The only difference is perhaps you won't find more surprises down the road, assuming he has told you everything and there isn't more to come. At least you can start out with all the cards on the table and knowing what you are dealing with.

Can he change? It is possible, but will require a lot of effort on his part, changing core values and getting professional help. I wouldn't rely upon words, but if he is doing the hard things to heal, then I might consider giving him one more chance. But that's your call. You know where your line is.

Sorry you've found yourself in this situation.

thanks Cole50. We are both in counciling with the hope to do couples down the road. We are trying a trial separation. He says all the right things but I guess time will tell. I have only alittle over 1 month since dday. I was just wondering if anyone else that has dealt with a long term affair and many short terms ones has had a complete change that they never cheated on their spouse again.

I think everyone can change. He chose to cheat, and he can choose not to cheat. He might need help, counseling, etc. but if he really cares about you and wants to change he will. How can you tell? I don't know, I guess it comes with a risk every time you decide to stay with someone who cheated. You know him best to decide if he's trying hard enough or not. I hope things turn right for you, and wish you all the best.

Heather, I know this pain, I am living it. The thing I can tell you I have learned is that it is way too early for you to even know if he can change. It seems logical that if he wanted to he could, but it does not work that way. It was not so much what was lacking in the marriage as what was lacking in him. My CS chose women that were younger, but they were not prettier or smarter or nicer. The OP can give them what you can not. A life without kids, stress bills and the ups and downs of living in a marriage. It is a fantasy world, and for most eventually the bubble does burst.
He needs to work hard to find out why he cheated, and how he can change. I know how it is to be with someone so long. My H was my only serious boyfriend. I considered him my soul mate and best friend. I do not think our definitions of love and marriage are the same though. You are a wife and mother and also an individual. right now is the time for you to focus on yourself and your children, and your healing. It is tough to rebuild trust after serial affairs are revealed, but probably not impossible. But again, it is too soon. You are too raw right now. Just start by getting through the day. Unfortunately, it will take time for things to work out. It would be nice to hit the fast forward button one day. But you said something very important, you do not want to be fooled again. That is wise. You do not deserve that. Marriage is hard enough when both people are all in!!

I'm a serial cheater & I know, in the depths of my soul, that we truly can change.

Having a positive support system around can help dramatically.

S-anon has helped my husband...perhaps there is one in your area.

If you believe in him & can help him to believe in himself, anything is within reach.

You can di it!

My husband has been cheating on me in some way our entire relationship. Every time I find out about something he breaks out the whole I'm sorry it will never happen again. It always happens again. I am finally done dealing with not being good enough.

That is so unfair princess. But it was not you who was not good enough, it was him!! If only people understood the damage infidelity can cause in a person's life. It is such a selfish choice.....

Be very careful and take you time considering your options. This can be very dangerous emotionally for you. You are basically gambling with your faith and the odds are not in your favor. Yes he probably is remorseful but that may be because he got caught. When people are doing wrong, they know it. They know it but they don't want to think about their actions. As long as no one else knows, they can ignore their conscious. His remorse may be more centered on being forced to deal with his actions for all the world to see, not from actually hurting you. Yes people can change but definitely not over night. He may truly want to change but HE doesn't even know yet if he can until he puts the work in and that's going to take t...i...m...e... I know I may sound a little jaded and negative but with that many incidents I would be concerned I was risking my emotional well being. Ask yourself if you supported him thru the next few years in his effort to change, how would your lives turn out if he succeeded and how would your life turn out if he gave up? How would your life be if you walked away now? Which scenario are you willing to risk living with? Best wishes, happiness and strength to both of you.

I don't know. I would like to think that almost anyone (except socio- and psychopaths) could be rehabilitated IF they genuinely wanted to be. However, in my experience (with former partners, as well as with friends), if a person is a SERIAL cheater (not a one time offender), they will cheat again.
Take care of yourself. Only you can make the decision to trust again. Weigh your options and if you think you'd be able to handle another affair years down the road if it happened...
I hate that you are in this position.

what made him finally admit? that plays a huge factor in "if he will keep doing it"

if he got caught up, chances are if its been that many girls, he'll just get smarted at hiding it. thats what mine did. then you find out a year later that hes been telling women hes been unhappy and getting pity affairs from 5+ women.... :(

If he just came out and said "i need you to know because i want to change" then maybe there is a shot for your to work things out with him. but serial "anythings" need therapy. i believe that the thrill of cheating and sex with random people is as close as you can get to being a drug addict, it becomes "addicting."

good luck! i seriously hope that he changes his ways for your sake! i would have given anything for mine to stop! :)

My H had 4 affairs in 5 years. The last time he swore he would never do it again. Guess what, he did. We are now separated.

