I think that the reasons the cheaters come up with are basically bullshit--it's what THEY want to believe to justify their immoral behavior.

For example, my ex told me that he cheated because we had poor communication and that I was married to my job, yet we talked daily, sometimes for hours and I was typically home by 5 p.m. everyday. We did things together every weekend (in fact, mostly everything HE wanted to do, not what I wanted to do).

When I countered his excuses with "But you worked shift work all these years and there were many evenings and weekends that I was alone and lonely. Did that mean I could cheat too?" He quickly switched to the standard "You just don't get it!"

Oh I get it alright--cheaters cheat because of problems within them. My ex used to complain that I was overweight. I did all kinds of things to lose weight--gym, diet, etc. I lost lots of weight, but he still wasn't satisfied. Then he switched to "You don't wear sexy clothes" so I did that. It was like a dog chasing its tail--nothing made him happy.

The irony: the skank ho/now wife is huge and does not dress sexy.

Cheaters have problems within themselves. Once I figured that out, I stopped blaming myself for the demise of the marriage. I did everything I could, but it takes two to work on a marriage.

My h says his reason for cheating had nothing to do with me. It was that he was depressed, and had self esteem issues. Ow was very complimentary and he liked the ego boost. He says he didn't like her or find her attractive. He says the sex wasn't even that great but she seemed to think it was great and he liked being wanted and desired by her. Not an excuse, but it was what made him volnurable.

Did that make you feel any better about his infidelity daisy312

My husband's explanations were much the same as Daisy's husband.

He said he was depressed. He didn't feel like I wanted/needed him and when the OPPORTUNITY to have someone drench him with time, attention, and adoration, he did not say no. He enjoyed the flirting and when things moved to a physical level, he didn't know how to say no (his words, though sadly, I think they ring true.)

In the end, I realized that no answer to my soul's wailing cries of "WHY??" would ever satisfy me. There was no answer that would be a good enough reason. Instead, I found it more beneficial to focus on HOW things happened so we could build defenses against it happening again.

Yes, happily married people do cheat. That's because:

1. No marriage is perfect. Every marriage has ups and downs.
2. There are tons of people who deal with situations much worse than mine, who don't cheat.
3. Because cheating is about a character weakness in the person who cheats. If it is an attempt to address any defect in a marriage, it is the totally wrong answer to fix it. It will cause more harm than anything.

I was unhappy in my marriage about 5 years in. I began to feel like Gabi didn't love me. She rejected me with no clear explanation why other than she didn't want to have sex with me. I had opportunity at work, as a co-worker began confiding to me about the problems she was having with her boyfriend. An obvious opening to an affair. According to most CSs, at least those in the fog, I should have taken her up on her offer and get what my wife wasn't providing.

Bottom line: the reason a CS cheats is they are tempted and give in. Once involved, they look for justification, and every little problem in the marriage becomes the "cause." But none of them are. They were tempted, and they gave in because of their own character and moral weakness. That's it. No other explanation suffices. Any other explanation is a diversionary tactic.

That said, exploring the reasons they gave into that temptation, and what increased it for them, are valid questions. Both to "fix" the character shortcoming in them that allowed them to see cheating as a means to address their problems, to identify boundaries that should not be crossed in the future without risking a repeat performance, and how working on the marriage can aid in reducing the temptation. IOW, focus on making the marriage better than on finding someone else to address it, which will only tear it apart, not help the marriage.

My H said he cheated on me becaus he felt like he couldn't talk to me anymore...whatever that means!! I really want to hear what others have heard or made!!

My husband spent 12 years actively avoiding intimacy (not sex, we had plenty of that cuz he was entitled to it), and engaging in verbal/emotional abuse and control. It started out so covertly that by the time I knew he wasn't treating me right he had destroyed my self esteem. I felt invisible, worthless and suicidal. When the OM, a friend ago was like family, started paying attention to me I was beyond vulnerable...and because he was a friend I felt safe, believing it would not progress into anything inappropriate. The feeling of being visible, wanted...worthy...very quickly became like a drug for me and I gave in to feeling like I wanted to live again.

