Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Back in 2011 my husband had an affair with a woman for 3 years. He had said it was over, but something inside me knew better. In August of 2012 I caught him and her talking at a park. He said he needed to talk to her, so I forgave him again. This last October/November 2013 he saw her again which I caught him. Again they weren't doing anything but talking, but I have been devastated. He said she was just a friend and that all other feelings were over. He has admitted in the last couple of months he was seeing her maybe a couple times a month since 2011 just to walk and talk.
I have no family as they are all dead and we have 2 children and I work part-time so I can be with my kids. I still think there is something going on. I told him back then and even a few weeks ago, if he wants this to work then he has to cut all ties with her. He says nothing is going on. The problem is his job takes him through this town and all the towns next to it many times a day/week so he can meet her if he really wanted to during his work time and I wouldnt know anything about it which is what I think is happening at lunch. He gets so angry when I talk about this and I feel like he is still seeing her but he says he's not. In the past I when I called his work phone and he didn't answer this meant he was meeting her.
For the last month or so, I have called his work phone many times at lunch and he hasn't answered. So I panic. He eventually calls me back in about 30-45 minutes and says he didn't hear the phone ring/vibrate, or he is with a customer. Grant it he has much contact with women as he fixes copiers. Sometimes he sends me pictures but not all the time, or if he does it's brush which I can't tell where he is anyway. On these occassions, he doesn't eat lunch supposedly. He says he is tired of me accusing him of seeing her and not trusting him, but what does he expect.
I wanted us to move and for him to change jobs. He says I am taking away all his hard work (which we live on several acres) and what he loves. Also, he says that he is comfortable in his job (which he as done for 22 years) and that if he changes jobs he will be gone all the time, etc. He hasn't even tried. I do bring the past up alot as I don't trust him and maybe it is me causing some of the problems but I see other spouses postings and how they will do anything to make it up to them. I want to put a tracking device on his personal phone but I am scared this will cause worse problems. He has a work phone which I could put one on but I am a little nervous about that too.
I love him but I don't know what to do as I have no family to turn to. I feel like I am stuck. He is a good person otherwises, but I don't know how else to come across to him. We were separated for 3 weeks back in November 2013. I told him I wanted to meet her and him together, we tried to set up a time and she didn't show up (I am not surprised). He said she texted him back in November (which he didn't show me) which supposedly said she hoped we both rotted in --ll. I just need to talk to someone who has been in the same situation. I am sorry if I am going all over the place. Any advice?
I have no family as they are all dead and we have 2 children and I work part-time so I can be with my kids. I still think there is something going on. I told him back then and even a few weeks ago, if he wants this to work then he has to cut all ties with her. He says nothing is going on. The problem is his job takes him through this town and all the towns next to it many times a day/week so he can meet her if he really wanted to during his work time and I wouldnt know anything about it which is what I think is happening at lunch. He gets so angry when I talk about this and I feel like he is still seeing her but he says he's not. In the past I when I called his work phone and he didn't answer this meant he was meeting her.
For the last month or so, I have called his work phone many times at lunch and he hasn't answered. So I panic. He eventually calls me back in about 30-45 minutes and says he didn't hear the phone ring/vibrate, or he is with a customer. Grant it he has much contact with women as he fixes copiers. Sometimes he sends me pictures but not all the time, or if he does it's brush which I can't tell where he is anyway. On these occassions, he doesn't eat lunch supposedly. He says he is tired of me accusing him of seeing her and not trusting him, but what does he expect.
I wanted us to move and for him to change jobs. He says I am taking away all his hard work (which we live on several acres) and what he loves. Also, he says that he is comfortable in his job (which he as done for 22 years) and that if he changes jobs he will be gone all the time, etc. He hasn't even tried. I do bring the past up alot as I don't trust him and maybe it is me causing some of the problems but I see other spouses postings and how they will do anything to make it up to them. I want to put a tracking device on his personal phone but I am scared this will cause worse problems. He has a work phone which I could put one on but I am a little nervous about that too.
I love him but I don't know what to do as I have no family to turn to. I feel like I am stuck. He is a good person otherwises, but I don't know how else to come across to him. We were separated for 3 weeks back in November 2013. I told him I wanted to meet her and him together, we tried to set up a time and she didn't show up (I am not surprised). He said she texted him back in November (which he didn't show me) which supposedly said she hoped we both rotted in --ll. I just need to talk to someone who has been in the same situation. I am sorry if I am going all over the place. Any advice?
One thing I will share with you is that I know the grass always seem greener and you are longing for family support and such but had I read the book that saved me "Not Just Friends" a bit sooner I would've known NOT to share my husbands affair with my close family because I don't think they will ever be able to forgive him. They say "Oh if you love him we love him" but it's not the case and I know they can't stand him for all the hurt he has caused me. My friends are able to accept that we're both working our asses off and that he can be forgiven, but my family....yikes...wish I would've kept my big mouth shut for once. Hang in there and try to get that book I mentioned "Not Just Friends" it's really awesome and it got me thru some of the roughest parts of the process.
He is hiding it so he either knows it is wrong or he doesn't respect you enough to be honest
He is mAking himself open to her but not to you.
I think that your husband is still having an affair with this woman. Though it may not be sexual, it can be emotional. That to me still means an affair. If you have the means to live far away from him, you can do that. You need a little time and space away from each other. You know what they say, you'll never know a person's value unless you lose them. I don't think your husband sees your value as a wife, partner or mother to your children. He does not see all that you do for him and he is being selfish thinking only about his own happiness. If he does not change and will continue to be resistant to changing his ways, please don't stay with this person. He's not the same guy that you married. You might as well treat him as dead. He's a completely different person. You deserve to be treated well and respected.
To fail to do so is to prevent you from rebuilding trust. As is obvious by your post you are struggling with. The fact he hid this continuing relationship with the AP is a deal breaker, no matter how innocent their activities are. You have no way to know whether that is all they are doing either.
You're response to him saying you're not trusting him is, "No, I don't trust you. You destroyed that trust and are giving me no reasons to believe I can trust you again."
He may be a good man in every other area of life and family, but his willingness to sacrifice the health of his union with you for "friendship" with the AP is showing a total disrespect for you.
Which means you have some decisions to make. You can't control him, but you can control you. I'd recommend starting with the 180 to get his attention and show this is something affecting you in a serious way.
The 180 for Hurt Spouses
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html
You'll feel better about doing this for yourself and your kids. As far as him getting angry, that's part of his blameshifting strategy. But when you do the 180, his outbursts can't touch you because you're showing you're not going to be affected by any interactions with him. Good luck.