My story is I have been with this guy since I was 14; now 42. when we were in high school i cheated on him but we broke up for a year and i never even thought of doing that again. I grew up in a household that my dad cheated, gambled and drank and my mom stayed until 10 years ago when he finally cheated with a good friend. So i picked a guy that came from a solid familly. We married when I was 21 and had 4 children. He said the first time he cheated was 2 years before my youngest daughter was born. She is 15. He said it was a one night stand and he felt horrible and would never do that again. He then didnt cheat for 6 years then had 5 short affairs and one long term affair that was off and on to another married coworker. I never knew. this woman had children the same age and was married to one of my childhood friends brothers and we were social. My husband went to a different work location 5 years ago but said this continued on and off. My oldest son 20 heard about this at his job he has when on school breaks because she was his supervisor. He told my sister and she told me and then I found proof. He has admitted it all and taken blame with the kids and family. I never knew about any of them til last month....How can I trust myself to know if he is really sorry. Does this make him a serial cheater? I dont know what to do. He is living at his parents house but seems to find lots of reasons to stop by. I love him but dont know if i can ever trust him again. We are both in IC.

I think you have to define serial cheater. There are two types, in my way of thinking. Both of them have multiple affairs, usually more than two or three. And just because someone has two or three affairs doesn't automatically make them a serial cheater.

The two kinds are two kinds of addiction. You have the one type that is addicted to power and control. They tend to think only of themselves and like having whoever they want, and their power to woo women to them, usually by being able to spot a woman who has self-esteem issues and make them feel very wanted and desirable. For them it is the thrill of the conquest, winning the game by getting the woman into bed. Having such sway over a woman, especially one already committed to someone else, that they can get them. The addiction comes from that win and power over someone else. There is usually little concern of feeling for the lives they destroy in their wake.

The other kind is a sexual addict. These people may feel bad about what they do, unlike the above type. They may acknowledge they are doing wrong, or they may have justified it as "I just can't help myself." They've tried to stop, but all to no avail. At the first opportunity, they find themselves right back into bed with someone. Like a drug addict, they can't seem to stop.

This doesn't mean that someone who cheats doesn't experience an addictive feeling in one way or another. That is what drives them into the fog, where their only thought is how to get more of this "drug." But if they haven't developed a consistent pattern that has integrated itself into their life, then they aren't an addict.

Reason is addiction happens when the person has experienced a "high" of dopamine from a drug, power, or sex, or whatever, enough times that a sort of cyclical channel gets cut in the brain that makes it hard for them to get out of. Like wagon wheels that want to follow ruts, it takes a lot more energy and determination to not follow those patterns, and is why addicts feel like, "What's the use, I can't not go there. So I give up." But that is a mental lie. It's hard, but not impossible.

First and foremost, the serial cheater has to become aware of the dynamic that is causing them to cheat (which will probably take some therapy for most to figure that out) and the desire and determination to change. Then getting the help to do so, because no serial cheater can will themselves out of it, save a fortunate few. It will require a support group and re-training how you relate to people and perceive things like sex and related activities such as flirting.

A book that can be helpful is one my wife and I read shortly after dday, because we initially thought she might be a sex addict (we later learned the difference and she wasn't one....yet, because we likely caught it early enough, but it wasn't for sex she had her affairs). But it is a good introduction to the topic and the writer has lived it, and been sober for 10 years as of the date of writing that book, so he knows of what he speaks about what it takes to heal from that.

It is called "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark Laaser.

Might want to check it out if you think sexual addiction is the foundation of his serial cheating. I'm sure a good counselor can recommend other books for the first instance, assuming he really wants to change and is willing to do the work to do so. But the first type generally don't feel as much guilt over what they are doing, so have less motivation to change, even if outwardly they act like they are repentant and sorry, it is mostly to make you feel better and that rebuilding is going swimmingly so they can continue the affairs without your knowledge.

Good luck on working through that. Like one other said, there is no hurry. Most suggest you wait at least three months or more before deciding anything definitive.

I think you have to define serial cheater. There are two types, in my way of thinking. Both of them have multiple affairs, usually more than two or three. And just because someone has two or three affairs doesn't automatically make them a serial cheater.

The two kinds are two kinds of addiction. You have the one type that is addicted to power and control. They tend to think only of themselves and like having whoever they want, and their power to woo women to them, usually by being able to spot a woman who has self-esteem issues and make them feel very wanted and desirable. For them it is the thrill of the conquest, winning the game by getting the woman into bed. Having such sway over a woman, especially one already committed to someone else, that they can get them. The addiction comes from that win and power over someone else. There is usually little concern of feeling for the lives they destroy in their wake.

The other kind is a sexual addict. These people may feel bad about what they do, unlike the above type. They may acknowledge they are doing wrong, or they may have justified it as "I just can't help myself." They've tried to stop, but all to no avail. At the first opportunity, they find themselves right back into bed with someone. Like a drug addict, they can't seem to stop.

