Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Georgia 04/18/2017

About 10 years ago i did the unthinkable, and had an affair. Never in my wildest dreams did i think i would be capable of that - but i did. I was consumed with guilt and left the marriage - not for the man i had the affair with but because I couldnt see a way of moving forward with my husband. I stayed with the man for a few years until it was apparent that he wasnt the person i thought he was. He frequented brothels on a regular basis and physically abused me as well as mentally. I collected my strength to leave him but i felt i couldnt for a long time because i didnt give my marriage the time - i felt i needed to give this relationship the time and effort. A mistake. Things steadily got worse and i finally left. Fast forward to today. I am now with a man of 5 years who once or twice a year emotionally and verbally abuses me. Apart from these times, the relationship is generally very good. I dont understand why I stay with him. I call those moments episodes. He always feels bad and apologises afterwards and then tries to make it good by going to counsellors and he tried hypnosis once. This time ive asked him to go to anger management course and a counsellor which he has already made an appointment for this afternoon. Ive told him i want to go to the next session with him. And ive asked him to tell his 4 adult children what he is doing so he can be made a little more accountable.

Is this what they call karma? I feel like i deserve this but am truly hurt. Im guessing this is how my ex husband felt. This man im with now, when hes having a moment, tells me that im not and never will be as good as his deceased wife, he makes comments about my body parts, calls me a whore ( i made the mistake of telling him my history as i felt he needed to make an informed decision as to wether he wanted to pursue a relationship with me) Never will i do that again. Hes threatened to tell my children of my affair. Hes had one of these outbursts in front of his adult daughter who promptly stopped him. I have a good relationship with his children as he does with mine.

I have obviously ruined my life for my actions. IN regards to my ex, i dont love him apart fromt he fact that he is the father of my 2 children who are now 16 and 18. We have a fairly amicable relationship which i commend him for considering the situation. I went to counselling after the fact to deal with the WHY and the guilt. My ex moved on a very long time ago to which i am happy for.

Is every relationship i have from her on in going to be full of abuse and turmoil? Just how much do i take? Do i deserve this?

Im very open to all critisism and comments. Im at a loss as to how to be happy.

Lenoire 04/18/2017

Happiness comes from within, so in other words, you are not happy because of who you are and how you govern yourself, and not because your man has anger episodes twice a year.

You want to rush him to anger management courses, because he has two anger episodes per year. You, on the other hand, had a lengthy affair, that lasted for years, yet you want to keep that from your children.

What's more is that you want to tell his children about his episodes for accountability purposes, well look who's talking? If it isn't Miss Double-Standards herself. When you can walk the talk, and be an authentic person, you might find the elusive pathway to happiness.

Wishing you well.

Georgia 04/18/2017

Lenoire - you are totally correct. I struggle with telling my children as they are teenagers. I do realise they will find out what happened one day. I would prefer it to be from their Dad if he'd prefer to tell them or myself. Not some crazed man. After reading my post again, i can see the absurdity in the situation and the selfishness on my part. Maybe i should have written things out on paper 10 years ago - things would make more sense. In no way do i shrug responsibility in my own actions.

gravinggirl 04/18/2017

I don't believe anyone deserves to be abused. You don't deserve to be punished for a lifetime over something that happened years ago in a previous relationship. What a waste of a life that would be. You say you are on good terms with your ex-h and he has moved on. Try to get on better terms with yourself.

If you are a magnet for men who abuse you, it could mean you are codependent and/or have low self-esteem. Narcissists and sociopaths can sniff that out. Being involved with them will crush you. It won't get better.

Please revisit therapy so you can move on to something healthier.

Also, there is a Cheaters Anonymous board if you are looking to process something about your affair.

gravinggirl 04/18/2017

When it comes to children, you have to ask yourself if a desire to tell them about an affair (especially when it is over and the AP won't be in their life) is coming from a place of love and concern for their well-being or from a place of righteous anger and revenge. Some good articles exist on that topic.

My kids were told by someone outside of my family, and one became suicidal. On the other hand, my brothers think my mom had an affair after we were grown, and I don't care at all nor want to know anything about it.

Georgia 04/19/2017

Thanks gravinggirl. I feel I need to do some soul searching as I struggle on a regular basis as to what I have done to my family and how I am with new people in my life now. Is the cheaters anonymous board on this site? I may be able to get some views as to how I can overcome my self destructive thoughts on my behaviours. As much as this man in my life keeps bringing up the fact of my affair, I need to understand him as to why he is so nasty as every other time he is extremely supportive. He himself admitted to having a short affair on his wife (now deceased) so I don't know why he thinks hes any better than me. Love is such a strong emotion. It interferes with all reasonable thinking. Or maybe I'm just blinded. Ive told him in the past that I don't NEED him in my life, but I WANT him in my life. I think its time for me to move on as these episodes have happened too many times to warrant them being a one off. Thank you !

pfrey71 04/19/2017

I'm going out on a limb here and taking a wild guess, but your husband's anger seems to be coming from a place of fear of you cheating on him, since that seems to be what he's focused on when he lashes out at you. The man needs professional help for his own issues, without a doubt. You can't fix him. He has to want to fix himself.

