Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
This is the 3rd time I am here,.. still the same episode, but things developed, got good advice here before, so I am here again.
Brief history:
my wife, a stay at home mom, started an affair with the father of my son's buddy (who is also a stay at home dad) since jan, 2012. I was upset, we talked about this in jan, feb, july, 2012,.. then I tried not to be uptight, instead, I took the family on vacations, twice, and many more outings to try to reconcile. But the affair went deeper in nov, my wife declared "i love you" to this guy. I immediately talked to her: "do u remember whose name it was engraved on your ring? do u remember this picture we were holding our son when he was born in hospital..." She said she knew all these. Then several days later, the guy declared he had ordered a wedding ring for her. My wife said she will put the ring on even when there is no diamond.
I went see a lawyer in dec 2012, still tried to talk to her about this couple times in dec, 2012 but with no use. finally, in Jan 2013, I let her know I have my divorce agreement ready, then she totally broke down, begged for forgiveness, very remorsed, she told her parents her sins, and tried to be a good wife at home. I gave in, laid down my boundaries, absolutely no contact with the other guy other than a nod. I tried to look up packages to take the family to DisneyLand, BUT THEN, while she was being remorseful in front of me and trying to be a good wife.. she not just initiated contact with this guy again, but to talk about how to pick up THAT RING!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I shut myself from her, no conversation between us other than kids matters. To me, she still trying to pick up the ring is the breaking point for me!! This time, she is even more remorseful, she went to MC, apologized again, started going to church....
Do you think I shold forgive her????????
one part of me:
I really don't want to forgive her
- they made out in our home...how can one do this when there are so many family pictures around, it shows she has no self-control, can I trust her again in the future?
- we talked about this many times, I almost forgave her but she initiated contact again...self-control again
- ring is very symbolic, knowing I have already seen a divorce lawyer, still try to take the ring from this guy...it shows how deeply she is in love with him..(I asked her, she said she still loves me)
- if I choose to forgive her, I'm going have to live with these images for the rest of my life, we'll never be a normal couple
- I know I deserve better...I earn decent money, I cook, babysit, presentable in public... (selfish thought)
the other part:
- I love my 2 kids dearly, I often say I can give up my life for them, so now should I give up my happiness so my kids can have a normal family?
- if she is indeed remorse this time and I break up the family, I worry I may guilty, especially towards my kids
What do you think???? thanks!!!!!!
Brief history:
my wife, a stay at home mom, started an affair with the father of my son's buddy (who is also a stay at home dad) since jan, 2012. I was upset, we talked about this in jan, feb, july, 2012,.. then I tried not to be uptight, instead, I took the family on vacations, twice, and many more outings to try to reconcile. But the affair went deeper in nov, my wife declared "i love you" to this guy. I immediately talked to her: "do u remember whose name it was engraved on your ring? do u remember this picture we were holding our son when he was born in hospital..." She said she knew all these. Then several days later, the guy declared he had ordered a wedding ring for her. My wife said she will put the ring on even when there is no diamond.
I went see a lawyer in dec 2012, still tried to talk to her about this couple times in dec, 2012 but with no use. finally, in Jan 2013, I let her know I have my divorce agreement ready, then she totally broke down, begged for forgiveness, very remorsed, she told her parents her sins, and tried to be a good wife at home. I gave in, laid down my boundaries, absolutely no contact with the other guy other than a nod. I tried to look up packages to take the family to DisneyLand, BUT THEN, while she was being remorseful in front of me and trying to be a good wife.. she not just initiated contact with this guy again, but to talk about how to pick up THAT RING!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I shut myself from her, no conversation between us other than kids matters. To me, she still trying to pick up the ring is the breaking point for me!! This time, she is even more remorseful, she went to MC, apologized again, started going to church....
Do you think I shold forgive her????????
one part of me:
I really don't want to forgive her
- they made out in our home...how can one do this when there are so many family pictures around, it shows she has no self-control, can I trust her again in the future?
