Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've debated for awhile now to post this because I don't want anyone to think I've lost it! I am still quite sane{ most days anyway :)}
I still have not seen the OW and have been trying to accomplish this for quite some time now. Here is a list of everything I have tried so far:
1. facebook..not on it
2. drive by her home..noone is ever around
3. ask a girl whose H works with her to take a pic. of her at the company x-mas party...they didn't go
4. know someone who works at the police station to print off a pic. of her drivers license..they're not allowed to just print someones license. they have to have a reason and a code.
5.hire a private eye to take pic. for me..I live in a small town so it would be VERY expensive to have him do it.
So other than parking my car outside of her home and getting arrested for stalking, I'm out of ideas.
On good days, this is just a challenge for me now. A " quest" if you will. Almost like a game to see if I can come up with the right solution to the problem.
On bad days, I admit that I feel pretty pathetic still trying to do this.
I had a MC ask me the question "does it really matter?" when I talked about seeing the OW. This pissed me off..there were other things that she told me shouldn't matter either so I declined to see her for more than a few sessions.
I don't need someone to tell me what should matter to me. If I think it matters then thats the way it is. It has been easier to accept certain things this way so I'm not fighting everything. Like my own personality and what I think I need to help me move forward.
So please don't take this too seriously everyone! I simply want to know if I've overlooked something or if anyone has another idea. Thanks!
I still have not seen the OW and have been trying to accomplish this for quite some time now. Here is a list of everything I have tried so far:
1. facebook..not on it
2. drive by her home..noone is ever around
3. ask a girl whose H works with her to take a pic. of her at the company x-mas party...they didn't go
4. know someone who works at the police station to print off a pic. of her drivers license..they're not allowed to just print someones license. they have to have a reason and a code.
5.hire a private eye to take pic. for me..I live in a small town so it would be VERY expensive to have him do it.
So other than parking my car outside of her home and getting arrested for stalking, I'm out of ideas.
On good days, this is just a challenge for me now. A " quest" if you will. Almost like a game to see if I can come up with the right solution to the problem.
On bad days, I admit that I feel pretty pathetic still trying to do this.
I had a MC ask me the question "does it really matter?" when I talked about seeing the OW. This pissed me off..there were other things that she told me shouldn't matter either so I declined to see her for more than a few sessions.
I don't need someone to tell me what should matter to me. If I think it matters then thats the way it is. It has been easier to accept certain things this way so I'm not fighting everything. Like my own personality and what I think I need to help me move forward.
So please don't take this too seriously everyone! I simply want to know if I've overlooked something or if anyone has another idea. Thanks!
Yeah, if it matters to you and it's something you need, then it's something you need. Period. You want a face to the name. That's all.
Frankly, I would too. I DID too. I want to know the face of the bitch who rocked my world. Right?
Let me put my thinking cap on....
Do you know what time she gets off her shift at work? You may be able to figure out who she is from there and catch a glimpse.
L~
L~
Did you try a google search? and a yahoo search? Even those who do not have a FaceBook page sometimes have an old MySpace account. You might find something there. Sometimes those come up via yahoo and not google, however. Put quotes around the name. If that fails, try the name with quotes and search under images. You never know what you might find that someone else might have posted some time.
My ex liked to call me Dick Tracy when he was pissed with all the research I did. You have me wishing I lived close enough to help you out with this, sista! Do you have a friend who could park near her work and take a pic for you? I wouldn't think that would be stalking? or am I missing something here? I wouldn't want to get anybody into any trouble!
I just can't know. I don't want details of anything. Just that he cheated is enough information for me. Seeing OW would be hard, I think. What if she were thinner, prettier, more this or that than you? How would you feel? Sometimes, for me anyway, I feel like not knowing details is a blessing.
Now, to actually go to her house would've been crazy because one, I already knew her so they knew my car, and Two, she lives on a cul-de-sac, so turning around would've been nice and obvious lol.
I understand what you're saying. I don't know if I would want to know if I didn't already, but I completely agree with you on the sentiment that if it matters to you, then it matters. I can't stand a person trying to lessen my feelnigs about something.
By the way, the OW in my case is a hag and a skank. She is 12 years younger than me and LOOKS at least 20 years older than I look. Didn't really make me feel any better or any worse. But I put a face with the name.
One thing it did for me was to validate that the affair was obviously not anything about something better than me in any way. The only thing I can guess is that it was just a conquest thing. Just another notch in the belt.
Thinking back on it now - the shock of it initially was horrific. He was screwing around on me with some skank. How could he choose a skank over me? But now, looking back, not so bad after all... just another notch. eh, who cares?
Note: Once you do find her (I'm betting she IS on FB) after you do your digging around for one day- put a time limit on it so that you are not obsessing. And then block her. It does no good after the initial satisfying your curiosity. It usually ends up hurting more. So limit yourself and don't check her out too much.
I have mentioned before that it is possible for me to actually be right next to her in a store and not even know it. I still HATE that thought. I guess mostly because I don't want to look like a fool. I don't think she knows who I am either. But in case I'm with H and they spot each other somewhere, I don't want to be the oblivious wife. I hope that makes sense. H says that has not happened so far. And if I wish, he will point her out to me if the opportunity is the.
She works at the power plant and you can't get close to it unless you work there. Gated off. I should have mentioned that before.
I am not on facebook myself but I had some friends try to find her for me with no luck.
I actually thought of just knocking on her door. I haven't found the nerve for that one yet! But thanks everyone for your suggetions.
And really what I want is what some of you said..a face to go with name. Maybe it will happen!
What did it accomplish:
-It confirmed that he had been cheating on me with a "just friend" who had been advising him to dump me.
-It made me laugh my ass off at what a freak he has become.
-Made me realize that he was not the perfect H and I the demon W he tried to convince me of. In other words, slapped me up side the head with a reality check.
If it matters to YOU than it matters. End of! If you want to delve deeper, you can ask yourself why it matters and what you hope to gain from knowing. Sometimes, just answering the unknowns is important to turning the page.
So, how is R going? How far out ru?
He told me 8 years ago that they had not had sex. I asked him twice and both times he said no. He was going to leave me for her so one reason I did beleive that was what did it matter? He was leaving me anyway. But of course he was lying.
S o I get to go through this twice. I actually know more about her now than he does. She has since married. I know her H name and where they live, H does not. He does know that I sometimes drive by there and doesn't have much to say. I think he's not quite sure how he should respond to that sort of thing.
I know he would love to just put this thing to rest but it is so difficult for me as it has been less than two years for me. He has laid it to rest 8 years ago, so it is settled for him. I really do think having such different timelines has been a bit harder for us. Although he will answer anything I ask and will talk when I need to.
I could ask my sister to google her name for me. I can do it myself of course but I hate having her name in my computer and maybe having H stumble on it while searching for something else. Although maybe that shouldn't bother me, but it does.
I have explained to H why I want to see her. He says he gets it but I can tell he wishes I would drop it and do my best to let go.
I still want to do this so I will keep going forward. Thanks for all of your replies.