I think you should tell your children about the affair. They were members of that nuclear family before you divorced and have a right to know what happened. I say this as I was once the child in that situation and I was pretty annoyed when I found out that my neighbors knew about my family secrets but my own family never bothered to tell me. You don't want them finding out from other people. The truth should come from you, no matter how old the information is.

Third, get some professional help for yourself in dealing with your shame from your past. It sounds like it's really holding you back from being present in the here and now.

Georgia 04/20/2017

pfrey71 - This is not my husband mistreating me. This man is a partner, someone ive been seeing for 5 years now. I told him about my affair so he could make an informed decision as to wether he wanted to continue with the relationship with me. Hes threatened to tell my children who are now 16 and 18 when he has had his anger outbursts. And yes,,,, I do need to see someone about the guilt I feel as it is still there and I daresay will be for the rest of my life. Thank you.

Lenoire 04/20/2017

Love has nothing to do with blinding you from reality, you are doing a great job of blinding yourself from reality all on your own. It's time to put your big girl pants on and come clean with yourself and your children. If you don't know why all these things are happening to you, perhaps it's time to look at some common denominators, you. You keep doing the same things, as you have done in your past, and expecting different results. Not only that, you look upon others for blame, to take the emphasis away from you and what you've done, which is a common cheaters characteristic, and you are still carrying that attitude around after all these years.

You're not willing to look at who you really are as a person. He's probably angry with you because you think you can skate through life without facing the consequences for your actions, all the while pointing the finger at his anger episodes. I can't even begin to tell you how absurd your reasoning is.

Yes, I think you should end it with him and run away, once again. You're not ready to face the music, and he's not prepared to live with your deceit any longer.

gravinggirl 04/20/2017

Why does her present partner (not even the person she cheated on) have any business threatening to tell her children about an affair years ago that didn't involve him? I think that's a boundary overstep. Her family, her (and her ex-h's) parenting choices.

Also, wasn't divorce a consequence of her actions?

Georgia 04/20/2017

After all these years... yes.. i AM willing tonaccept the consequences from my ex... but not from any forward partners considering they have no right to tell my children. The only people that have that right are my ex and myself. If my ex decided it was a good thing to tell the kids, to help.him, i would accept that. Its clear he has moved on and is happy. I went to therapy in the beginning which was 9 years ago but should have continued it as i didmt go long enough. I am considering going again. The past affects the future.

Lenoire 04/21/2017

You gave him the information, and those are the consequences. You want everyone to play by your rules, and life doesn't work like that; this is a cheater's characteristic.

Transparency is the only thing that will free you from the perpetual consequences of keeping dark secrets. Clearly, you don't understand how much the past affects your future.

I'm glad to hear you're considering going back to your therapist.

gravinggirl 04/21/2017

Keep in mind that her ex-H, who was the BS, clearly doesn't want to air dirty laundry to their kids or else he would have done so over the years. It's not just playing by the cheater's rules. This is a parenting issue and not the business of someone outside of the family.

Byzantine 04/21/2017

Hi Georgia, I really want you to realize that you don't deserve to be treated like this. It is heartbreaking to see that you think this is your punishment for having an affair. Just because he does this only a couple times a year doesn't mean it is acceptable. The things he says to you are out right abusive, and the fact he threatens you to keep you from leaving him shows how dysfunctional his idea of a relationship is. By the way, I was around your children's age when my mom confessed she cheated on my dad, and though I was a little shocked and disappointed, I didn't start treating her any differently. It made some things that happened in my childhood make sense, and made her seem a little less perfect, a little more human. Hope to see you in the Cheaters Anonymous group, and wish you the best.

Lenoire 04/28/2017

I don't agree that she needs consent from him to tell her children, even if he is the ex BS. A heads-up and a conversation with him about it beforehand would be nice, but that shouldn't be the reason for not telling.

That's the problem with cheating: parents/people think they need to protect others by not telling, when in reality, nothing could be further from the truth. They don't tell because they're protecting themselves from judgement. They fear what their children and others will think of them. So you see, it really has little to do with parenting, and everything to do with emotional maturity and mindfulness.

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