Warning... Long post. So my wife wanted to use my computer tonight in the spare bedroom to work on an online class she has been taking, which was fine (she has her own laptop, but refuses to use it now). I was getting tired from my nightly cocktail of Luvox and Benadryl, so I asked how long she would be so I knew whether to wait up or not. I offered to lay down in the spare bedroom with her, and she said no, that she would only be a few minutes. Ok says I, and off to bed I go.

Over an hour later, still no sign of her, so I got up to see what was going on, and whether I should just go to sleep or not. I walk into the spare bedroom, and she is on the phone with her mom. My mind immediately goes back to the fact that she used to go in our bedroom when her OM would call, and when I would ask who she was talking to, she would say she was on the phone with her mom. Now I feel like total and complete shit, and in fact, a stupid fucking fool for walking in on her talking with her internet boyfriend and being dumb enough to think she would go hide in the bedroom to talk with her mom.

Then I start thinking about all the other shit this affair has ruined... Once in a lifetime things that I have gotten to experience that I can't even think about now without wanting to cry. So we go to bed and I start talking about it with her, and she gets this "I'm hurt" attitude and says that she is getting up for a while.

Someone PLEASE remind me why the hell I am going through this?

I can't stomach going to work anymore after building a successful career because she involved some of my employees in her affair with a fucking business partner.

I can't watch TV for fear that a TV show will involve either cheating, Las Vegas, or France (or anything french, or a language that sounds like french).

I've gotten to experience incredible things while travelling that I feel nothing but guilt and regret for because while I was away on business she was busy cheating on me.

30-50% of the time I watch her take off her shirt, all I can think about is her doing it for this asshole on the webcam.

I try not to say anything to her in German anymore because all I can think of is her OM calling her his "Kleine Schlampe" (translates to "little slut" for anyone curious).

Half the time I get done making love, I spend the next hour trying to talk myself out of obsessing myself into a deep depression.

I can't look AT her purse without obsessing because I found condoms in it twice, which we don't use. The first time she claimed she bought them for a friend who is promiscuous (she is...), and the second time she said it was when she was considering leaving me and it was a symbol of independence. She went on to say that if she had planned on using them with her OM, she would have bought bigger ones. Makes me feel fucking great :(

I have anxiety attacks looking at phone bills or credit card statements because I am always waiting to find that phone call or charge to a hotel.

She lied to me about aspects of the affair after it was over.

I can't go to google images without having an anxiety attack because I'm afraid her OM posted pictures of her tits.

If I hear a song on the radio that I heard while her and I were in Las Vegas (that is where she and OM were supposed to meet f2f) I want to vomit.

I obsess about every pair of panties and bra she owns, because I don't know if he saw them or not, or if she bought them to look good for him.

I can't walk into my own basement, because she had he desk, webcam, etc. setup down there when I found the evidence of the affair.

I freak out whenever she gets a text message.

In other words, there is not a single place in my life anymore I feel safe... Not at work, not at home, and sometimes not even in her arms. Please, someone please, tell me why I am putting myself through this. Sometimes I am not sure if ANYONE is worth all of this :(