Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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socrushed 01/29/2011

I have just replied to the post about how our spouses still think about the OP. Which brings about my question. I had mentioned that my H remembered something the OW told him 7 years ago. It was relevent to our conversation so he told me in good faith. Now I am upset to think that not only does he remember everything they did, but also everything they said to each other. And to top it all off, it was something that I would of considered insignificant. Just talk. But I guess nothing is insignificant when it comes to the OW.

So all that being said. Should I talk to my H about my feelings on this, or just keep it to myself so he will tell me things he thinks I should know in the furture? { if anything else does come up that is}

I think I should share something that bothers me, but maybe that isn't always the way to go?

deleted_user 01/29/2011

I'm always for open honesty. It's not necessarily what you're saying that's the issue, it's how it's said. Given he has cheated, and it's still an issue seven years later, I think he has to be willing to always be ready to discuss it, and to be transparent. I, personally, don't see the point in NOT sharing feelings...soon, walls will be built, and communication gets stunted.

Learningskills 01/30/2011

You were probably very unhappy with your mate hiding their feelings, and behaviors from you...yes? So, why would you hide what you really feel? Perhaps it's quite good for your spouse to know what you're feeling. If it isn't good it isn't. And that is just the truth.

deleted_user 01/30/2011

I agree with SheenRa. If you want "open honesty" then you have to accept the "bad' along with the "good". Sometimes honesty doesn't feel good, & that's a fact. You can't decide how you feel about it, but you can decide how you deal with it.

deleted_user 01/30/2011

My personal thoughts are, if you tell him that this bothers you, then he wont give away anything in the future, if he feels it's going to upset you.

deleted_user 01/30/2011

I think that we don't have to share every feeling that goes through us.

Sometimes we can process them and then move on without every speaking them. The feelings pass and we move on with our lives.

If it is a day or a week later, and you are still bothered by what you were feeling ... then yes I think it should be shared.

znzsmom 01/30/2011

I agree with Trying; it's not what we say but how we say it. I know my H gets very upset when I get over-emotional and start yelling; however, when I calmly express my feelings, he listens and actually hears what I say. I know it is impossible for me to hold in my feelings. That's just not how I'm built. I need to talk about my feelings so I can process them. My H knows that, although it may be embarassing and painful for him, he must listen. Those are the consequences of his actions. Anyway, if, like me, you have difficulty expressing yourself in a productive way, counseling is a must. Take care and God bless!

deleted_user 01/30/2011

I think its a sure way to get your H to clam up in the future out of fear of upsetting you. I read your reply to that other post and it seems he was warning you. He didnt bring up the OW out of the blue because he was thinking about her and longing for her. But rather he was prompted by seeing that name and then told you the info as a heads-up. (unless I misread something in your post) I say take this how he intended it versus how it makes you feel (he still thinks of her).

My unusually optimistic response is brought to you by painkiller haze while nursing a broken foot.

socrushed 01/30/2011

Thanks everyone for your replies. I was leaning toward the side of not saying anything. I guess I know this is probably best, knowing my H he would keep anything else to himself just so I wouldn't be upset. I guess sometimes when I;m hurting I think he should know so I'm not suffering alone. But seems like I will have to do just that from time to time. This is sooo hard!

deleted_user 01/31/2011

I think you should share your feelings, but often it depends on how you say it. If you say it in a way that will encourage communication and won't make the other person feel bad that is a good thing, but if you say it in a way that squelches communication that won't work. So consider how you say something before saying it.

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