This doesn't mean that someone who cheats doesn't experience an addictive feeling in one way or another. That is what drives them into the fog, where their only thought is how to get more of this "drug." But if they haven't developed a consistent pattern that has integrated itself into their life, then they aren't an addict.

Reason is addiction happens when the person has experienced a "high" of dopamine from a drug, power, or sex, or whatever, enough times that a sort of cyclical channel gets cut in the brain that makes it hard for them to get out of. Like wagon wheels that want to follow ruts, it takes a lot more energy and determination to not follow those patterns, and is why addicts feel like, "What's the use, I can't not go there. So I give up." But that is a mental lie. It's hard, but not impossible.

First and foremost, the serial cheater has to become aware of the dynamic that is causing them to cheat (which will probably take some therapy for most to figure that out) and the desire and determination to change. Then getting the help to do so, because no serial cheater can will themselves out of it, save a fortunate few. It will require a support group and re-training how you relate to people and perceive things like sex and related activities such as flirting.

A book that can be helpful is one my wife and I read shortly after dday, because we initially thought she might be a sex addict (we later learned the difference and she wasn't one....yet, because we likely caught it early enough, but it wasn't for sex she had her affairs). But it is a good introduction to the topic and the writer has lived it, and been sober for 10 years as of the date of writing that book, so he knows of what he speaks about what it takes to heal from that.

It is called "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark Laaser.

Might want to check it out if you think sexual addiction is the foundation of his serial cheating. I'm sure a good counselor can recommend other books for the first instance, assuming he really wants to change and is willing to do the work to do so. But the first type generally don't feel as much guilt over what they are doing, so have less motivation to change, even if outwardly they act like they are repentant and sorry, it is mostly to make you feel better and that rebuilding is going swimmingly so they can continue the affairs without your knowledge.

Good luck on working through that. Like one other said, there is no hurry. Most suggest you wait at least three months or more before deciding anything definitive.

I think you have to define serial cheater. There are two types, in my way of thinking. Both of them have multiple affairs, usually more than two or three. And just because someone has two or three affairs doesn't automatically make them a serial cheater.

The two kinds are two kinds of addiction. You have the one type that is addicted to power and control. They tend to think only of themselves and like having whoever they want, and their power to woo women to them, usually by being able to spot a woman who has self-esteem issues and make them feel very wanted and desirable. For them it is the thrill of the conquest, winning the game by getting the woman into bed. Having such sway over a woman, especially one already committed to someone else, that they can get them. The addiction comes from that win and power over someone else. There is usually little concern of feeling for the lives they destroy in their wake.

The other kind is a sexual addict. These people may feel bad about what they do, unlike the above type. They may acknowledge they are doing wrong, or they may have justified it as "I just can't help myself." They've tried to stop, but all to no avail. At the first opportunity, they find themselves right back into bed with someone. Like a drug addict, they can't seem to stop.

This doesn't mean that someone who cheats doesn't experience an addictive feeling in one way or another. That is what drives them into the fog, where their only thought is how to get more of this "drug." But if they haven't developed a consistent pattern that has integrated itself into their life, then they aren't an addict.

Reason is addiction happens when the person has experienced a "high" of dopamine from a drug, power, or sex, or whatever, enough times that a sort of cyclical channel gets cut in the brain that makes it hard for them to get out of. Like wagon wheels that want to follow ruts, it takes a lot more energy and determination to not follow those patterns, and is why addicts feel like, "What's the use, I can't not go there. So I give up." But that is a mental lie. It's hard, but not impossible.

First and foremost, the serial cheater has to become aware of the dynamic that is causing them to cheat (which will probably take some therapy for most to figure that out) and the desire and determination to change. Then getting the help to do so, because no serial cheater can will themselves out of it, save a fortunate few. It will require a support group and re-training how you relate to people and perceive things like sex and related activities such as flirting.

A book that can be helpful is one my wife and I read shortly after dday, because we initially thought she might be a sex addict (we later learned the difference and she wasn't one....yet, because we likely caught it early enough, but it wasn't for sex she had her affairs). But it is a good introduction to the topic and the writer has lived it, and been sober for 10 years as of the date of writing that book, so he knows of what he speaks about what it takes to heal from that.

It is called "Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction" by Mark Laaser.

Might want to check it out if you think sexual addiction is the foundation of his serial cheating. I'm sure a good counselor can recommend other books for the first instance, assuming he really wants to change and is willing to do the work to do so. But the first type generally don't feel as much guilt over what they are doing, so have less motivation to change, even if outwardly they act like they are repentant and sorry, it is mostly to make you feel better and that rebuilding is going swimmingly so they can continue the affairs without your knowledge.

Good luck on working through that. Like one other said, there is no hurry. Most suggest you wait at least three months or more before deciding anything definitive.