- we talked about this many times, I almost forgave her but she initiated contact again...self-control again
- ring is very symbolic, knowing I have already seen a divorce lawyer, still try to take the ring from this guy...it shows how deeply she is in love with him..(I asked her, she said she still loves me)
- if I choose to forgive her, I'm going have to live with these images for the rest of my life, we'll never be a normal couple
- I know I deserve better...I earn decent money, I cook, babysit, presentable in public... (selfish thought)
the other part:
- I love my 2 kids dearly, I often say I can give up my life for them, so now should I give up my happiness so my kids can have a normal family?
- if she is indeed remorse this time and I break up the family, I worry I may guilty, especially towards my kids
What do you think???? thanks!!!!!!
THINK WELL WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO, AND NOT REGRET IT LATER, LOVE L***
I DESPISE HIM, ADULTERY IS JUST EVIL***
Some part of her, as someone else mentioned, longs for romance novel storylines of her own and she sees the other guy as trading up. But - she also acknowledges that the other guy isn't QUITE a full-on trade up or she'd already have filed for divorce herself.
She probably thinks the scales are pretty evenly balanced and so she just can't choose. Sadly, until she is fully out of the fog, she's not going to be able to see those scales *correctly* and clearly and understand that what's so "great" about the other guy would be disastrous and annoying day-to-day and what "annoys" her about you is what she will cling to and pine for when/if you do follow through with separating yourself from her.
I guess it's sort of like raising kids. You don't argue. You don't reason. You don't make excuses and you don't negotiate. You say, "This is the hard and fast line: me or him" (or whatever you want to say) and then you offer up the consequences, "Or else I will file for a separation and I will have no contact with you whatsoever except through a mediator."
(or whatever your consequences are... divorce... murder... you know, whatever. heheh...)
Nah, but seriously. You said you established boundaries. Did you set consequences? As Cole said, if you did, you gotta stick to 'em. Otherwise, she's going to keep riding back and forth on the sea-saw between the two of you and cause more damage and destruction than she already has.
You are much better than she and will realize that when you find mutual love.
CB
"...we talked about this in jan, feb, july, 2012,.. then I tried not to be uptight, instead, I took the family on vacations, twice, and many more outings to try to reconcile. But the affair went deeper in nov, my wife declared "i love you" to this guy..."
Walk-away sir! Time for Damage Control NOT Reconciliation.
Kids: NEVER stay JUST for the sake of the kids. Wrong!
Hope your lawyer is good...very good! You bent over backwards & worked towards reconciliation for almost a year. Diplomacy is over. Time to bring out the big guns.
~!!~ FIRE AT WILL ~!!~
currently she is trying to be a good wife, seems like she has not been in contact with the OW anymore, but my technology has been disabled, so cannot verify whether she is indeed not keeping in touch with him (she was remorse before but go back several weeks after)
She is at home all the times (when I`m home), The kids love to play with me, but the kids still prefer their mom, I do not intend to take the kids from their mom, but sometimes I just want some blocks of private time with my kids.
It is so hard to make the call when the kids asking for their mom all the time (she has always been a good mom despite her iinfidelity)....so unfair to me...I am working so hard to support the family, I do not deserve to be in this situation.
No matter how horrible she behaved and how bad our relationship got I couldn't hate her. My wife cheated but I still lover her. Our marriage is essentially over and I can't bring myself to even speak to her. Me being able to forgive her is all about me and how I am able to cope with the situation. It did require her to ask for forgiveness because that's something she couldn't do until she realized it was important to me. I'm not sure if she was really sorry for what she did and I don't know if she asked because someone else told her to. All I know is that I had to decide for myself to forgive her.
You have a lot to think about especially since you have children involved. Forgiving her will take a lot of strength and resolve. My advise is to truly evaluate the impact of forgiving her or not forgiving her. Will it enable her to treat you badly in the future? Will it negatively effect your relationship with your kids? Don't say anything until you are sure that it is what you commit to doing because once you say you forgive her you can't go backwards.
Also forgiveness doesn't mean renewing the relationship. You can still proceed with your divorce/separation. Don't think that forgiving her is the same as taking her back.
did your spouse (or ex-spouse) show remorse, at least in front of you?