Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
G'day guys,
Or is it night where you are? perhaps late at night and you can't sleep?
Those who have read my posts today will probably gather that at the moment I am pretty bitter and twisted, so I apologize if I have offended anyone here.
I am just curious as to what the red flags were that you noticed before you found out about your partners affair?
Here are mine.
My wife was allways a very passionate and highly sexed woman. She loved it, anyway, anywhere and often.
Then, out of the blue, about 3 years ago she went "away" to visit with an old girlfriend in another city for a few days and I was unable to contact her on her girlfriends home phone throughout her little trip.
When she came home, she was a different woman. She was not interested in sex with me, and it was 8 months before we had sex again.She became cold and aloof and subjected me to some of the most hurtful and nasty rejections to my advances that I can think of.
At one point, she even threatoned me with one of my best friends, a younger,fitter, stronger and better looking man than myself.
Now the sex, when we have it, is a chore for her and I suspect she only uses it as a tool to keep the piecs or as a reward when I spend an exhorbitant amount of money on her, and recently, even that doesn't get me into the sack with her.
Recently, I found a shit load of very sexy lingerie hidden away including a lot of silk and lacy stuff. I have never seen her wear any of this stuff and some has been worn and some still hase the tags on it. I would liken it to her finding a box of condoms in my drawer. (I have had a vasectomy)
Further, she has become very secretive with our computor. Secret email accounts that she minimizes every time I walk past or doesn't open at all until I am at work. History is being regularly deleted. She is also very secretive with her cell phone, taken calls and messages while shut away in her bedroom.
Her "away" trips are becoming more and more frequent and she is becoming even more distant and aloof.
I have confronted her (foolishly) about all of this of course and one of the answers she gave me was "I don't have to answer to you"
She tells me I need to trust her completely but how the hell can I do that when she keeps giving me soooo much stuff to be suspicious of.
Or is it night where you are? perhaps late at night and you can't sleep?
Those who have read my posts today will probably gather that at the moment I am pretty bitter and twisted, so I apologize if I have offended anyone here.
I am just curious as to what the red flags were that you noticed before you found out about your partners affair?
Here are mine.
My wife was allways a very passionate and highly sexed woman. She loved it, anyway, anywhere and often.
Then, out of the blue, about 3 years ago she went "away" to visit with an old girlfriend in another city for a few days and I was unable to contact her on her girlfriends home phone throughout her little trip.
When she came home, she was a different woman. She was not interested in sex with me, and it was 8 months before we had sex again.She became cold and aloof and subjected me to some of the most hurtful and nasty rejections to my advances that I can think of.
At one point, she even threatoned me with one of my best friends, a younger,fitter, stronger and better looking man than myself.
Now the sex, when we have it, is a chore for her and I suspect she only uses it as a tool to keep the piecs or as a reward when I spend an exhorbitant amount of money on her, and recently, even that doesn't get me into the sack with her.
Recently, I found a shit load of very sexy lingerie hidden away including a lot of silk and lacy stuff. I have never seen her wear any of this stuff and some has been worn and some still hase the tags on it. I would liken it to her finding a box of condoms in my drawer. (I have had a vasectomy)
Further, she has become very secretive with our computor. Secret email accounts that she minimizes every time I walk past or doesn't open at all until I am at work. History is being regularly deleted. She is also very secretive with her cell phone, taken calls and messages while shut away in her bedroom.
Her "away" trips are becoming more and more frequent and she is becoming even more distant and aloof.
I have confronted her (foolishly) about all of this of course and one of the answers she gave me was "I don't have to answer to you"
She tells me I need to trust her completely but how the hell can I do that when she keeps giving me soooo much stuff to be suspicious of.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best!
I forgot about the working out, (this has lapsed now) and the changes in taste in clothes, music, makeup, perfume, lip stick and nail polish etc. etc etc.
getting more pissed the more I think on it. If she would move out "to find herself" at least I could try to start to heal a bit. (and change the locks on the house)
THE first was a attitude of self will.she has that.
the other was coming home late
the other was getting tight with friends over our relationship'
the next was cell phone always ringing on weekends too and saying it was work but affair was coworkers
the third was not defending me and ignoring me and attacking me emotionally easily
the 4th...new interest in how he looked at work and dressed up
5th....cologne
6th....never had time or energy to talk or hang out...always up tight
7th...sex was less often and mechanical and he was always tired.
