Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I thought this was a good thing to share with my many 'friends' here who are in need of strength and self-respect. Hugs!
What is 180 and how does it work?
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new betrayed person begin these behaviors as soon as possible. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.
So here's the list:
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? without them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying!
Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you!
More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.
This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.
Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
What is 180 and how does it work?
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new betrayed person begin these behaviors as soon as possible. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.
So here's the list:
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? without them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying!
Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you!
More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.
This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.
Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
It really gives that betrayed person some empowerment when they need it the most. When they feel so lost in the whole mess of infidelity. It lets them take some charge of the situation.
You know, BetrayedAngel used to say this alot in her posts. I wonder if she had read this or if it was just something that occurred to her - because she is that smart!
(Stop making the bread...really...)
L~
I know this will not work for everyone, but I think it is worth a try.
But I do want to second the motion of the poster who said we must also consider each 180 action (or inaction) in light of the dynamics of our relationship.
It should also be pointed out that Michelle Wiener-Davis' concepts are not merely for those marriages facing affairs, but for other kinds of marital problems as well -- from simple things like who's turn it is to do certain chores -- to major things like disagreements about parenting.
Another thing I want to add is about how long/and to what extent one should persist on the 180. Again, that has to be determined in light of the relationship dynamics and what one's motives are in implementing the 180.
For example, one area where I did a 180 on my H is when stopped being the one to voice concern about bills, shopping, maintenance on the house -- just about any future plans. It took him awhile to notice -- longer than I would've liked -- but when he DID notice and approached me about some things that (finally) he'd begun to think about -- that was NOT the time for me to continue the 180 stance. In this instance, it would have stubborn and self-defeating to continue to let things go 'till he noticed them.
Once he did begin to notice/express concerns about things, then I needed to turn about 90 degrees to meet him in the middle so we could begin to take care of these things together.
So I think it helps to view the 180 in terms of degrees -- first we may decide to do the complete opposite of whatever we've been doing, and then, if we see some noticeable "movement" or "change" on the part of our spouses, we might want to consider moving a few degrees to give our spouse "room" to change, so to speak.
I have been following many of these rules and let me tell you, my H now keeps calling ME. I am short and polite, have not touched him since the day i found out, do not call to check in and let his calls go to VM instead of picking up right away. He has even asked me once what has made me so tough and all i said was life.
It has been 3 months now and the questions he once avoided, he is now answering without me asking. He is making more of an effort to help with the kids and stuff around the house and when I would once say thank you, now why should I because when is the last time he thanked me for doing the dishes or taking the kids to practice.
I feel better about myself but there are days I still want to scream at the top of my lungs how dare he but I and starting to think the calm is much loured than the silence.
This is exactly how I handled my H's affair back then in 1980 and it worked for me.
I do believe if more could act as the above states then they may feel better and handle the situation in a more constructive way with a positive outcome.
My Husband says that I have always been a mystery, so maybe this is what has kept him interested for all these years.
You guys are great! I love this forum, because we're all hurting, and comforting each other. I'm overwhelmed with the love I feel here. Thanks for sharing and allowing others to share their journeys.
Love to you all!!!
I have been practicing this for 2 weeks now (B4 then but not all until I found the rules here) it is working. He is nervous and is actually calling me on the phone to see how I am but then he gets angry and says I am ignoring him. My counselor said tonight he KNOWS I am done. He knows since I have stopped the questions then something is up. MOST of all though, this has released ME. Released me from the fear, sadness, thoughts of the cheating, the list goes on as you all know. The 180 has given me clarity. I turned off the switch to my heart and turned on the switch to my brain. Why am I still in this relationship? I have thought about the things I heard him say over the years, his attitude, his totally not owning the A, and it is like a puzzle to where now I see the big picture. This is what my marriage really is like. It freed me to let go of the longing for how it was long ago.
Any more tricks of the trade, and ideas as to how to cope, are certainly welcomed with huge open arms!
Thanks, Emerald, and if you discover any new stuff, please keep posting! Same for any other DS'er who are reading this! It is so great to be able to get resources and information here! What a great group of people we are fortunate enought to have encountered here at DS! You guys rock!!!!