Shocking. He likes to masterbate. All men do. Not justifying his cheating past but I’d let sexy YouTube slide. It has nothing to do with him wanting to bone another woman and probably everything to do with satisfying himself.

I used to not have a huge issue with him watching porn untill he cheated. Than it was agreed on he wouldn't watch porn. So for him to think masturbating to these in my opinion still some form of porn videos is mind boggling. And if he "didn't think it was bad" why would he be smart enough to hide it. Wgat else is he lying about now. Back to zero

It doesn’t matter if he’s watching college cheerleading competition, unless he is getting some sexual satisfaction from it. Yes, my CS had “relapses” just because what ever he was doing wasn’t specifically covered... so Facebook was out, I didn’t say Twitter was. So a blanket App and social media was discussed... and any other site that has IM capabilities.
2 years ago I found pictures of 20 something’s in cosplay costumes.. he said he was trying to find me a costume... after I threw his iPad across the room, I explained unless they are 40 something’s dressed up and on a site you can actually purchase said items this shit isn’t allowed. He got the picture ... well no he can’t get any picture anymore

Anything a partner does in secret or in hiding is a red flag. This is not transparency. The fact that he hid it means he knows it was wrong, but he chose to do it anyway. Truly remorseful is not repeating behaviors that got him in the dog house in the first place. There is a difference between regret and remorse.

I think the reason you didn't care much before is that you thought he had strict boundaries and accepted his flaws ( ie. looking at porn) but was acceptable level as a spouse.

After the betrayal his flaws are less acceptable and you realize that he never had good boundaries that allowed him to go down a slippery slope.

Now you look at sexy youtube videos as another start down that slippery slope that will land him back in the bed with another woman.

I think you are right to be concerned given his track record, but the main issue is that he is still no open and honest to the highest degree.

I think a discussion about all this is necessary with the two of you or in MC.

Thanks, your thoughts are very appreciated. yes he clearly is getting satisfaction out of watching it. and he was not specifically deleting the history but also not telling me he was watching this crap, he's so "proud" he doesn't watch porn, but well what the hell :(
Forwardmotion you are spot on, yes this is a trigger that he might slowly slip down the slippery slope again.
Its sad that I need to specify in detail what he is not allowed to watch or do, you would think that if porn is not allowed and that when I rip a bikini calendar apart that he would clue in and understand on his own that sexy youtube videos are also a no go. seriously, did you all have to literally spell that out to your partners?? cant they "clue in" at all? or did he just not give a shit

You are thinking from the perspective of a person who has the wisdom to understand this.

What makes one person "better" than another isn't that they are innately "good" people.

We all have sinful natures but through wisdom/truth we can avoid allowing our nature/feelings to dictate our thoughts and then our actions.

Obviously your SO does not have the wisdom to understand this fully yet as he went down that bad path. In terms of wisdom he is like a child and actually does need thing spelled out for him. You give children hard boundaries because they don't know better and will inevitably end up in trouble/danger.

Age doesn't necessarily mean you have matured. It takes no effort to age but a lot of thought and experience to mature.

Yes I start to realize that. But how sad is it to have to spell things out for my 37 yr old boyfriend just like I have to do for my 1 year old son when growing up. I want a mature partner not 2 kids

Is it the deception that bothers you the most? Or the fact that you need to specifically name each exact thing that's inappropriate (lack of a good faith effort)? Or the idea that he needs stimulation so often that its unhealthy(addiction)?

These are three things that would bother me. But I might be bringing my own problems into this.

Someone who violates your trust needs to earn it back. That takes a huge amount of communication. He has not talked about this with you.

Are you guys in counciling?

@jane000 All 3 reasons are spot on all of those 3. Clearly he again thought I wouldn't find out. Than the fact that he really in his head couldn't think that if porn is not ok we do non-porn videos are also not ok (really do i really have to spell that out to him) and given his cheating and how much pain he caused me with that and how remorsefull he seemed and yet less than 3 months from d-day he thought it was "ok" to watch these videos which seems like addiction to me.

Yes we are in counseling
Monday another session so will bring this new event up for sure

Betrayed to deaths comments are 100%
On
That he is Gideon’s masterbation makes him a sneaky jerkoff instead of a sneaky fuck
The key word is sneaky
Being proud of jerking of to YouTube rather than porn is hilariously absurd
That he justifies it ...

Your 1 year may mature (Iodds are very good if a child has one good rational parent that they will thrive, you very much seem to be genuine , so your child will thrive )

Your husband will never mature, either he can’t or won’t, great role model as a father , sad

Yes I sure hate the sneaky aspect of it more than the videos itself. Its not that he's proud jerking of to the youtube rather than porn, but he was saying that he wasn't watching porn, but somehow he "thought" those videos are not porn so its ok, yes very immature, he clearly still doesn't get it. Maybe now he does, we have talked long about it will see. I sure don't want 2 kids to be telling what not to do, ugh what's wrong with cheaters, they can't think?? He is a really great dad though, that's the 1 positive thing I have to say about him, makes it extra hard to make a decision to leave. oh well will see how things progress.
Thanks everyone for your input

Watching porn is what led mine to cheat as well so it was decided that he couldn't do that - similar to an alcoholic having a drink. They can't stop themselves then start justifying their actions. I feel the infidelity for me was more of a breach of trust and less of a physical offense. But, when they continue to hide things from you, it leaves you little hope for repairing the relationship. I'm still trying to convince my husband that communication was the cause of this breakdown in our marriage and he is still unable to communicate. We all make mistakes, but when they hide things, it's like they know it but still continue the bad behavior. My husband said it was to spare me pain by not telling me, but it's twice as painful and discouraging when you find it out on your own. It's kinda like we tell out children, if you do something bad you might get in trouble, but if you like about it you're on twice as much trouble. Maybe they didn't learn this as children. Good luck.

@becky123 yes very true. The lying is much worse than the cheating itself or now the still watching videos and lying. If he would just tell me rather than me finding out that would be so different.

My husband watched porn for years and I let it slide thinking it was better than cheating- well, he was cheating so you are back at ground zero and need to leave if this happens again. I now see that porn=cheating