Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
This is the 3rd time I am here,.. still the same episode, but things developed, got good advice here before, so I am here again.
Brief history:
my wife, a stay at home mom, started an affair with the father of my son's buddy (who is also a stay at home dad) since jan, 2012. I was upset, we talked about this in jan, feb, july, 2012,.. then I tried not to be uptight, instead, I took the family on vacations, twice, and many more outings to try to reconcile. But the affair went deeper in nov, my wife declared "i love you" to this guy. I immediately talked to her: "do u remember whose name it was engraved on your ring? do u remember this picture we were holding our son when he was born in hospital..." She said she knew all these. Then several days later, the guy declared he had ordered a wedding ring for her. My wife said she will put the ring on even when there is no diamond.
I went see a lawyer in dec 2012, still tried to talk to her about this couple times in dec, 2012 but with no use. finally, in Jan 2013, I let her know I have my divorce agreement ready, then she totally broke down, begged for forgiveness, very remorsed, she told her parents her sins, and tried to be a good wife at home. I gave in, laid down my boundaries, absolutely no contact with the other guy other than a nod. I tried to look up packages to take the family to DisneyLand, BUT THEN, while she was being remorseful in front of me and trying to be a good wife.. she not just initiated contact with this guy again, but to talk about how to pick up THAT RING!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I shut myself from her, no conversation between us other than kids matters. To me, she still trying to pick up the ring is the breaking point for me!! This time, she is even more remorseful, she went to MC, apologized again, started going to church....
Do you think I shold forgive her????????
one part of me:
I really don't want to forgive her
- they made out in our home...how can one do this when there are so many family pictures around, it shows she has no self-control, can I trust her again in the future?
- we talked about this many times, I almost forgave her but she initiated contact again...self-control again
- ring is very symbolic, knowing I have already seen a divorce lawyer, still try to take the ring from this guy...it shows how deeply she is in love with him..(I asked her, she said she still loves me)
- if I choose to forgive her, I'm going have to live with these images for the rest of my life, we'll never be a normal couple
- I know I deserve better...I earn decent money, I cook, babysit, presentable in public... (selfish thought)
the other part:
- I love my 2 kids dearly, I often say I can give up my life for them, so now should I give up my happiness so my kids can have a normal family?
- if she is indeed remorse this time and I break up the family, I worry I may guilty, especially towards my kids
What do you think???? thanks!!!!!!
Brief history:
my wife, a stay at home mom, started an affair with the father of my son's buddy (who is also a stay at home dad) since jan, 2012. I was upset, we talked about this in jan, feb, july, 2012,.. then I tried not to be uptight, instead, I took the family on vacations, twice, and many more outings to try to reconcile. But the affair went deeper in nov, my wife declared "i love you" to this guy. I immediately talked to her: "do u remember whose name it was engraved on your ring? do u remember this picture we were holding our son when he was born in hospital..." She said she knew all these. Then several days later, the guy declared he had ordered a wedding ring for her. My wife said she will put the ring on even when there is no diamond.
I went see a lawyer in dec 2012, still tried to talk to her about this couple times in dec, 2012 but with no use. finally, in Jan 2013, I let her know I have my divorce agreement ready, then she totally broke down, begged for forgiveness, very remorsed, she told her parents her sins, and tried to be a good wife at home. I gave in, laid down my boundaries, absolutely no contact with the other guy other than a nod. I tried to look up packages to take the family to DisneyLand, BUT THEN, while she was being remorseful in front of me and trying to be a good wife.. she not just initiated contact with this guy again, but to talk about how to pick up THAT RING!!!!!!!!!!
Now, I shut myself from her, no conversation between us other than kids matters. To me, she still trying to pick up the ring is the breaking point for me!! This time, she is even more remorseful, she went to MC, apologized again, started going to church....
Do you think I shold forgive her????????
one part of me:
I really don't want to forgive her
- they made out in our home...how can one do this when there are so many family pictures around, it shows she has no self-control, can I trust her again in the future?
