Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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socrushed 07/27/2012

My inner voice has been telling me for awhile now that I will never get past my H affair. So why do I stay? I have thought long and hard about the answer to that. I guess simply put, because what I have here with him is better than what I would have to deal with if I were on my own.

We live here in Mn. and my whole family is in Pa. Even so, my family has so many issues going on that it wouldn't exactly be a comforting place to go to. I mean my mother and sister love me and I love them dearly. But they live together because my sister got a divorce and has money problems, my mom is terrible with money so she also has money issues. My father past away from diabetes and cancer in 97, hence my mom's problems. Anyway, last week I was crying wishing my dad was still alive because then I would have someone who would take care of me for awhile. Imagine a 48 year old woman crying for her daddy.

I have two sons here in Mn. My oldest son is an alcholic so I worry about him all of the time. He will be 29 years old next month and isn't married or even engaged. I was hoping to be a grandma by now! My youngest son is doing well though, going to grad school and living with a very nice girl.

It has been two years and this thing still consumes me everyday. I have never been on my own and I know seeing my H with someone else would kill me. I do have depression that I have been dealing with for many years. Even so, with everything else I have to deal with I consider that to be only about a quarter of my problems while my H A is the other 3 quarters.

So I guess I will live as is until something drastic happens. Like my H just can't take it any longer. I am on the verge of tears almost daily. Although I hold up pretty good when I need to. I can laugh and have a good time some days. But I know real happiness will never be in my future. How could it after what he did? It has destroyed me really.

deleted_user 07/27/2012

I feel you pain and know what your going thru, my H cheated in 2008, I stayed cause I love him. You have to do what is best for you! Crying is suppose to be good for the soul, but right now my soul feels like it is dying...
Hollar if you need to talk...

LR

deleted_user 07/27/2012

I think there is pain no matter what you do. I have chosen to walk away. My stbx would not let go of his love for the OW and even told me he still thought about a relationship with her if we don't work out. He broke too much of my trust and shattered too much of my heart. I bent over backwards to try and get him to say and do what I needed him to. It never happened. It will kill me too, because he will probably end up with the woman I hate most in the world. Either choice is hard and there is pain either way. If you can save your marriage, and it is for the right reasons, God Bless you!! Time will heal your wounds. Are you seeing a counselor? It will help you to talk about you and what you need, away from all the drama and pain your CS has brought into your life. Sending you hugs!!

deleted_user 07/27/2012

I don't have much helpful advice as I am just going through finding out. I just wanted to let you know how badly I feel for you. I hope that you can find the strength to make it on your own. You deserve better than to be with someone just because it's easier. I know that I don't know you but your story touches me. Sometimes I feel I am with my H because it's easier. I have a special-needs child. I fear being alone to raise him and his sister. I also have a family with problems of their own. I could not live with either of them. I do love H though. I am hoping I am making the right decision. Good luck to you. I hope your future gets better.

Cole50 07/27/2012

"My inner voice has been telling me for awhile now that I will never get past my H affair. So why do I stay?"

Of course, I or anyone else here can answer that question for you. But it did make me think that it isn't so much a matter of getting past it, but integrating it as part of your history together. To come to acceptance, not to forget it or act like it didn't happen. Successful integration into the relationship allows you to move forward and work to bring good from the bad.

Of course, I know what you are literally meaning is getting "past it" in relation to feeling in love with him again. Whether that happens successfully depends a lot on how much or little sweeping under the rug issues that need to be dealt with for both parties. The CS tends to be guilty of this more than anyone, but the BS can do it as well. But until you can gain a measure of trust both on you're dealing with it effectively and he working through his issues and needing to do all he should and can, it will be hard to do that.

socrushed 07/28/2012

Thanks everyone for replies. Guess I should have added that I still do love my H. But the pain of what he did is so great that I get lost in it at times. H is doing everything right as far as helping me heal, I just wish I could let this go and be happy again. It is the toughest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I really do want to be able to enjoy life.

hurtmomofour 07/28/2012

i hear you so crushed. i get lost in it sometimes too. sending support

deleted_user 07/28/2012

Hi socrushed

I "hear" what you mean -- I think recently I have been having similar feelings -- been very frustrated lately (--- welll I dont want to hijack your thread so I am going to stop there). The situation is a drepssing one so I think most of that is normal. However you may want to want to get get some help -- sounds llke you could benefit from talkimg with a good counselor/professional. I certainly understand what you mean by "it has drestroyed (me)...."

