This is just my opinion from experience...first of all I have a daughter 24 and a son 28 from a previous marriage...when that marriage fell apart many years ago due to my controlling and suspicious EX, I never said much to my children. I felt that what was going on between us was just that...boy am I ever sorry I didn't...when my son graduated HS and went off to college he decided to take my EX's side...that was 10 years ago...I have not seen or spoken to him since...I have done everything humanly possible to get him to speak to me and listen to and hear what was really going on in the house many years before the break up....but he won't...he even refuses to talk to his sister about his feelings...
So when this A happened with my current H I took the bull by the horns...mind you my daughter was 23 at the time and my 2 step daughters (who lived with us at the time of the A) were 24 and 20...I told them all...I sat them down and I showed them proof..I didn't ever want them to think that I was making it up. I felt that they were old enough to understand the situation,...my intention was not to have them take sides the intention was for them have the whole truth in front of them...We even all went to counseling together and was able to get thru this mess together...I am happy to say we are closer then before...my 2 step daughters moved out shorty after the A...that has helped us to rebuild...we see them all often for Sunday dinners and movie times....They are very proud of me for willing to work things out with their dad and they are very proud of their dad to have come clean and he apologized to them for almost breaking apart the only true family they knew....
I guess if I had to do it over with my son....honesty would of been the best policy...but I guess I will never have a chance to explain my side to him...so what I am saying is be honest with them all...realize that's' their dad and they will love him with his faults...they may not respect him but they will love him...since you have a difference in ages here..you may want to sit them down separately and explain in an age appropriate manner what has happened and how it has effected you...reassure them that this is between YOU and YOUR H ...it has nothing to do with them...they are not at fault...You need to understand they LOVE both of you and you don't ever want them to feel like they have to take sides...
on a side note...my own parents got divorced after 35 years of marriage due to one of many A's my dad had....my mom was so angry at me for not taking her side, she even blamed me for my dad's A...I was a grown woman at the time and was trying to raise my family and also dealing with a controlling H. So i had to step aside for a while......I refused to be put in the middle....eventually things calmed down and my mom and I have since made peace...So don't put them in the middle and expect them to take side, but do be honest...sending you lots of support!!!!!

We also told our children about my H's A. My daughter was 16 and my son 14 at the time. I made him tell them with who and how long. A friend of ours and 10 years. Yes it was devastating, but the truth needed to be told. The truth will always come out even if it is 10 years later. Don't lie for your H. Have a family meeting or write a letter to your children stating the truth. If the truth is not told and it does come out they will resent you both for lying.

(raising hand here) 'for the ones who didn't make it' That's me.

Becky, this is a tough conversation all the way around. Accept that. No matter when you do it, it's going to be a tough one.

That said, you just sit them down and say, 'hey, WE ran into some big issues and could not get them resolved. I can't get past them and have decided to end our marriage. I will always be there for you but I cannot continue in this marriage.'

Now, really, be prepared for them to be pissed off. It's the reality. They may be pissed off at you. For a bit. They may blame you and all that. Lord knows my kids did. My youngest daughter even said to me, 'well, you KNOW he's a big liar!! Why can't you put up with it anymore!?' Sure, that one smarted to all hell, but damn, it only showed me how much ground I need to cover with HER to show her that we women don't have to put up with shit. We CAN walk.

Your EX making you out to be the bad guy? The big bitch. Yeah, I am the big bitch also. (it's wonderful!) But, in time, as you stay solid, reliable, loving, happy, open, constant to your kids, they will see, maybe as mine have, that 'yeah, Mom is a bitch, but she's doing the right thing and we're happy she did.'

My additional note to you? As you do this hard step with your kids? Hear this one - 'Be Thier Planet.' You see, this will blow your kids all over the stratosphere. Right off all the gravity and grounding that they have known. Be a planet to them and keep pulling them in with YOUR gravity - your love, your constant, your reliabilty, all of it. Keep them 'pulled in.' Lord knows, for instance, my daughter looked at me and said, in counseling, 'I really hate your for not putting up with this from Dad.' I looked right at her and said, 'tough crap. I am going to love the crap right outta you forever. Until you see that any woman has the right to walk away from anything that kills her inside. I am not going anywhere in your life. You don't have to like it. I don't care. I am going to love you right thru this.'

She actually smiled when I said that.

That is my advice. As you undertake this, stay solid. Stay strong. Let them see you being sure footed (you can still cry in the shower, you know...), laugh with them often, love them, love them, love them...

Count on my support, L~

....AND...your 14 year old...tough age as it is...VERY tough...

Take some time to talk to school counselors and teachers, and ask them to keep an eye out for problems. Dropping grades. Not eating. Isolating. Ask them to watch during school hours and keep you informed.

Counseling for that 14 year old shouldn't be ruled out. I got some great leads from my primary doctor as to good therapists/counselors in my area and kept my youngest in counseling for quite some time. Man, did it help, too.

There for you, kiddo! L~

My 14 yr old is now 16 and he still does not respect his dad, but that's ok. Both of my children are happy we told the truth because now we can work towards a more healthy family. I've raised my children not to lie so how could we keep this from them. It would be a hypocritical if we didn't tell them the truth.

