I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I too told no one and have no intentions of doing so for many reasons.

Did he tell you or did you discover it?

My concern is the emotional affair, as most eventually lead to physical ones. Another concern of mine is that cheaters are also liars and rarely do they come out with the full truths in fear of hurting you more, and ruining their reputation. They also know you so they know the things that would make you go ape, and feel they're doing you a favor by withholding the damaging information.

I found a lot of solace on this site, like you, I had no one to talk to about it and coming here and reading what others have experienced has helped me immensely.

I wish you strength.

I discovered it. I realize they are liars and they will withhold information. I am a very strong and opinionated woman. He was certain if I discovered his texts, etc., that he would come home to the locks changed and his clothes in the yard. Maybe being older, I tend to think things through a little longer than I used to and see things in a different way. I have no rose colored glasses on, I am taking this one day at a time.

I am not sure if it would have led to more, as I found it a month into it, so he did not have a lot of time to move to that stage, as she is in another state, fairly far away.

I think my finding it scared him a lot, knowing my personality and my sense of independence. I told him I wanted to know everything. He came up with some additional things he thought I might think were important. I told him I do not need a "blow by blow" description of every word, but I might ask the same question 1 million times and he better be ready to answer it transparently 1 million and one without attitude.

This has really blindsided me, so I am very cognizant of not "letting him off the hook". I told him I will find out if there was any physical contact and if he lied, he could then expect clothes in the yard. He is aware this is a one time offer to rebuild, there will be no second chances, period.

Right now, I have to concentrate on making it through these first weeks, emotionally. My mother lives with us (she is 92) and I am her primary caretaker, so it is hard to break down and release feelings during the day. This makes it difficult to get past this "hair on fire" first week.

I am going through this too. I don't have a whole lot of sage wisdom, other than to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. I am glad to hear that it had not escalated to the physical stage.. My husband's went from a whole lot of chat to 2 physical encounters. I confronted him, and he filled with remorse. I discovered what was going on 11 days ago. I have nobody to talk to. We have a long road ahead of us, and we both know that but nobody's close have hit the grass yet. I can relate to your not having to let on what is happening, I have two young teenagers, and they don't need to know this. Stay strong.. caring thoughts are being sent your way.

That should say 'clothes' not 'close.' :)

I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but want you to know that you are not alone. And you are right to call this a crisis, because that is what it is. I would recommend if counselling is an option for you both to consider it, it was very helpful for us (note that I am only 2.5 months into learning about his affair and still struggle with this daily).

I don't want to upset you further, or make you feel worse about the situation, but my husband denied for nearly a week that anything physical had happened between them. It took a lot of perseverance on my part to help him feel comfortable in telling the truth. I hope that you have gotten all the truth from your husband, but if you have any doubts or suspicions about anything be sure to follow your gut.

I would look at this as a time to understand what your spouse was seeking from this other partner that he wasn't getting in the marriage, and use it as an opportunity to talk about what you both want and need from each other in your relationship. Use these findings as improvements to make in your marriage. This has been our strategy in rebuilding and has stimulated a lot of conversation about what we need and want from each other.

Keep your head up. This is such a crappy situation, and I'm sorry it has happened to you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Just be true to yourself and honour any feelings you might have, whether they are good or bad.

I wanted to add to this because my dday was 4 weeks and 4 days ago. I googled everything under the sun to find out how long this would hurt physically, as well as emotionally. Some of the information that I found scared me since people said it would/could take months or years. And I can see that being true on the emotional aspect...but I wanted to tell you something in case it brings you peace. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, I felt physically ill, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and I've been worrying about my health. But last night, I actually slept. I also woke up hungry! I can't say that it hurts any less emotionally, but my body isn't doing those crazy things today. I think it has to do with reaching out to others, even if they're strangers, to let them know this is gut-wrenching. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but you're in the right place to get support! Please, don't keep this inside.

Thank you all for your words, they mean a lot to me.

I am sure you will see me here, often, as this moves forward. Maybe someday in the future my frown will ease away and a better face will start to appear again.

I am an optimist, always have been, always will be. I think that helps me have some hope for myself and my healing. I have hope that my husband will recommit to form a stronger relationship this next time. I know the old relationship is forever gone, but my hope is that we can build a new, stronger relationship in the future.

You're probably right if she lives out of state and he hasn't done any travelling, that it didn't get physical.

I love how strong and opinionated you are, it's admirable.

I tried to discover what it was that my CS wasn't getting that he had to go elsewhere to get, and there was nothing we could come up with. My CS did it because it was easy, it was when he was travelling, and the OW was from his past, and she was a willing slut.

There are many reasons why a partner or spouse would stray and cheat, but at the end of the day, it's a selfish act, and has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. We have to realize that they are capable of lying and withholding information and that spells deceit.

You are not at fault for any part of his indiscretions. When a caring person is unhappy, they open their mouths and talk to you about it. When a selfish person is unhappy, they open their pants and share it with someone else. That's what it comes down to, the responsible versus the irresponsible, the thoughtful versus the thoughtless, and the caring versus the careless.

I too am rebuilding and even though we are getting on quite well, there are issues swimming around that I haven't been able to bring to shore as yet.

Thanks, Toronto for your reply.

Being the optimist I am, and having changed myself over the years, I will be looking for his efforts in becoming more caring and less selfish. Those indicators will be my primary source of decisions for our future.

Thanks for your comments on my strength and being opinionated.....sometimes it is not the best quality:) I also try to temper it with flexibility and reasoning.

The first few weeks are the worst in many ways. It can still be bad later if things don't go well.

The "New BS FAQ" might be of help.

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/p/help-for-new-betrayed-spouses.html

The first few weeks I was a serious mess I am a skinny man at about 152 lbs and I lost 15 pounds and basically did not sleep. Keep in mind that the full truth usualy does not all come out the first time you talk either that sometimes it takes time or at least it did in my case. That does not nessasarly mean that the CS's are trying not to be compleatly truthful it is just part of the way the human response to a situation occurs. There is a website that I have been to more times than I can count in the last year you might want to check it out. Dear Peggy.com, really great information on there and Peggy's situation was a tuff one that she overcame. Good luck wish you the best of luck.

sorry, i have not read the whole thread
if you want to reconcile, aren't sure, want to end
I strongly urge you to tell someone that you can confide in
I did not for a long time, until well after she decided to end our marriage
keeping that secret really put me sideways
you need to get your head on straight to heal & make solid decisions
carrying that burden all by yourself may weigh you down

i hope that what is the right thing works out for you

Im sorry you have to go through this, but we all have been where you are, all with different experiences and all with different outcomes. However we all are here for you.
I am glad that you have hope for rebuilding, but know that it will never be the same as it was before. It will be different. If you are lucky it will be different for the better.