Yep. Don't marry her until you've resolved the cheating issue. If you think it's bad now - wait till you're married.

Ten years of deceit & denial
I don't think that qualifies as love

You may love her, and you are a standup man for her son,
There are no reasons to marry her, none, she clearly does not respect you
There is no reason to work on the relationship with get because she has other relationships

Maybe she'll see the light and change
If not and you stay.... You are signing on for heartbreak? A life if heartbreak

Are you about to make the biggest mistake of your life? I believe you most likely are, at least at this point. That does not mean that you cannot eventually marry her, but there are definitely issues that need to be worked out before marriage, or you likely will be traveling down a very rocky road. I would stop in your tracks right now before proceeding into marriage and find a good couples counselor for the both of you and also do some individual therapy as to why you ultimately accepted her lying. She needs to learn proper boundaries in a relationship, and you need to learn to stand up for yourself more and also, if you guys do go forward, to start moving into rebuilding trust. None of these things will happen quickly. The best thing I can say as a synopsis is that you need more time and lots of work on this relationship for it to be a successful and happy one.

As for her son, as hard as this might be to hear, the fear of hurting him cannot be part of the reason for you to proceed with the marriage. He is nearing adulthood, and if you currently have a great relationship with him, I see no reason why that cannot continue into his adulthood. He should be old enough to understand this, at least on some level. And hopefully his mother, in the interim, out of love for her son, will allow you to spend time with him.

^ approaching adulthood? He's 10... Has a long way to go

Miscalculation on my part, but even at 10, if this man is a good influence on the boy and is close to him, despite what happens in the relationship between her and the man, the mom could still allow the man to see the boy occasionally. Even at 10, the boy certainly realizes that they are not married--better to not get married in a hurry than to end up in divorce, as that, to me, seems like it would be more damaging to everyone concerned. Whattodo's love for the boy should not enter into his decision about whether to marry the woman---that should be based wholly on the relationship between the two of them.

I agree he has ha a huge part in raising the boy. He should be allowed to continue seeing him.

Unless she has shown some signs of wanting to change her unethical behavior and her lack of character in a relationship, then I , personally,would hold off.

This behavior does not improve without a meaningful desire on the part of the cheater to change their character, permanently. That takes time and help.

I do think it would be a mistake to marry her at this point, maybe ever. But especially right now. If she is going to truly change, that is going to take a lot longer than what it's been for you to be able to know that. I would not "try to work through it" in marriage. You need to be "through it" before you can marry her. A wedding ring and vows do not change someone. Someone needs to be right in their heart and head for a long time before they are ready to make those vows.

As hard as it is for you to think of breaking up now, it is 100 times harder to get divorced. But that's the path you will be on if this is not completely resolved, for years, before you say "I do." Because even if you "Do," clearly she doesn't, at least not yet. Divorce will be much harder on you, and the son, than a breakup would be. Also, if she's been cheating on you for your whole 10 year relationship (am I understanding that right?), why would you trust her now? Why give her the wife status when she couldn't even be faithful in the girlfriend status? A boss doesn't promote a deceitful employee hoping that greater responsibility will make them more honest. You have to earn promotions by showing you can be honest, loyal, a hard worker, etc. I know relationships aren't exactly the same, but the analogy is there. An unfaithful gf doesn't turn faithful just b/c you give her a diamond ring, she needs to earn that spot in your life as your worthy partner.

Big hugs and lots of support to you in this tough time.

I have been with her for 10 years, but the affair was recent and lasted for 10 months. We have been going to counseling and she seems sincerely remorseful and willing to change. She is terrified that I am going to leave. She has been open and honest with her phone, email, facebook, and everything else. I feel like setting the date back would be the best, but she gets scared that I will decide to leave. She would allow me to see her son, I'm not really concerned about that.

well, obviously the choice is ultimately yours to make, all we can do is offer advice.

however, i would say that: of course she's scared you will leave. she cheated on you. you have every right to leave. you shouldn't let her fear about the natural consequences of her actions pressure you into doing something you say you aren't ready for. if she cannot understand why you would need more time and be accepting of that, after her betrayal in your relationship, that's a big red flag to me

I have always found that if I question something there is a valid reason. To me, you coming here to even ask speaks volumes.

It would be worse to marry and divorce than to put the wedding on hold and get counseling. Really give this rebuilding a sincere effort before committing to marriage. That's just my thoughts. Relationships can survive infidelity but taking your commitment to the next level before you know if that can happen is probably not the best idea.

Here's the rebuilding page http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity

I would put it on hold until you are happy with the way MC is going. Good luck.

You're a faithful, standup guy. You became a father to her son without question. You represent safety, and that's what she wants because it's comfortable. But she has an itch that you can 't scratch. Let me guess: the other guy is nothing like you. That ' s what she enjoys when she comes out to play. The father of her son was the same kind of guy, too, I'll bet. This is her pattern. Marry her and she will repeat it. You fell in love with who you thought she was. Welcome to the club or run like hell.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation.

Why is there a rush to marry? Pushing the date back a year is trivial, in comparison to spending a lifetime with someone. If she fears she'll lose you, perhaps she doesn't trust you, or doesn't trust herself, and thinks marriage will expunge her desires to cheat, but as most here can tell you, marriage doesn't do that.

Can you ascertain what happened two months later to change your mind to get engaged? Were you pressured in some way to make the decision to become engaged?

Usually two months after infidelity, a betrayed partner is in the throes of ruminating over the affair, the gut-wrenching hurt from the lies and deceit, and floundering to put one foot in front of the other. The foundations of the relationship have been shaken and getting married under such conditions, would be like attempting to add a third story onto wobbly footings.

She would be very lucky to marry a man like you, and you are acting in exemplary fashion; willing to forgive her quickly, thinking of her and the boy's feelings, and putting them first. But as you have discovered, there is a longer road to healing and rebuilding trust, and fixing this issue of infidelity, may stand to reason, before committing to a monumental decision like marriage, and the parenting of a child.

If she can be reasonable, and defer the excitement of getting married, and work on the issues needed to bring YOU peace to successfully rebuild your trust, then that would say a lot about her and how much she cares about you. If she cannot push the date back and puts her needs ahead of yours, well now that speaks volumes.

I wish you well.