Was there a significant event happening in your life / marriage when the A occurred?

- Yes, the 1st time my twins were only 2yrs old; the2nd time we built a new home by ourselves; his work is also very stressful.

Why did you choose to stay in your marriage after discover of the A?

- such a good question. I ask myself this everyday. Many of the answers already given are true for me, too, to some degree. I think the biggest one is fear. Being afraid of change is huge. We've been married for 26 yrs, our kids are 19 so they would be fine with this, and actually might be better. He is very hard on them, especially our son who will never measure up to his expectations, I think (even though he is a good kid). I just have a hard time imagining how I would start a brand new life at 51 yrs old. Financially I would be ok. The embarrasment would be huge. We built this 5200 sq ft home just 3 1/2 yrs ago and to get a divorce so soon would really make people talk about me. Another irrational reason, but I truly hate to admit a big one, is that the OW said we would never make it, that I would never get over what happened. She was so cruel to me when I found out and tried her hardest to break us up. I don't want her to have him. Crazy, I know. I'm ashamed to admit this as one reason.

Do you have a "list" of certain needs and expectations that you want to see met in order for the marriage to continue?

- open phone records; more hugs and talks; answering phone calls right away; receipts and hotel info when traveling, etc.

If your spouse has not met all your needs since you began the process of reconciliation, WHY do you continue to stay?

- Good question....same reasons as listed above, like fear of change.

1st affair?

- no, I know of 2 but I have good reason to believe there were quite a few more. I feel like I am waiting to catch another one before I leave. Maybe I'm too weak of a person. I hate to believe that because I've never been weak until this happened. Now, I just can't get over it, I cry all the time, but I do nothing in the realm of leaving. This last A was 3 yrs and I found out about it 2 1/2 yrs ago, it finally ended 2 yrs ago, after a brutal 6 months of back & forth shit....some days I think I cry more about the fact that I am still in the marriage. I'm hoping that things will work out, or that I will get strong one day and leave.

thanks for asking your questions. I enjoyed reading the other responses as I have the same questions for quite some tine now.

Q: Was there a significant event happening in your life / marriage when the A occurred?

Ans: No more than usual. In almost 23 yrs of marriage we've moved 20+ times for his work. We've been screwed over by 2 different business partners which caused us to move back in with his family/my family. We've gone from what some would call rich to not having a dime to our names. And through it all we were able to keep our family healthy and whole. Then, suddenly in the 20th year of marriage, the A. Nothing ut of the ordinary. I had been sick for almost a year with migraines that put me in bed for days, but he says that wasn't the reason. The only thing I can figure is there was something going on in his head that he hasn't shared with me yet. Maybe someday I'll understand.

Q: Why did you choose to stay in your marriage after discover of the A?

Ans: Some days I'm really not sure! I suppose I've stayed (and not tossed his butt to the curb either) because I still believe that the man I love is in there somewhere. In his eyes I still see the man I trusted, the one I gave my whole heart to. Deep inside somewhere, I think he's still there.

It certainly isn't because of his remorse, understanding and begging me to stay! If you've read any of my story you know that he has not even apologized for the A. And he has repeatedly said that if the OW would have had him, he would have gone to her. But he does say that he's working on "fixing himself" and trying to be a better husband, so I guess I'm holding on to that glimmer of hope.

Q: Do you have a "list" of certain needs and expectations that you want to see met in order for the marriage to continue?

Ans: I didn't draw up a "list," but I know it when I see it! No contact with her is a given. Dday was 5 months ago - unfortunately, last week I caught him video-flirting in a chat room.....so now the list also includes No chat -EVER. He's in total withdrawal since he used to LIVE in chat rooms (like 10 hours a day).....so we'll see if he can keep to that one. If he doesn't, I guess I'll have to decide what to do.

Q: Is this your first A to learn of in your marriage or have you had others in the past? If this is not the first A in the marriage, why do you give them another chance?

Ans: This is the 1st.

Thanks for asking the questions and to everyone for sharing their stories. It is encouraging to read about others who are also trying to make it work.

My son was 2.5 moths old whe he started the A, it was a bad pregnancy with 5 month bedrest, I was in the hospital for almost 2 months and our son was in the NICU for 5 weeks after.
I stayed because I loved him and I did not want to end my marriage without beeing able to say I tried. We went to a therapist for over a year, every week. I did not have a list, but I knew I needed him to make me belive that he was sorry and that he loves me.
Three years later I am as happy as I could be, our marriage is strong. We grew as a couple and our relationship has changed for the better...

Hope I can reply, beach. I stayed ... but not for long. We did divorce.

Something big going on? Yes, we were having some serious issues with one of our daughters. Serious. This really made me look at our lives, with the help of therapists, and see that the 'status quo' could not fly anymore. We had to make some serious changes for my daughter's benefit. My EX and I could not get on the same page with this. He wanted to continue as we were. I knew we couldn't. We did separate for a time. Got back together. Then Spammy started showing up.

those problems were still there. They definitely caused that 'defining moment' in our marriage. 'Are we gonna make it?' 'No, I don't think so.' Even after divorcing him, I tried, yet again, like some stupid person who can't stop banging their head against the wall. Why? Why would I try AGAIN? Simple answer, I wanted my family together. I wanted my kids together. Aside from the issues, I did love my life.

After like 7 months, I believe, I had to leave again. Sure, I had the gut feeling that Spam was still skulking around, but it had to do with more than her. It had to do with him and I. With finding out about that long term affair with her, I could never see him the same. Could never respect him. Could never 'want' him. Could never trust him or anything he said. SEX? For every time he touched me, I would think, 'That touch is no longer just MINE. That gesture is no longer just MINE.' I could never get the security or the stability back in our relationship. So, I had to leave again.