I wish you well -- you have support here - lots of good people -- I haven't been around much myself lately because of my personal situation.

deleted_user 07/29/2012

i totally get you. My H cheated and i cant forgive him due to the fact that im disabled. But not dead. just because he only gets sex 2 to 3 times a month is no excuse to cheat. Now I feel threatened into sleeping with him more often. We have 2 small children and im to ill to take care of them on my own since i cant work and my SDI hasnt come thru yet. So what can I do????? It sucks!

nassurvivingrace 07/30/2012

My momma told me a women will do a lot for security and a paycheck. To a point, for me, that's true... I am bipolar and my meds without insurance is 200.00 a month. Plus with out him I would have no insurance to see my doctor who prescribes my meds. I'm a stay at home mom to his son and have not worked in a year . He moved me from my home town away from my job of two years and my home that I owned and my family to a god awful place where I knew nobody all the while he had this other women on the side why do i stay... well because i still love the jerk and I need him right now. Sounds awful i know.... but here I am !

deleted_user 07/30/2012

Have you truly looked at your options, in terms of what would need to happen in order to get out on your own? Nothing says you HAVE to move to PA or anything. You are unhappy in the life you have, and that's IMPORTANT. Everyone you named, your H, alcoholic son, Mom and sister with money problems, are all the people you feel obligated to, or you provided a role for. They are not you, and do not dictate your life. You are feeling "positive" you will continue living in a miserable marriage because you feel obligated to other or don't want to be a nuisance.

Instead of looking at the whole thing as a big, scary uncertainty, do a little investigating. What can you afford? What kinds of alimony would you get? What are apartments, etc like in your area?

I'm not suggesting you leave him, but as someone who got cheated on, and chose divorce, I can tell you that divorce wad my decision AFTER the counseling, books, etc..and I said to myself, "i would rather face the Unknown then be in this misery just because it's comfortable" I loved my X then (hell, he's my son's father), and I love him now, but just differently than I did. I am 100 times happier now, two years out of my divorce, than I was in my marriage. Cheating only added a layer of disrespect I have too much self-worth to "accept."

I feel very sad reading your post. To the poster who said "women staying for security and a paycheck"...I knew, when I got married, I would always have a career and my own insurance, etc. Because IF the time came where I was no longer married, I knew I could stand on my own two feet.

Please give yourself the opportunity to put yourself first. A better YOU is a better mom, friend, etc to everyone else. Wishing you luck...HUGS!

nassurvivingrace 07/31/2012

"Trying" I agree with you and what you said is encouraging. I married at the age of 35{ my first marriage} before I met my H I had been on my own and raised my daughter as a single mother. I worked and supported my self and made sure I had insurance for me and my daughter. I have always worked and payed my own way up until a year ago when my H took a job in another town... I quit my job moved from all I knew. All this in the middle of winter I had to rent my home which I bought in my name because my H had no credit. During the month of feb my house flooded due to freezing weather. I went back home to take of the matter my home had to be remodeled that took 2.5 months while I was gone my H was fucking the OW. On my way home april3rd my gyno called and told me I had cancer in my uterus and had to have emergency surgery within the next week because it could not wait. After hearing the news of cancer that day was the night I saw the text to my H from the OW "I love you" that's the night I learned of his affair on top of everything else . Needless to say the past year I haven't work due to the incredible stress in my life other wise I would be on my own taking care of myself . I guess for me staying with my H right now is the right thing for me to do . By the way it's his insurance that's paying for my therapy I think i'll use it to get healthy again.

deleted_user 07/31/2012

One must be careful in the decision to R or D, it cannot be a decision taken lightly.

Many will come to peace that it is simply destiny that this is what is meant for life.

Thus middle of the ground occurs sought of comfort.

Resolved that this is the end of the road, however this takes time its not instantous

deleted_user 07/31/2012

I guess I'm lucky to know staying isn't the easy route for me. If I left him I wouldn't have to forgive and forget. I wouldn't have to deal with his debt and bad decisions. I'd get a lot of child support and spousal support that far outweighs what I get now as his wife, plus both houses and the bank account are in my name. He'd be left with his truck that he owes on and nothing. I'm glad to know I stay because I love him and believe we can be better. Sometimes I want to give up because giving up would be easier.

deleted_user 08/01/2012

I hear and feel what you're saying. It's been almost 10 months since the last deception finally came out after it was supposedly all out on the table. I'm to the place that forgivness isn't even the point, I feel I've forgiven and do love him very much. I just can't live with all the suspicious stuff that keeps popping into my head. I feel trapped because I'm in physical therapy, was a workaholic until a year and half ago then went on binges when I couldn't work. I'm now having trouble with anger because I don't believe I would be in this physical shape had it not been for his decieving and her constant manipulating. I havent pulled a weekend binge since last year even when its tempting. I now believe that stress and trauma can make a person have real physical illnesses. It would be better for me if I can find a way to just leave, heal and not feel pressure to have sex when I'm having a bad pain day due to the affair etc.

socrushed 08/01/2012

Trying, I really liked what you had to say. It made alot of sense to me. I should try harder to be in charge of my life and do some things on my own. Like finding out about alimony and what else I might be entitled to if I divorce. It will take some of the " unknown" out of the picture for me.

I still go between being in such misery and then thinking there might actually be an end to this crap some day. I do have an obsessive personality so that makes things worse of course. I still want to know what OW looks like. It has been two years and this has not gone away. I still hate that I haven't been able to see her or get a picture of her. So theres that among other things that stay in my mind.

I have thought about leaving H and what that would be like. Yes it terrifies me but thats not all. I get an overwhelming sense of saddness too. And I feel bad for him. I know it would hurt him terribly. And I really don't know if I would ever get over him.

So I think these thoughts are what make my life so tough. I hate all of this indecision!!! I was never one for wanting to see into the furture, but in this case it would be a big help. I would finally know what to do, I would have my answer.

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