Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
MC tonight. He wants to compartmentalize his affair and look at the root of our discord. Ok. But the convo is ALWAYS how I neglected him while he toiled away—doing Big Boobs and anything other than being at work or at home. Whaaaatttt? Counselor is new to us and very young. I had my private session last week where I told her this would happen. I think she was floored at his finger pointing and looked at me with that “WTF” expression for an hour. Kinda funny if it weren’t my life.
So, reconcilers, how far into your rebuild did you get into the “root” issues? What did you employ to not return every conversation back to the affair? How do you/ did you stop talking about your relationship outside the therapists’ office? How did you deal with the accusations that the affair is used as a “get out of argument free card”? What coping or stress management techniques did you/do you use? I can’t run away to yoga or climb into my car every time we “talk” but I also won’t be a doormat (anymore) either. Also, what did you say when excuses about how how AP “helped our marriage” are thrown around? I need are some phrases/words I can use when he is accusatory that do not unreasonably escalate the situation. Gah!
A friend (who had a 7 year affair) recently told me that he (like most) cheated because he wanted to; he thought "what's the harm?" Now he knows. He is H's best friend who called H a "fucking idiot of the highest caliber" when H revealed his affair (at my insistence to hold him accountable too). The harm to his wife was 20 years of alcohol abuse and a child who has nothing to do with him. The harm to me was doubt, anger, frustration, degradation of my sense of self. Well, no more says she. It really is this simple--they want what they want when and with whom they want it. No mystery. No convoluted psychological bull. Toddlers do the same thing; eventually, they learn manners too.
My best to you and thanks for the constant encouragement.
SW.
The reason so few cheaters change is that you usually spend your whole childhood and adolescence growing as a person. It isn't so easy to grow later in life once your world perspective has been established.
It takes a lot of effort and time, and if they haven't done after all these years what are the chances they will under taken this now when it is even more difficult to overcome?
How will this end? Who knows?! I saw her car (yes, I know it’s her’s by the license plate, very distinctive) yesterday. Tail spin started. THEN I exhaled and brought myself to a coffee shop. Turned off the car and yelled in the car. I mean screamed out loud and cussed and yelled like I was on fire. Then, once I was done, I opened the door and inhaled fresh, clean air. It was purifying. I’d released the toxins and took in purity. Transformative.
I then went and bought myself a $6 coffee (I never do that, so indulgent!!). A man looked me up and down—I thought he saw the tantrum in the car. Nope. He walked over to me and said, no joke, “Don’t we look like the cat who ate the canary?” I smiled and he laughed. The rage was gone and I was ok.
I know I will survive this. I know I will thrive because I am smart and funny and kind and loving and a decent human being. I just need reminders of that, and a $6 coffee, once in a while.
It really is on his shoulders to do the work and prove that he is worth the risk of taking back. Time will tell.