Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello, sorry this is so long........I have been married for 14 years, my husband and I have been through a lot together but we try to do what it takes to work through our problems. Recently I have had a number of health issues in which I almost died, while I was in the hospital I noticed a change in my husband he would leave the hospital and Be gone for hours and I guess because I was so ill I didn't really make a fuss about it. Well when I got out of the hospital he would leave for hours at a time and when I asked him where he was he would say he was just riding. This has been his behavior for the past few weeks. The other day I called him and he told me he was at work, and something said go ride by his job and I did, and his car was not there. So while sitting in the employee garage I called him and I said hey where you at? And he said I'm still at work. He didn't know nor did I tell him I was at his job. He claims he is always working late almost every day.Then I got a sneak at his cell phone while he was sleep the other nite and there was texts on there from some number and there was a text that sd " I put the offer out that there and you didn't do anything with it" another text said " I'm just saying I didn't get a call from you last night" both of these texts were incoming and my husband deleted his outgoing texts so I don't know what his texts was. I did a reverse phone look up and found out the number belongs to his female co worker. I don't know what to do, I don't have any solid evidence that he is cheating and I know if I say something to him about what I found so far, he will deny it and probAbly just find a more secretive way to continue whatever he is doing, I just recently enrolled into onstar because they have a tracking program to track where your car is. Deep in my heart I really feel he is cheating and that is going to devastate me because how heartless can you be to do that to someone you claim you love and know how much health issues they've been through and is still going through, how could someone do that without any conscious ? I wanted to know should I just keep quiet and just keep collecting evidence or just go ahead and confront him?
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
From my experience - collect as much evidence for as long as you can stand it.
Confronting him will be met with the utter and complete denial and will prolong the entire process even more painfully. You will keep being gaslighted.
Trust your intuition.
Take care.
Sorry your husband appears to be cheating. While you may not know the details and extent, it is obvious he is. Staying "late at work" is a common excuse used to play around. Especially when you discover he's not actually at work, an obvious lie. Seems to me you have two options.
One, you have enough info to know he is at least involved in an emotional affair, if not a full physical affair. That might be enough info for you to confront him with. Expect gaslighting (coming up with justifications to make it seem like nothing, and that you are blowing it up into a bigger deal than it is). But stick to your grounds, and back it up with actions. You might want to read the 180 thread someone bumped and implement that if he denies. Tell him you know he is cheating, and he might as well come clean if he wants to save this marriage. Stick to that, and he'll either confess or isn't worth saving if he is willing to sacrifice the marriage by not admitting his guilt.
The bad side of that method is if he does a good gaslighting job, you'll want to doubt yourself. Plus, if he confesses, you'll never know if you are getting the whole story. Most unfaithful spouses only tell as much as what they think they absolutely have to.
Two, get more info. Since it seems you have access to his cell phone and they communicate regularly using it, do an internet search for "cell phone spyware." You'll get several hits of spyware you can install on his phone. It will give you access to all his texts, cell phone calls, emails, websites he's visiting, and allow you to eve's drop via the phone's mic.
The good thing is you'll likely find out the truth and know what you are up against. It will empower you not to back down when you confront him and he initially tries to deny or minimize what is going on.
The negative is you'll more than likely read and hear things that will hurt you. Things that you can't unhear or forget. They will set up triggers and feed any low self-esteem you might have. Be aware of that risk.
Keep in mind, unfaithful spouses tend to lie to their affair partners as well. They'll tell them they're the one they love, they've never felt this way with anyone before, anything to make this situation feel unique and special, just to keep the AP on their string. Many will say they are sex deprived, are going to divorce you someday and marry the AP, etc. Because they are feeling "in love" and want to believe it, they'll buy it hook, line, and sinker. So, keep that in mind. He might mean everything he tells her, or he might be stringing her along to get what he wants: sex. What many APs fail to realize is if he'll lie to his wife, he'll lie to you. If he'll cheat on his wife, he'll eventually cheat on you short of a full, core conversion as a person...in which case he'll drop the AP to work on his marriage.
Anyway, either route has its good and bad points. You'll need to figure out what you need. Document whatever you find. Depending on the laws in your state, you may need it in divorce court if that's where this eventually ends.
I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this and while you are trying to recover. I hope recovery is going well?
My one thought is I wish I would have waited. I could have gotten PLENTY of proof if I had taken a few days to get myself together and do some research. BUT I think it would have been worse. I really think that trip would have been the 1st time they had intercourse.
You an put a voice recorder in his car but again it will be painful to hear but then there is no doubt.
So you have to weigh everything but I'm telling you it will be a rare thing for him to come clean off of just this little bit. He will say well as you can see I didn't respond to her advances and I didn't call her like she wanted.
but you aren't getting that from him now,
it _____ that you have to gather evidence
You won't be able to know where you want your marriage to go unitl you get a clear picture on who he is
I'm sorry for your pain and be prepared for more to come
2. Trust your gut. Your gut says something is "off"...listen to it.
Here's what I would suggest: spend a day getting all your financial records in order and also see a lawyer to discuss your options. After you feel informed and you've protected your assets however you need to, you will feel more empowered. Then approach your husband and tell him you think he is having an affair and why you think that. Then, sit back and watch his reaction.
He might confess, he might lie. When he is done confessing or lying, drop your bomb: you've already talked to a lawyer about your options, and you've already protected your assets. He. Will. Be. Floored.
And you will feel like you have control over your future... Because you will! You can choose to go to counseling and rebuild your marriage if you feel that is possible and wise, or you may choose to divorce; that's up to you... But what you will be saying is "I am not a fool."
The timing of this is based on your needs: if you don't have a job, you might want to get one first, and you might want to start hiding a stash of cash (hey that rhymes!). If your husband is violent, you'd want to reach out to a women's center for support and have an exit plan in place.
In a nutshell, be prepared however you need to be before confronting him; this will help you feel less like a victim, and hopefully help empower you to make wise, brave, courageous choices.
YOU should feel like the one in control, since you know something he doesn't. HE should be the one who feels all over the place since he's lying.
I'd mess with his head a little bit. Ask him to get something on his 'way home from work' that's only by his job... things like that.
Keep looking for proof and filing your forms away.
Then, start doing things you've wanted to do that you haven't b/c you have been dedicated to the marriage... Like going out with friends while he's 'working late' or take a night class or something.
MANY hugs.