- we talked about this many times, I almost forgave her but she initiated contact again...self-control again
- ring is very symbolic, knowing I have already seen a divorce lawyer, still try to take the ring from this guy...it shows how deeply she is in love with him..(I asked her, she said she still loves me)
- if I choose to forgive her, I'm going have to live with these images for the rest of my life, we'll never be a normal couple
- I know I deserve better...I earn decent money, I cook, babysit, presentable in public... (selfish thought)
the other part:
- I love my 2 kids dearly, I often say I can give up my life for them, so now should I give up my happiness so my kids can have a normal family?
- if she is indeed remorse this time and I break up the family, I worry I may guilty, especially towards my kids
What do you think???? thanks!!!!!!
The bottom line is that only you can make this choice. Ask yourself a few questions: How many chances do you want to give her? How much of your life do you want to waste away? How much longer do you want to eat the shit sandwich she is serving up to you?
What do I think? (Not that it really matters) But I think she's playing both sides of the fence. As soon as you cut her loose, she wants back. She's getting something from both of you that she needs. (The chumplady calls them ego kibbles). As long as you keep doing the "pick me dance" she'll know that she has you exactly where she wants you.
I'll also tell you what I don't think. I don't think she's in a wayward fog and that you should hold on until she comes out of it. I think she is being very deliberate about what she's doing.
That of course is only my opinion.
Good luck and sending support your way.
Even God requires humility, seeking him, asking forgiveness, and turning from their wicked ways before forgiving. (2 Chr 7:14). Repentance is more than saying I'm sorry, more than words, it is actions moving away from the offense. Until you see her take solid actions to "turn from her wicked ways," I'd say allow her to experience the consequences of her actions. And only "come back" when you see her demonstrate true remorse over a decent period of time, if ever.
Yes, ideally, it is good for the kids to have an intact family. That has always been one of my goals. Thankfully for me, so far, my W's A didn't result in that. But, sometimes it is a choice of the lesser of two evils. Having them grow up with a cheating parent tends to foster big problems for them down the line that overshadow being from a broken home.
And don't fret the guilt. It isn't you who is breaking up the family. Consequences the CS doesn't like to think about.
Whatever that answer is - that is what I would go with for your next "moves".
If you put her (your wife) through this - what would you expect her to do in return???
I know this is "hard" what I mean by that is this - who on gods green earth would ever think that their wife - would be in "love" with another dude....- want a "ring" from some other dude..... while she is married to you --- she is in fantasy land via sin........and it seems to be she is in total and complete crazytown. 100% not 99% - 100%
ETA on complete snap out of crazytown - normally 1 to 2 years.
can you deal with this bouncing around for that long?
What is considered to YOU as a healthy realtionship - not before but right now with her and are you getting that?
Good luck. Stay strong. You are in a tough spot right now.
Cole50, how did you manage to overcome your W's A? could you share your experience?
But the short answer is this. Gabi wrote the basic outline of how she recovered from her affairs and its mindset. I took her outline, reorganized slightly, and fleshed it out into one of the chapters that will be in our book, titled, "Healing Steps for the Unfaithful Spouse." The core of that is at the following link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4974162
I told her early on that a large part of my healing depended on her healing. Bottom line, she did the steps to heal herself and enabled me to heal. This next May 11th will be our second dday anniversary, followed 4 days later by our 31st wedding anniversary. 2 years ago, I had no clue if I'd ever make it to #30, much less 31.
I'd have her read that, and get the one "required" CS book listed there, and follow it faithfully if she is serious about rebuilding. It will also give you a good picture of what she should be doing to really repent. Walking in repentance and not just saying it.
I also wrote a series of articles on Healing Steps for the BS among others: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news that you might find helpful.
Yes you can forgive her so you can move on, but please dont let her back. Please divorce her. An affair says it all. She wanted/engaged in sex from someone else other than you! So painful it is going through divorce.
Be well and i wish you the best!
I think that you have given her enough chances to make up for her mistake. I know that it's hard but you need to be strong for your kids. Your wife probably doesn't even care about them or your family in general. She's gone blind out of the false love that she and this other guy have created. I am very sorry to hear that you are in this kind of situation. Keep your head straight and decide once and for all what needs to be done, for your own peace of mind. It seems anyway that you've already made your decision, just not officially. Like you said, you will never be a normal couple ever again and you will need to live with certain unpleasant images for the rest of your life if you stay with her. Go on and do what you think is best.