Yes, it is very helpful. Hard to be consistent, though. There is another thread on this I bumped up for you.

I do not like it because it is insincere. Pretending you are ok, when you are not,is dishonest. why become someone you are not? Why pretend to have feelings you do not?

This is a confusing enough time without trying to add games to games.

Be honest, be true, model sincereity and show genuine feelings, so that you and your partner can operate from reality?

If your spouse leaves you for being you, then you are better off knowing how they feel! If she leaves because you are pretending you dont care,,,????

The sudden personality change will leave anyone a bit freaked out. I agree with Nave. This isn't a time for game playing. Creating a false reality will do nothing to further any relationship. And pianogirl it is difficult to be consistent when you're not being yourself. The biggest problem with this strategy is you need a personality transplant or eventually the old you will come back. And where will that leave you? Lots of wasted time to game playing.

If someone is going to stay with you they should be staying for the real you not some phony that will most likely be short lived.

If we can't be honest with the cheater, why should we expect them to be honest with us?!?

This is the first time I've seen this. But I have seen similar things. It seems to have some good ideas, especially if what you've been doing hasn't been working.....

I have been doing some of these to a degree, and can tell you, it seems to work. I stopped begging, constantly talking about things, started living my life as best I could. The results? Better than where I was before. I don't know if my marriage will ever be what I want it to be, but I'm much happier with myself since at least trying to act differently.

I wish I would have had the list 4 months ago. I don't agree with everything. I'm what you call a pick in chooser. The list does help me to become less needy. I don't call him to chat anymore and I don't arrange dates. It has helped a great bit the last week or so. I am showing that I can be independent from him. Everyones relationship is different and their way of healing from this. My husband is very shameful. My constant attention to him was not helping. He didn't want the I still love yous, the cards, the attention from me, and I was being rejected over and over by him. He felt like he didn't deserve me. Since I have backed off things are changing. Even though I was the victim, I believe the cheater needs time to get over what they have done too, especially if they are remorseful and realized what they have done.

The list is part of a book and has to be seen in context. It`s not really intended for couples who both want to work on the relationship, but to bring a walk-away-spouse back into the marriage. Even if (s)he has just emotionally checked out, like my H. It`s often used in combination with what`s called the Last-Resort-Technique. It`s not fool-proof, but needs to be individually adjusted, for that Weiner-Davis offers coaching. I read the book and agree with her that techniques that are productive when both want the marriage to work are completely counterproductive if one wants out. Marriage counseling is for instance a bad idea then, since there are no common goals at that time it will only antagonize the couple further. In those cases individual counseling is much better. All the open talking that is productive if both want to work it out will have to wait if one wants to end the relationship. Also, by employing these techniques we are not creating a false reality, but a NEW reality. The old relationship did not work or there would not have been an affair. Both partners will need to grow, to evolve, or the relationship is doomed anyway. we can`t get our old marriages back, they are DEAD. We need to create a new one. None of this guarantees of course that the marriage will survive. But if it ends you will have grown as a person. And who can say that (s)he doesn`t need that? I really recommend reading the book, it`s by far the best of many I have read thus far.

I like a lot of the 180. I have become a stronger person, and my H see's that. He is going out of his way to do things for me now. I am still the person that I have always been, but I am stronger, I don't need my H anymore, and he knows that. I think the 180 lets you know, that you are a person, who has strength. If you are here, you need strength, so why not take some of the advice of the 180, and try it. Don't change who you are, but you don't need to be an open book either.

I also think of it as getting back to my old, my real self. Marriage changes all of us, sometimes to a point that we lose sight of what made us "us". Even if only one partner corrects the course, the other has to adjust and often that brings a different dynamic.