I am torn. And that is an understatement...

My story is like this:

I've been with my high school sweetheart for half of my life and we've been married for the last few years. We were the happy and stable couple everyone admired. But just a few months ago my husband returned from a stag trip and confessed to me that he had been lying to me about drug use that has been going on in one form or another for the entire duration of our relationship. I was absolutely devastated as this meant that he's lied to my face and got his friends to lie for him also. (I considered his friends my friends as they've all been a big part of our lives)

This devastation led me to ask the dreaded question: have you cheated on me? And there was a pause. Then my heart dropped realizing that the answer is yes. He confessed to be that he's danced and kissed other girls while drunk and high on ecstacy on a few occasions. He's also told me that on this particular stag trip, there was a girl his friend invited back to their place that he ended up dancing and making out with. This also happened while he was drunk and high. And when he passed out on the couch at the end of the night, he woke up to the girl straddling him. At this point the girl stuck her hand down his pants and tried to have sex with him but he was limp and exhausted. He said he pushed her off and joined his friends on the balcony as that seemed like the safest option to keep him from further trouble. 

That's all the truth that was revealed to me. He has promised me that there was never any sex. All of the cheating (4 occasions in total all under the influence of alcohol+ecstacy) entailed  dancing in a club and kissing. The last one went a bit further due to the girl being invited back to a house where she was able to climb on top of him to continue whatever they started. 

So there's been no sex. But is that any better? They were all under the influence of heavy intoxication but still, 4 occasions that span over a decade of only being confessed now? He admits that he was planning on taking the first 3 to the grave as he was so ashamed and in paralyzing fear that I'd leave. And he said he's been struggling silently with low self esteem & depression all of his life so he has been going on benders with drugs and alcohol to drown the voices in his head that he's inadequate and unworthy of things in his life, which includes me. He says the self hatred kept him using the drugs then once the high wore off, it caused more self hatred... And a constant feedback loop. Once he had crossed the line the first time, the guilt compounded even more and at times he was able to stay away from the drugs to better himself for a term but then having friends who use drugs kept him giving in. Etc. Etc. Just all of that repeating for 15 years.... So exhausting to even type out...

We've been in couples counseling ever since the D day. He saw how miserable I was and signed us up. Which is quite unbelievable as he never discussed problems with anyone. He bottles and stonewalls. He's been able to fly under the radar through depression and even suicidal times due to everyone in his life accepting him as an introvert & a man of few words.

Part of me is really sad for him because he has been suffering silently for so long. He needed mental health help all along but he's been self medicating with drugs his friends provided. He never made the occasion to do the drugs or seeked them out. It all happened at things like dj shows at clubs because the drugs were accessible through his friends. So he wasn't quite an addict or had cravings for drugs but an abuser when the occasion presented itself. All these are facts and revelations that came out through months of counseling. 

So given all that information... Here I am. I do believe all the truth is out at last. But where do I go from here? I am feeling so betrayed yet helping him deal with his depression + cutting out the toxic relationship in his life. We've finally come to the conclusion that he can not hang out with these friends any more so he's drafted a letter and sent them off. And he's stopped drinking other than up to two drinks at family dinners. So he's been on the right track and trying his best to mend what he's destroyed. He owns up fully and is completely remorseful. Even hates it when I say negative things about his friends as he thinks that's blaming other ppl when he's the one to blame...

So remorse isn't the problem here, my husband isn't a sex addict, no texting or flirting with girls... No actively seeking out opportunities... Just self medicating depression leading to bad decisions. But that does not minimize my hurt. Me feeling like I've been duped, feeling like I've been used and humiliated by him and his friends who knew this double life of his... The mental images of him with girls that turns my stomach and strikes me with both fury and uncontrollable tears has been unbearable. Sometimes he tries to comfort me but he often feels too guilty and unworthy of comforting me as he is the one who caused the harm. It sometimes comes out as anger as he blames himself for destroying my life. 

We're continuing with the couple's counseling but 4 months since the D day I'm still a mess. 

We have good intimate moments filled with laughter but the bad keeps haunting me. So what would you do if you were in my shoes? When you do not think your cheating spouse is a bad person but just someone who has been crying out for help and distancing himself from the ppl who care about him in fear of disappointing them... And in turn turning to the wrong ppl who let him cope in unhealthy ways.... 

Hang in here? Am I not respecting myself enough if I stay? Just please be honest if you stuck around long enough to read all of this. And I'd actually love feedback from people who can relate to my husband in this scenario. I'd love more insight into what he's going through... Can you love someone dearly and would do anything for that person yet betray them and cause them this much pain? Thank you for reading and thank you ahead of time if you're even thinking about replying... Good luck to everyone and I hope to help you too if I can shed some light into what you're going through.