While I have so much admiration for those who CAN stay, I just couldn't.

Did HE try? Did he try to meet my needs in all of this? I have to say, he did, for a time. But where my heart and head went with this, his affair, and how they reacted? He could have never reached that place. He could have never fixed that damage.

It's not that I stopped fighting for my marriage. I took the position of 'resigning with whatever dignity I could scrape off the floor.' That has been my goal, in all dealings with him, since. I have not always succeeded, but I have tried like hell.

Thanks for letting me answer too...loaded question for me. Very loaded.

L~

1st affair - nothing significant happening. However, my ex was recovering from a tragic series of events at a job where she was held up at gunpoint and forced to go into a back room naked with another co-worker so they wouldn't attempt to run the robber down. She then was fired from that job a couple of months later for stealing.

2nd affair - I had recently lost my job, my ex's mother had passed away and I had lost a close family friend earlier in the year as well. So while nothing significant in the marriage was happening, again, events surrounding our lives were certainly weighing on us both.

She had several one night stands mixed in before both LTA's and at least one cyber-EA. She admitted to me that the second round of cheating happened after we had stopped having kids and had moved back closer to our families. As she put it, she took the focus off of us and put it on her.

I chose to stay in the marriage after the first round of cheating because of our daughter. No more, no less. I was ready to be miserable with her if I had to in order to make our oldest daughter happy. Then I kind of fell back in love with her. Unfortunately, I did not seek the proper help in getting past the affair and this would come back to haunt us later on. She also did no sort of counseling with me or alone or self-discovery as to why she did what she did.

After the second affair, I foolishly thought I could STILL save the marriage...although I don't know why, but after a lot of wasted time, tears, heartache and $$$ spent on marriage counseling, I had to give up. She wouldn't stop sneaking off to screw the OM or even stop acting out with him (often times right in front of me or our kids) and so I had no choice any longer.

I had stipulations to her staying in the home and of course, she had no intention of even humoring me on any of those. No contact was not followed after either affair, or even tried after the second one.

I also got a laundry list of excuses as to why us divorcing would be for the best...this is of course before she admitted she was banging someone else. I knew already. And then of course, a laundry list of excuses as to why her life was going to be better with the other man. Some of what I got was...

- I think we would just be better off financially if we were alone.
- I just feel like I was supposed to be with him.
- It will work out, we have both learned from our mistakes and trust each other.
- You just seem to have a cloud of bad luck following you around (that comment f*cking hurt worse than just about anything).
- You'll never be able to trust me again (really? Duh!)
- My parents split up, and we turned out okay. (Yea, a woman who slept with no less than half a dozen other men and loves to pretend she's 12 years younger than she is and not married, sounds perfectly healthy to me).

Regardless of the excuses, it had to end. That much I have learned.

Was there a significant event happening in your life / marriage when the A occurred?
Many things, we were just reconsiled from a lengthy separation, having to live with my mother due to financial difficulties and my illness also cause issues.

Why did you choose to stay in your marriage after discover of the A?
Because my h had actually ended the A on his own prior to me finding out about it and I actually understood alot of what was happening with him at the time. Alot of self esteem issues going on for him and I hadnt been perfect either. He was truly sorry and remorseful for what he did and was doing everything he could do to make it up and show me he would do whatever he could to be trusted again.

Do you have a "list" of certain needs and expectations that you want to see met in order for the marriage to continue?
Absolutely, I expect transparency, no contact whatsoever with the OW and he has to be open and forthcoming with me about things. I am not a mind reader and cant be expected to address our problems if he doesnt tell me when they arise.

If your spouse has not met all your needs since you began the process of reconciliation, WHY do you continue to stay? He actually has met them and then some.

Is this your first A to learn of in your marriage or have you had others in the past? If this is not the first A in the marriage, why do you give them another chance? This is the first

I chose to forgive for many reasons. When he told me everything he was also very forthcoming about how he was feeling at the time. I could actually understand and see his side of things. During our 11 years together, he has done some dumb things but more good then bad. I just chose not to end an 11 year relationship based on his worst possible choice when he was feeling so low and vulnerable. I just wish he had felt he could talk to me about how he felt. I can say honestly though, this is a one time pardon. If he cheats again, there will not be anything he can say that will make me stay. I refuse to live with a serial cheater. I deserve better than that!

"Was there a significant happening..." Just life getting in the way of romance and intimacy. I had four kids, two with ADHD, a giant job that was so stressful and I worked 50 hours a week. H is self employed and could work three hours a day if he wanted, stay out whenever he wanted. I was all alone most of the time. Doing it alone, the accused of not paying enough attention to him. HELLO! That is when it started...that and the fact that he is in the throws of a midlife crisis.

"Why did I stay"...for love mainly. Although I hate what he did and sometimes I can't stand the way things are still...I do love him. I feel stupid for loving him sometimes, but love is blind right!

My eyes and ears are open...it's only be six months since DDay and I don't see a ton of changes on his part. I'm giving it a year and I will decide whether it's worth holding on to any longer.

1st time: military deployment and me pregnant
2nd time: Me pregnant/new baby and 2 yr old that kept us from spending much time together

I stayed mostly for love and children. Finances held some weight though I would be fine on my own. Fear was also a huge factor...I do NOT want to date again!

I have a list of rules/requests that I am amazed he agreed to. He can never go out without me, never ride his Harley without me, never have female friends, never talk to females unless for work or ordering food, never delete his texts -I do it as I read them and check them against phone records to make sure none are deleted. Marriage counseling was also a must.

He meets all of my requests willingly.

This is the second affair but the first time he confessed and was remorseful. I wasn't completely sure what happened last time. I am only staying because it is obvious he is and wants to change and be the man I need (this didn't happen last time). If it ever happens again to any degree I will be gone with NO hope of reconciliation.