase... NO THANK YOU!

The devil may play a good tune but it is your choice whether to dance to it or not

Heyjules - LMAO!

"Cole - omg!

When I read this subject line I thought..."really? Is that REALLY an excuse being used now?" "

lol. Psych! ;)

"But how do you explain when preachers do this- it's common, you know. It's like they have a God complex from the start. If someone's "too" religious, sometimes it's an indication of a personality disorder. Sometimes."

I think there are two factors that tend to bring it on, if you're talking about preachers/priest who give into sexual temptations. Both reasons apply to any profession, really. It's just more of a "what?" with a preacher because they are supposed to know better. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and the more people who are affected by it.

The main reason is pride. People, especially if they have power, influence, or in the case of preachers, put on a pedestal because you're doing the Lord's work, or seem so holy, can begin to believe their own hype and the praise of their followers. Pride kicks into high gear when it takes on cult-like qualities.

Pride gets them to believing they can do no wrong. It also provides plenty of opportunities for temptation.

When they succumb to temptation, they tend to over compensate. In the case of a preacher, by being real strict with others dealing with the same sin they are committing.

Current case is Bill Gothard. A big-name seminar speaker. He's always been real strict in his teachings on sexual sin, including masturbation. I attended one of those seminars back in the 80s. He's known for his teachings on the "Umbrella of Authority" which takes Scriptural teachings on obeying authority figures beyond their proper context.

But recently it has been coming out about his sexual relationships he's had with young volunteer girls in his organization.
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2014/02/bill-gothard-sexual-predator.html

The more power you get, the bigger the temptation is to abuse it. Preachers are human like anyone else, and can fall if they don't take preventative measures against it. Much like cheating. If you're pride causes you to think you'll never cheat, so you think you can cross boundaries without consequence, then say hello to Gabi's world.

I remember reading somewhere about how often people with "power" or prestige in any aspect of their life can be more likely to cheat and the more they get the more susceptible they are. Now obviously that isn't a catch all for everyone but I kind of think it tends to be true. Maybe its just the media hype but it seems that people in power positions are more likely to cheat. But what I was reading, and I hate just saying "I remember reading somewhere" all the time and not be able to reference what it was but I have read so much I cant keep it straight. Anyway it referenced cops, business people who get promotions big offices etc, ministers/preachers, politicians, pro athletes

My wife was a (supposedly) devote Catholic and attended church almost every Sunday. (I am Christian for sure but not Catholic and haven't attended church much in adulthood because my job prevents me, I make sure to go on "important" days with her even though I would prefer another church, especially now). Though she was not in any "power" position, although she did get quick advances and promotions at work, she certainly seemed to "overcompensate". She made it seem she was adamantly against cheating and when we heard of others we knew doing it she would speak harshly against it, she also has always been a very jealous person and would get upset if I got a new female co-worker at work or anything like that, despite knowing that I would never cheat, didn't have any female friends really and didn't flirt or anything. I guess being in that world herself, both the fact that she was cheating and that anyone she was cheating with was also cheating on their partner, with multiple people not just her, I guess she just was very concerned and very jealous of any interaction I had with females.

The thing with pride is interesting to me. One thing I have learned through this whole mess was that I was a very "proud" person. In counseling I keep going back to having lost all my pride. The previous post here on the "ego cannon" got me thinking that pride was my ego cannon, I thought I was better than everyone else in the way I lived and was quite judgmental with that at times. I was living right, others were living wrong period. However its interesting that pride never seemed to get me in trouble and I never ever got tempted in any way. I also am in a "power" position and that has never got me into trouble either, it has put me into positions where I easily could have but I didn't. I am still trying to figure out my whole "pride" thing because I was never aware of it and not sure if it was good or bad, i just know I miss it. Great post as always Cole.

Pride and selfishness go hand-in-hand. Around 9 months post-dday, I went into my biggest depression over the whole affair mess. I was lamenting over losing certain things.

There are the typical ones, loss of trust, insecurity about the future, etc. But two things grieved me most. One was being able to say me and my wife had never had sex with anyone else. I valued that highly. It was important to me.

I didn't go around wearing that fact like a badge on my shirt to brag about it. But it was a source of pride to me. Like this special accomplishment that so few do. It had held solid for 29 years. I did wear the badge inside so God could see it.. But that pride blinded me to the fact our marriage wasn't ideal in other areas. It allowed me to check off that the marriage was on track, she'd never cheat on me, and I could focus on what I wanted to do.

The other loss was pure selfishness: that I was pretty much free to focus on what I wanted to do. I didn't interact with Gabi much, minimal with the kids, avoided holiday activities like going to see the fireworks on the 4th. I'd stay home and write while she and the kids took off. On Halloween, I stayed at my desk while she and the kids handed out candy. I did little to no house work, only taking out the trash occasionally. I worked 8+ hours a day back then, but she put in a good number of hours cleaning houses too. She'd come home, rest a bit before cooking dinner, eating, watching TV, then cleaning all the dishes before doing her bedtime routine, and if she was lucky, I'd say a few words to her before her head hit the pillow.

