It *IS* tempting to want to talk to the other person, and to tattle to their spouse, too. I have felt this way, also. But, I never did it.....

It just stoops to their level, you know? You are better than any of THEM!

I'm pretty sure your partner's affair partner knows he is married. And their spouse most likely knows *something* is going on too (and what if THEY have an "open relationship"? Then telling them wouldn't make you look too good, right? They will think "Yeah duh, didn't she know we had an open relationship?")

The feeling you have to do it is completely normal though. And I'm sure people do it too, on an impulse. (Like the second they find out they were cheated on, and they are not thinking clearly)

So my Question - Why are you considering telling now, after 9 months has already gone by???

Here's something that could help you right now. Write a letter to each of them, saying anything and everything you want to say and don't hold back, let it allll out..... And then burn it, shred it.... DON'T send it to them. Writing things out can be very cathartic and would probably help you feel better.

I am sorry you are going through any of this. That stinks. You are strong and you will move past this. Have a lot of life ahead of you to live, with a new loyal and faithful partner.

Thank you for your response. I should have provided a few more details.

One, since I discovered the affair, I've caught them again numerous times. In other words, they both promised it was over, but they continued to break these promises.

Two, I know for a fact the other couple is not in an open relationship. I know the other couple, I know their kids, i've spent time with them on numerous occasions, and I've spoken to the other person and he definitely does not want his wife and children to know the truth.

I guess i'm considering exposing him now for two reasons. I'm just tired of feeling so down. Will exposing the other man help me feel better in anyway? It just feels so unfair protecting him. But I also don't want to cause his wife and children any pain, especially this kind of pain. But does she deserve to know?

Two, I am still deeply in love with my partner and want to make things work. I don't want to move on with someone else. I'm far from perfect and more than willing to forgive her and move forward, but I'm losing hope. I've kept their secret for her sake, but am I just enabling them? Do they know I won't do anything, so now they are free to continue the affair? Are they just taking advantage of my love and empathy?

At this point, I have very little hope my marriage can be saved, so why should the other man's be protected?

I have written letters already. And that did help early on, but not anymore.

It's such a hard situation. Lots of emotions and hurt and despair and not knowing what to do. It's like we feel a loss of control.

I would think about it some more if you should tell the other person's spouse. I have a feeling they already know. Their spouse must be acting weird and different, too, so they might already suspect something is up.

More importantly, is to figure out what YOU want to do. Does your partner show any signs of remorse and them wanting to reconcile and fix this and they will put 110% into fixing your relationship?

You said you caught them again, after they said they were done. So what is up with that???

I would also suggest you talking to a therapist. They can be very helpful in sorting out your life, and they give an outside opinion on the situation. I speak with my therapist weekly.

Do you have any friends or family that you can vent to? It helps to talk it out with other people.

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Take care of YOU first and foremost. That's all that really matters. Telling them or not telling them.... it won't make that much of a difference (I have been in your shoes, and I completely understand what you're feeling).... but it won't make them stop the affair, if that is what you are hoping to accomplish by telling them.

Again, thank you for your response and support, it really does help. I've done my best to address your questions in bulleted points.


I would think about it some more if you should tell the other person's spouse. I have a feeling they already know. Their spouse must be acting weird and different, too, so they might already suspect something is up.

* I hope she knows, but I doubt it. Everybody thinks he’s such a nice guy. I used to think he was such a nice guy. I even admired and respected the guy before I discovered the affair. But the truth is, he’s a lying, narcissistic, predator… and I think I'm the only person that knows the truth.

More importantly, is to figure out what YOU want to do. Does your partner show any signs of remorse and them wanting to reconcile and fix this and they will put 110% into fixing your relationship?

* Somewhat. She’s been showing more remorse lately, but I can’t shake this feeling that there is something still going on. And the fact of the matter is, she’s mostly concerned about our kids' well being than mine. Despite all of this, she is an incredible mother and I can;t imagine raising our children (9 & 7) without her. We both agree that we’re a great parenting team. But are our kids better off knowing the truth or just watching their dad slowly die? Am I failing my kids by giving up on the marriage? If they’re better off with two parents in the home, I’m fine sacrificing my happiness and wellbeing…

You said you caught them again, after they said they were done. So what is up with that???

