I’ll start with a bit of background. I met my husband when he was 20, I 17. We were each other’s first real relationship, and fell head over heals quite quickly. Six months later, two weeks after turning 18 and graduating high school, we got married because it just felt right. He’s been my best friend ever since, and as of last week, we’ve been married for 11 years. 

We both come from very broken homes and has rough childhoods. We now have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. Last year, my son was hospitalized and diagnosed with T1D, and my mom, along with my step dad and disabled brother, moved in with us to help get on their feet- my mom alone is a handful.

Come February, I can feel my husband distancing himself. I know it’s because our house is a zoo and far from what we consider normal. I’m very open with him and let him know I feel a change, but he insists everything is okay. 

April 2nd, my family finally moves out. Things still feel off with my husband, but I’m excited to have our little family back again.  Mind you this whole time, my husband has not been sexually deprived. I don’t feel as though I deprived him of other attention, but that really is only for him to judge. Now that we have the house to ourselves, I basically throw myself at him since we can be free again, but he doesn’t bite. Something is not right. 

April 7th, I come out and ask him if he has checked out of our marriage.  He starts crying and tries to leave, just repeating that he messed up. It hit me. I knew at that point that everything we had was forever changes. 

I didn’t let him leave. I told him that we needed to talk about it. He told me it all started by texting an employee regarding her schedule. She then wouldn’t stop texting back. Apparently she has a pretty rough life and found it easy to confide it him. It started with him just being a listening ear, but prettt quickly turned physical, with her sending him nudes, and eventually leading to a bj in his car. Over the course of the 3 months, over 5000 texts were exchanged. How is that even possible??  Her husband found out and threatened to tell me if my husband didn’t first.  Which leads me to ask two questions: 1) Did he tell me because the guilt was eating him alive like he claims, or because the husband would have if he didn’t? And 2) Did it only end because the husband found out, or did it end because, as my husband claims, he realized what he was doing and came to his senses. Two answers I will never know for sure.  The panic attacks ensue. 

He swears he is being completely honest about the whole situation, because let’s me real, things can’t possibly get worse, so why continue the charade?  He willingly answers any questions I have, but you can see the frustration in his face. He tells me we can’t move forward if I keep bringing it up.  From the moment he told me, I was willing to try and make it work, or to at least not give up too easily. When I say I love this man with everything I have, I couldn’t be more true. I have to believe that the stress of a newly diagnosed sick child and of my family living with us for 6 months has much to do with him thinking this was an outlet. But a huge part of me will always think he wanted it to happen. He swears he doesn’t know how it all got to this point, but that he never questioned his love for me. I truly believe he loves me, but I don’t know how to move on, almost 3 months later. I cry every time we have sex, and they didn’t even sleep together. The sheer thought of his hands on her waist or touching her face is enough to make me sick.  

I could never hurt or break him like he has me, but some days, I want him to feel this pain, because it is unbearable. I just want to be okay, but I’m not sure how...