8th...stayed busy when he was at home doing something almost like he was avoided me out of guilt or didntwant me to pen him down to talk about what was going on
9th denied everything and laughed that he would never look at anyone else and i needed to get a job or hobby and did not understand him
10th was cliches about life is short,being jealous of other people possessions and lifestyles and free spirited ways and wanting to have fun now...
11th over interested in hanging out with one particular friend...partner in crime i later found out....crime of adulterous behavior...
12th lies....deception..things never being on time or making sense...lots of excuses
can you afford to have her followed on one of these trips or rent a car yourself and buy a wig and rent hi tech camera or listeing device to track her.
they make these things that you can plug into your home phone to record calls.
you can get her cell phone bills online listing all her calls....if she is calling someone you dont know alot.....call the number off of caller id
if i had it to do all over again i would have done that sooner...the longer this goes on the more involved it will get...
i would have hired a private investigator.
i would put a recording device in her car to record cell phone calls in her car.
you can hide a baby monitor in your bedroom under the bed...have the other monitor hid inth e other part of the house and if you have a porch...go outside and turn it on and listen to her side of the call.
hire someone to hack into your computer to retrieve all those emails....
track her call mileage from when she come homes ...goes...and comes back.
check her credit cards...or wallet for private accts or cards...or notes...
when she is asleep go out to her car and check her trunk,and car and look for clues...if i had did this alot including looking for cd's...i would have caught lipstick sunglasses,cell phones left behind,etc....
dont sit home and ask for the truth...she wont tell you..you have to stay cool around her and let on how wrong you were to distrust her for her to let her guard down for her to get sloppy and careless to catch her....THAT IS THE KEY.....
Put your Big Boy pants on and stop the madness. Either she stops or divorce. Don't bluff either!! She is under the assumption that you are not strong enough to leave her or stop her from what she is doing. Show her she has a strong husband at home. If she leaves then you know it was over the minute she came back from the first trip.
PS Marriage Builders have great steps for saving marriages.
Anyway don't feel like a fool about not knowing. Its not our fault we believed they actually gave a darn about our feelings or heart. You just start focusing on getting stronger. No one deserves to go through this I don't care what anyone has done in their past any mistakes. No one deserves to be lied to.
2. Cell phone records
3. Not answering my phone calls
3. New clothes/underware
4. Weight loss
5. unaccountable time/errands that didn't make
sence.
6. washing his clothes he wore that day
7. talking to someone in the middle of the
night on his cell (this is how I found out)
8. Treating me terrible/provoking fights
H's EA/PA affair started Feb. 07 Dday Jan. 5th 08.
All contact(I think)ended April Fools day 08.
You can put a keylogger on your computer, put a gps of her car or hire a private investigator.
What a horrible nightmare we all have been faced with.
Prayers for us all!
If you need more red flags than those, I dunno what to tell ya man!
If you need more red flags than those, I dunno what to tell ya man!
You could always go to the UN!!!
1. Kept talking about her wonderful friend (co-worker)
2. Come home smelling of beer when she went to work
3. Withdrawn. Would not talk to me. Wouldn't allow me to touch her.
4. Viewed me as ruining her life.
5. Viewed me as a child
6. Always chatting on her computer
7. Phone messages strangely had no numbers from co-worker
8. NEVER took a call from her co-worker in front of me
9. NEVER allowed to be part of her work life
10. Became VERY independent of me
11. The co-worker fit the type of guy she is attracted to
12. Would run to do activities with her friend when I was away
Many more of course.
i understand....they always do until they are caught and then you realize they tell you half lies so they think they can wiggle out of them or tell you they are on the way to places so you can never pinpoint their whereabouts or they even introduce to someone to make you less suspicious just to realize later that was the reason you were included in the introduction was for it to be easier for them...........
We all saw them, some later than others. It's called denial.
Good Luck