* Yes. Phone records. Caught them meeting up in a parking lot (by total chance…fortunately I mostly kept my cool and didn’t assault the other person…even though he deserves it). They work together…I don’t know what to do. It’s just a horrible situation. I’m paranoid and anxious every single day.

I would also suggest you talking to a therapist. They can be very helpful in sorting out your life, and they give an outside opinion on the situation. I speak with my therapist weekly.

* I’m seeing an individual therapist every other week and it is very helpful. I’m also on meds to depression and anxiety…but I hate them. My wife and I do couples counseling every other week, but I’m starting to think it’s a waste of time (the therapist is fantastic, but I just don’t feel like it’s accomplishing anything).

Do you have any friends or family that you can vent to? It helps to talk it out with other people.

* Nobody knows the whole truth. Some friends know I am going through marital troubles and they have been super supportive. I’m afraid if they know the whole truth they will never forgive her and I don’t want that…at least right now.

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Take care of YOU first and foremost. That's all that really matters. Telling them or not telling them.... it won't make that much of a difference (I have been in your shoes, and I completely understand what you're feeling).... but it won't make them stop the affair, if that is what you are hoping to accomplish by telling them.

* Again, thank you

I guess a question would be, If you told the other guy's wife, what do you hope that will accomplish? As far as in helping you in your situation and in your life?

You asked would it help you feel better..... in what ways do you think it would help you feel better?

Some questions to ask yourself to help you to see all sides of this.

Because I can pretty much guarantee it wouldn't stop the affair. And if you tell the wife, she might just up and take their kids and leave him the same day (people do this), and now suddenly it will make it even easier (in some ways) for the husband guy to see your wife even more often (doesn't have to lie to his wife about his whereabouts, they can now go hang out at his house.... etc).

I'm just trying to get you to see the other side of telling them. But believe me, I have been where you are, and I really wanted to tell, too!!! So, I DO understand you having that feeling, and it is completely normal to feel the way you do. However, there are down sides to telling....

But just think beyond that thought... some sample questions to ask yourself -

-What are the possible repercussions to me telling his wife?
-Would me telling, make my wife think less of me in some weird way, and she won't ever want to reconcile?
-Would the other wife spread the news all over town, or on her Facebook, and now everyone will know and I will feel embarrassed and even more stressed?

Thank you for the sound advice. I’ve done a lot of reflecting and soul searching and I’ve decided to keep their secret for now.

I'm sorry to hear your story. I am in a similar situation and have been battling with the exact same thoughts and ideas. I have done the same as you for now and kept things under wraps but I can relate, I've wanted the other person to have some sort of repercussions for their behavior, Part of me has wanted to "out" the ordeal to the spouse and even employers and its been hard for me not to do that to be all honest. It's almost relieving to know that I'm not the only one who has been battling this as of late. I've had to do a lot of reflecting on why or why not as well and its hard when it almost feels like there is no remorse from the other parties involved and they are getting away with something with no repercussions. It doesn't seem fair. But at the end of the day, they have to live with themselves and the choices they are making, the things they are doing and questionable decisions. It will catch up to them 1 way or another and they will live with that for the rest of their lives. And for me at this time I've refrained from doing so as well for the sake of my kids its hard though because I know I feel like a chump and imagine you feel similar. Just know you're not alone, take care of yourself.

Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through this also. It’s horrible. I just hope I can be happy again someday.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair.
You are not “stooping” to their level. The longer it’s a secret, the longer they will continue.