My daughter had more of a problem being that she was best friends with the daughter of the OW so she went to counseling. My son just talked to people that he trusted. Teachers and his friends mom.

I totally agree with L.... love them, love them and don't let go, no matter how hurtful their words might be. Stay strong!

Sending you my support because our children will take care of us someday if we take care of them.

My H called my mother, and both of our sons (28, 21) and told them himself....he said he didn't want to take any chances of them finding out from anyone else......that he was the who did wrong and he owed it to them to tell them and ask for their forgiveness just as he was asking for mine.
All of them asked the same question...which was did he have sex with her, and he swears up and down, on his parents grave and the kids lives (which is something he never does, he finds it wrong) that all they ever did was talk............so they are all ok with him.
I let him know though that after them "talking" for 8 months that I will never believe him that he has no feelings for the Whore at all...that the only time I've ever put that much time into someone is when I was interested in them, not just as a friend.

I really like L's advice.

Do not let this asshat of a husband transfer his guilt on to you or use it to force your hand. Is a bitch someone who will not put up with a cheating husband and sets a good example for her kids? If so....be proud to be a bitch. Your kids love and respect you and your husband cannot change that no matter what bullshit story he tries to give them.

It makes me think of this old bumper sticker: "I am not a bitch, I am THE bitch, and to you I am Ms bitch"

where can I get that bumper sticker? Love it!

Our 13 year old found out about H's EA while eavesdropping, so we had to tell her what was going on. I absolutely refused to lie to her or downplay what was going on (it was about 4.5 months after Dday) and i think she respected the fact that I told her as much as I thought was appropriate. She had a long talk with her dad and he expressed remorse (very important IMO) and was very emotional about it.

She still comes to me with questions occasionally but doesn't feel comfortable talking to him. She's taken her cue from how I have handled things - very calm and matter of fact (thank goodness I had several months to get my emotions under control!). She knew something was up beforehand, and I bet your kids know more than you think.

If there's a possibility of you two disagreeing in front of them about who's fault it is, I would talk to them without your H there. Tell them as much as you feel is appropriate - otherwise they will fill in the blanks on their own and that's almost always worse than the truth.

Yep lisalisa!! Children do know more than we think they know. Like I said before, my children lost all respect for their dad and he is really trying to make up to them. Last night he asked my daughter to go to dinner this Tuesday. She just looked at me with such concern and said to him, "Should I be concerned?" He said he just wanted to spend time with her. He lost so many years with both of our kids and before she leaves for college he is trying desperately to make things better. It may happen, it may not. It's in her hand now and she can do what she wants with it. By telling them the truth, they get to decide what they want to do. We as parent just need to guide them and teach them.

When the truth is not told about infidelity and how much it destroys people, infidelity wins. Look at society and all the shit we watch on tv. Infidelity is glorified and excepted. So this is what our children see. NO...... They need to know the truth so they never put themselves in that position of hurting someone they love.

It's funny that NOW we only watch game shows, cooking shows, travel shows, and National Geographic shows here at my house. I don't want to see the smut they put on tv. And I for sure don't want my children exposed anymore than they already have been.

TV is a big influence and so are actors, actresses and pro-athletes. If it's ok for them to do wrong then it's ok for everyone to do wrong. After Arnold's A, did they really ever talk about what his wife and children experienced? Not really. They just talked about the sickening stuff. Even, Tiger Woods, what really happened emotional at their house. The other women that he was with was glorified. They were interviewed so everyone could see how beautiful they were. The media just discusses me completely.

10yearlie is right on the mark!

Since your H is still in denial about some things, it will be up to you to direct this process and make sure your kids learn something valuable from it. My daughter has gotten a real education on human behavior, forgiveness, being resilient, and consequences of lying. I hope that if she ever faces something like this in her marriage, she'll know that she can get through it and come out stronger on the other end.

No doubt your kids will take their cues from you - they tend to side with the victim in the situation, so cut your H off before he can turn this into a "poor me" scenario. Ultimately, they will just want to know how their lives will be impacted (it's human nature) so reassure them that they will still be taken care of and hopefully life will change very little for them other than not legally married parents.

I notice that most of the discussion centers around teenage kids, I'm wondering what most people feel is appropriate for small kids? Mine are 5 and 9 and as far as I know, they know nothing about the affair. We told them we are going to live in different houses because we can't agree and are hurting each others feelings. It did bother me to take some of this blame, but I don't want them feeling like "daddy did this" and then feeling badly about him. I know they are too young...but what do I do if questions eventually come up? They know that I am no longer friends with OW, in fact, they know that I can't stand her. They asked what I am mad about and I said she did something really bad to me and I don't want to be her friend. They said "did you have a fight with her" I said "No, she just did something really bad while pretending to be my friend and I can't be friends with her" Then I got "daddy still talks to her" UGH! I said that is up to daddy. My son asked once "if someone wants a divorce and the other person doesn't, who wins?" My thought was "Honey, no one wins!" but I said that you can't make someone stay married and if one person doesn't want to be married anymore, they will get their way. He didn't ask who made that choice in our marriage, though I will tell him if he asks directly that daddy was the one that chose to not be married.
BTW, a funny thing keeps popping into my head when I think about the "she did something bad to me" I always feel like saying "You know when someone takes away one of your favorite toys?...."