3 weeks ago my world bottomed out. I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years, married for 7 and we've never had a single blowout fight. Our disagreements were very small and we worked through them quickly. There was no lack of love or romance in our marriage so imagine my surprise when he told me he'd been having an affair and was leaving. Some backstory: I was my husband's ONLY relationship - he had no girlfriends, no live in partners, etc. I was in various relationships before I met him, so I knew what I had and what I wanted. My husband was relentless in his pursuit of me and that never ended. He is a really stellar partner: regular sex, cleans the house, rubs my back, cooks, treats my like a queen. Turns out - he hasn't been happy for a couple of years and instead of rocking the boat, he just kept it inside. He claims he was scared of confrontation and honestly, the fact that he's so scared of me that he'd rather lose the magic we have, than disappoint me, breaks my heart. I'd always prided myself on my communication skills, never knowing that he was holding so much back in order to 'keep the peace'. I showed him love by cooking for him, making sure I was still keeping my oral skills up to par, surprising him with trips and gifts, etc. We showed love in different ways and that became a source of unhappiness for my husband. 

He met OW a year ago and she worshipped the ground he walked on. She was there to cater to his every need. They had nothing in common as people but she made him feel like the "big man" in the relationship. He tried to break it off several times and she was hysterical each time, and he was terrified she'd tell me so it kept on. Then an incident happened and my reaction to it convinced him that there was no way I'd ever consider reconciliation once I'd found out about OW. He formed a narrative in his head that was completely of his own doing and he made my choice for me. It only took the tiniest bit of an opening for him to come back 12 hours later. t's been 3 weeks but we've made incredible progress. 

Here are some things we did/are doing for any of you out there going through the same thing: 

- We went to OW house and got all of his stuff (yep, I made him take me there and he didn't protest once)

- He cut off all communication with her and I have access to all Accounts, passwords, etc. - even a GPS on his phone 

- He signed up for his own counseling and signed us up for marriage counseling. I am also seeing my own therapist. 

- We have been spending much more time in the bedroom, not just for sex but for intimacy. We cry, talk, fight, cuddle, laugh. It feels good to establish this closeness. 

- We wrote new vows for our new marriage and got new rings. The people that got married in 2011 are dead and so is that marriage. 

- We are reading like crazy, articles, books, studies, etc. Right now we are working on: 

"After the Affair" - Alice Spring - A must read for all couples trying to reconcile after the trauma of infidelity. This focuses on communication and rebuilding trust. 

"Hot Monogamy" by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love : This contains some really brilliant exercises for both partners to reestablish intimacy, expectations and desire. It's helped us uncover some really insightful things about our relationship. 

"The State of Affairs" - Esther Perel: A great read for a partner whose affair is part of an identity seeking crises. Sometimes affairs have nothing to do with the betrayed spouse OR the other person. 

- We choose to be here every day. At any time I can walk and so can he. Two people have to want to be in this together for it to work.