Yes, the "unknowing" spouse probably does sense something is off. What will she think when, down the road, she finds out about her spouse, and also finds out that you've known for so long without saying anything. Their affair is a fantasy, and the bubble should have burst when you found out - but when they both see you doing nothing about it, it's that much easier for them to continue as if it could go on forever with no negative consequences. Maybe she does know, and if they know that you both know, well that's even easier to justify to themselves it's meant to be...Maybe one day you could just ask her if she knows? No, it won't make you feel better to tell her. In fact, it will probably make you feel worse, because she'll always associate you with the day her world comes apart. You're in a no-win situation, just like she is. Your cheating spouses are the only ones that somehow see an upside to this disaster they've created. I'm not recommending that you rush out and tell her...but, down the road, if you do decide to divorce your spouse due to the ongoing affair, I do believe you owe it to the other betrayed spouse to tell her the reason you are divorcing.

Deception is sometimes harder to recover from than the infidelity acts. I would tell the betrayed spouse. Likely her response will make the 2 homewreckers more uncomfortable in their tryst and promote changes instead of complacency.

Telling her can really backfire on you, and in a bad way. They could blame you, get violent against you, take revenge against you....

Is that really worth the stress? And cops? Violence against you?

Better to stay out of it. Do you really want that kind of stress in your life?

This is a very good post with lots of differing ideas. I guess we all have to think it through carefully. Telling the other spouse is no guarantee that your spouse will shape up or have a miracle change of attitude.

I guess my best suggestion is to make a written list of pros and cons. Why to tell and why not to tell. Write out all ideas you have even if they sound weird or childish. Then make a third list of all your feelings, list them out, get them out of. your head and heart and onto paper. Use a list of feeling words from google if you don't know how to describe what you feel.

Then wait, and stop thinking about the telling the other spouse issue. Let it sit on those papers for at least a week. Come back to it and reread what you wrote. Cross out anything that you feel no longer feel is accurate. Compare your two lists.

Secrecy is bad but telling will just blow up your world and create a huge conflict. Which may or may not be what you need at this time. I think I would want to have been told but I did not tell the husband of the woman my ex husband was messing with. I decided why bother, why create more conflict and they were out all night drinking and whatever together so he had to have a clue. I looked that woman up last Spring, it is 15 years later, we are divorced and she is also divorced and not remarried. My ex doesn't even know I know what he was doing. I was reading his text messages because he disdained me so much that he thought I was too stupid to sneak into his phone. No password protection on his phone at the time and he left all their lovey dovey text messages on there. I had hoped he would dump me and move out but instead he was asked to leave by me a week later. I could not longer pretend I like him and the marriage was not good.

I was told about my wifes affair with a coworker 2 yrs ago ... but this all was going on back to 2013/2014 .... His ex g/friend told me and you know ? I am glad she did !!

but now of course it all gets denied , because at the same time i have learned my wife is a Narcississts , I was blinded her first affair I caught her tongue wrestling a tow trucks driver at a Mini Mart where she was a cashier 3-11 shift .. her bouncing on make up outta the blue made me think, but this clown stalked the house , and waited for me to leave work at 4am ... So? it dont make you a bad person to tell someone actually its a good deed that you do ! ... but there are plenty of ways to do it ..Via email text a call ect: face to face ... people who cheat should be exposed, My Lawyer told me to expose my wife on her social media page < I havent done it yet > I dont think I'll ever get the truth , but as I my blind eye open and the questions i throw and the answers I get she tells on her self funny how that works
But again ! either you learn to live with what you know , or get it off your shoulders Period

This is an older post, and I'm just wondering if you're doing okay, Should Have Known Better?

For what it's worth, I tend to think that you should tell his wife. This seems particularly prudent if they haven't been willing to stop the affair based just on you knowing - which should have been more than enough. Yes, there is a good chance that she won't believe you, but that part is up to her. And I suspect that, eventually, she'll come around to accepting the truth.

Beyond that however, I think it is best to not share or vent with other people. Not friends, nor family. Don't turn your friends into your therapist. You don't need to let all you neighbors see your wife's dirty laundry. That just makes everyone feel awkward (especially if you and she stay together). If things head toward separation and divorce, then all you need to tell anyone is "It didn't work out." Period. No details. My parents got divorced 50 years ago, when I was seven years old. To this day I have no idea why. My parents never said a bad word about the other one to me and, when I asked, they just said, "We were young. What does it matter? It didn't work out."