Some people cheat to get away from the responsibilities. It would have only increased them if I'd done it. Gabi's said before that I'd make a good monk living a solitary life in a desert somewhere.

Now I spend a lot of time with her. I do enjoy that, and it is what I want to do now but at that point I was pining for my freedom that I had lost. Now I was spending time going to the gym with her, going grocery shopping with her, spending extended time with her before bed. There was part of me that missed the freedom to do what I wanted and spend money on what I wanted.

When I told her why I was depressed, she asked if I wanted that back. I said no. That was my selfish life and it needed to die. I married her to give my life to her, and I had trouble finding more than 5 minutes a day on average to talk with her and spend time with her. What I wanted to do had become more important than her, though I never thought of it that way.

The new normal has made me a better man.

But I now think that is why I couldn't do any creative writing for almost two years after dday. I had put too much importance on my fiction writing that it had overshadowed everything else. I even found myself frustrated that I had to spend the time going to worship when I could be writing at times. God forced me to take a long break from it so I could establish what was really important and then add it back in. I don't spend the time on writing that I used to, but that is a good thing for the marriage.

I put in the work to better myself. Thankfully Gabi did too. That's why we are where we are today.

Many a tragedy has been written revolving around hubris...

Well Cole we have one of the major things grieved the most in common. I was extremely "proud" of the fact that my wife and I were each others first and only real sexual partner. Like you I didn't wear that on the outside or brag about it. How could you brag about it as most people would not find that something to brag about in fact some people found it funny and in a way now I feel it has become or I have become a joke. But it was a sense of big pride inside. It meant a lot to me, it was something I found special and unique to us, something that I felt that I would be happy to tell my grandkids someday as the world continued to deteriorate. Now this is not to say that it is something I sought out or wanted specifically in a marriage but it is something that I "had" that I held onto and was meaningful. I guess it is also something that I could easily focus on to make sure that I never strayed. So that was and is a giant loss for me. To go from believing that we shared that to finding out she had in fact slept with many other people in the way she did was very hard to take. I'd be lying if I didn't say it also makes one question their own way of living and why.

As to the second thing I am also what some would call an introvert (even more so now) but not when it came to my wife and family. My life consisted or work, sleep every once and a while lol, and spending time with my wife (and then wife and kids when they came along). That is pretty much it. While at times my work schedule was difficult I did virtually nothing else. I spent every bit of spare time with her and the family. We did tons of things together, and I basically had not other outside life with friends or whatever because I was very happy with it that way and thought that would make her happy to. I took the place of daycare for our first son for the first two years, I would work nights and have him home 3 days a week with me, she worked part time at that point and was pursuing her masters degree. I did some housework I guess but she certainly did more, and other than the days I was home with the baby she did more with the kids are far as the daily routine. I did a lot of fixing cars or yard work I guess and thought it was a very even split. I would have never mixed a 4th of July fireworks unless I was working. I certainly could have fit the bill of someone cheating to escape the busy family life and responsibilities. One thing I wasn't though that my wife kind of wanted I guess was social with others. I didn't want to do much with other people, maybe another couple, but never a large group, a party or whatever. Not that I am trying to compare us but I was very surprised to find someone else who "lost' one of the major things I did and interested in the introvertedness that is similar yet different as mine included my family all the time. I never missed or felt I was missing any "freedom" and that is certainly not something I mourn a loss of now, in fact almost the opposite.
It is so good that you can look back and find the things you were doing that contributed to the affair, not that there is ever any excuse. I guess that is one thing I struggling with big time is I have trouble finding things that contributed. I guess we all like to think things are fine and we are doing things right but when I look back still I still feel like I was doing what many would want a husband to do. I know I didn't cause it that is not what I am saying, but I have not done well at all at accepting ANY responsibility at all for any problem in our relationship.

Cole and CountyMounty I am in the same position as you in that before the A my H and I were each other's only lover. We had been together 30 years exclusively and I was very proud of that fact. He however, if he ever thought about it at all, I think found that a source of regret/shame rather than pride. We are also introverts, though me more so than him.

Our stories differ by the fact that I am the one who does everything with and for the family and his life revolves around his work with family being very much secondary even though we have 4 children. I can look back and see that we were living almost separate lives in the same house. We were both to blame for the state of the marriage but he and the OW are to blame for the A. I strongly suspect she was the one who started the process by discussing the poor state of her marriage and being very friendly to my H who is a very sympathetic person. She is an extrovert and he was attracted to that as being the opposite of me. This all happenened at a time when he was feeling depressed about several untimely deaths of people he knew vaguely. I think it caused him to reevaluate his life and made him feel he had 'missed out'. So I can understand from that sense why he did it but cannot REALLY understand because I would never have done it myself.