It was my choice, absolutely. Setting me up to be as vulnerable as I was? That was my husbands very deliberate choice. He was more interested in winning some imagined power struggle than in building intimacy and having a relationship with me.

My affair ended almost 3 years ago. It's just this year that I've finally forgiven myself enough to fully recognize his issues, and that they are alive and well and continuing to prevent any real relationship.

I ran into my former sister in law at a hockey game about a year after divorce. She was very drunk and introduced me to her friends as "this is lynn who used to be married to my brother until he got bored and wanted some new tail".

No blaming depression, low self esteem, lack of communication, lack of sex, blah, blah, blah. Just the cold, hard truth.

Cole50 says it best - there is no reason other then the cheater has very poor morals and values and the root cause of that most likely can be traced back to a child hood experience or poor communication skills.

One other major fact is that cheaters love the ego boost cheating brings - 2 people love them and flood them with attention and in a way are fighting for them. its sick as shit cause there then has to be so much lieing going on - leiing to the one person you were supposed to protect and care for in this sick manner.

reality hits and that would be a good topic. what happens to the cheater once reality hits them...

Onyx... Childhood trauma?? Really?

I don't think so.

Imma guess you're of the school of thought that all strippers are drug addicts and were molested by their step-dad, too.

Antediluvian thinking (at best) - dangerous at worst.

His justification was felt rejected and that lowered his self esteem. Our sex life was ok but he always wanted and expected more. I felt like an object and unappreciated chat made sex very unappealing.

He also had a sense of entitlement because of his own upbringing. Mistresses were common in his family and culture.

He no longer justifies or excuses his behavior. He takes full blame for all he did and how he chose to fill the voids in our marriage.

I also strongly disagree with care1 I knew things weren't going great in our marriage and I tried and tried to make things better.His mind and heart were already elsewhere there was nothing I could have done at that point . That doesn't mean I don't sit here day and night blaming myself but the fact is I was lonely too and I didn't go find someone else.

I completely agree on lack of intimacy and emotional withdrawal. That is my current situation. Our sex has turned into bend over, lube it up and done. It used to be tender and there was more to lead up to than that. No consideration for my feelings or needs. I have done everything but hire actors to explain what I need and enjoy. I would get it a couple of times then it would go back. No it didn't start out like that when we first got together. We used to be friends. Now it is all about him and no interest in me at all. Except when it benefits him. It is the loneliest feeling for me even though he is right next to me. It has affected my self esteem, but only in that why am I not good enough. What did I do wrong? When I ask those questions I am told how amazing and wonderful I am. All words no action.

Firstly I believe there ARE "reasons" why someone cheats, but there are no "excuses" for doing so. There is a distinction there. Part of the reasons (that have nothing to do with the BS or the relationship) are weakness, confusion, delusion. Reasons that I was given: she felt she couldn't be a good enough homemaker for me, she didn't feel close to me, actually now that I think about it, there were not too many concrete reasons given other than "I was a jerk" and "she was unhappy".

I also think cole50 says it best and I have read studies that state there are character flaws within those that cheat.

No marriage is perfect - nothing in life is perfect but there are lines you don't cross - and for me - it seemed my ex was/is on a "drug" and addiction to the excetment/drama/control whatever else they get from it - she would lie/steal money/steal time away from our kids - say and do whatever it was to get her "fix"

She actually lied on our boys souls twice and the bible that she wasn't see this other man - guess what she was seeing the other man - and said to me - that lieing didnt matter... WTF - just like a drug addict. How would you ever trust someone like that again.

Cole50 wrote:

Bottom line: the reason a CS cheats is they are tempted and give in. Once involved, they look for justification, and every little problem in the marriage becomes the "cause." But none of them are. They were tempted, and they gave in because of their own character and moral weakness. That's it. No other explanation suffices. Any other explanation is a diversionary tactic.

That said, exploring the reasons they gave into that temptation, and what increased it for them, are valid questions. Both to "fix" the character shortcoming in them that allowed them to see cheating as a means to address their problems, to identify boundaries that should not be crossed in the future without risking a repeat performance, and how working on the marriage can aid in reducing the temptation. IOW, focus on making the marriage better than on finding someone else to address it, which will only tear it apart, not help the marriage.